Contact With Ex During

[TennyJenny]

Hi,

My ex has our child every other weekend and going forward will start to have him longer periods of time over school holidays (up to 7 nights)

I'm concerned about the communication on his part because when he takes him for his weekends Fri-Sun every second week he does not contact me at all to let me know how he is doing in that time despite me messaging to see if everything is okay (just ignores it)

He's suggested that when he has him for a week he'll encourage child to keep in contact with me but that he himself won't be in contact with me unless there's an emergency (essentially assume everything is okay unless told otherwise type thing) Is this reasonable or unreasonable? He's saying 1 phone call from child for every 3 days he's away (so 2 over a week) and if and when child requests he'll facilitate that.

But I just feel like he should be keeping in contact with me more directly while he's in his care. Am I within my rights to demand more contact from him (ex) if he has our child for extended time?

Child is 7.

TIA for any replies

**Posted too early before finishing typing title... should have read "Contact With Ex During His Time With Child"

I think what he's suggesting is fine. Twice a week unless there's an issue.

Do you call him more often than that when the child is with you?

Do you call/text him daily when your child is with you to give him updates? If not you are being a little unreasonable to ask him to contact you with daily updates. You are essentially saying that you need to know your child is ok as you don't trust him, which isn't acceptable if you are allowing your child to stay with him for up to 7 days.

If your child wants to contact you he should facilitate that, but otherwise no news is good news and your child is having fun with their dad.

Hi,

Thanks for the replies...

He doesn't contact child at all when he's with me through his own choice (as he doesn't like speaking with me / arranging things ad hoc due to prior communication issues)

I just feel as the present parent / main care provider that I should be kept informed about what's happening when he's away, I get anxious about not knowing. :-(

I suppose it's just one of those things I'll have to get used to (like not hearing over weekends) but I just find it so hard.

When my son is with my ex half the week I don't contact him and he doesn't contact me unless we have to speak about our son. Let it go you don't need to know how your child is all the time, the child is safe with his father.

You’re being a little unreasonable and saying you don’t trust the dad when he’s parenting.

Are the calls for you or for your son?

You have to let go and let dad parent.

My OH has a contact order. It’s written in that he’s ‘allowed’ to call the children 3 x a week at a specific time. Mum doesn’t allow any other calls. He has the kids EOW. When the kids were with us mum was phoning twice a day. We would never stoop to mums level at stop the kids speaking to their mum but we found that it stated to impact on our time and it would upset the children (invariably she’d be telling them mummy missed them and how lonely she was). Now the kids are older (13 & 10) she can phone on the older kids mobile.

What I’m trying to say is, you phoning every day will impact the child. Leave dad to parent.

It's probably more for me because as I said I get anxious about him being away. I'm his main care provider and I miss him when he's gone and struggle with not getting updates.

I don't necessarily mean I need to speak to child, just that I'd appreciate ex sending me an email saying everything is okay to reassure me.

It's not something I'd fight on - I just wondered what the general consensus was about and if it was worth trying to push for more but it's probably something I'll have to let go and deal with.

In the nicest possible way, what you are asking for is not necessary and your ex does not need to do this for you, You have admitted it is your own anxiety and not for the benefit of your child. You need to try and find some coping strategies.

A friend of mine really struggle when her DC first went to their fathers. She has told me now that she needed to learn to fill the time and make it time for her, not just mope about missing the DC, This is what you need to do, as hard as it is. Your DC is not a baby.

I get nothing either and i agree it’s tough. My children are young and I am their only constant in their lives.

It’s only natural to want to know how they are when you aren’t with them and parents who switch off these feelings when they aren’t with them clearly don’t have the strong bond that I do.
Unfortunately it’s something that you just have to manage and it doesn’t get easier. For me my youngest still never wants to leave me and go to his dads and is pulled off me crying. It’s heart breaking and I worry what long term damage it’s doing x

What does your son want?

That's the most important thing here. Personally, I speak to my kids every day when they are with their Mum. And she speaks to them every day when they are with me. That's what the children want. She and I, on the other hand, don't tend to speak to one another unless there is a need to do so (child's illness, for example). And we certainly don't report to one another on what we're doing.

Mine are a little older - they're 13 and 11. They have their own phones, and they & I regularly text and exchange little in jokes etc while they are away. Your son will reach that stage soon enough, and that will simplify matters for you.

For now, however, I would be guided by what he wants regarding the opportunity to speak to the other parent each day (and that goes for when he is with you, as much as when he's with his dad).

But that's about him speaking to you. It's not about you checking up on his Dad. You need to start trusting his Dad to parent him. You may well have your son for more hours than his Dad, but that doesn't make his Dad any less capable than you. He doesn't need you looking over his shoulder.

Thanks for all your input, much appreciated to get some different perspective.

In my experience, it's only normal to get updates if they are ill. I trust ex to parent the kids and would hate having to do the opposite and give constant updates too.

It gave me great anxiety at first but that is my problem and not ex's. It would be controlling and annoying to constantly text each other. I keep busy and do stuff that's all about me so I dwell less.

Luckily my kids are now old enough to have phones so I can text them directly (and ex does the same)

I get no communication either. Ds goes to his father for up to 5 days at Xmas and 14 days on holiday in summer. I insist on knowing where they are - what town - but otherwise I get no contact during that time.

Had a big problem last year when I discovered ex had lied, only taken 1 week holiday and then passed ds to his female friend who wanted to play at being mummy. Then she had a family issue and left ds with a total stranger.
Now my phone number is sewn into all ds’ shoes so if that ever happens again, he knows to find a phone & ring me, and I’ll collect him. I no longer trust ex.

Oh dear.

"I can't permit that..."

That comment rather gives you away - this is about control.

Bad news for you - it isn't your place to "permit" or deny anything, when it comes to what he does with his son on his time. I'm saying "his son" quite deliberately - because you seem to have forgotten that he is just as important as you. You are both the boy's parents. You are both equal.

I'll say it again. You. Are. Equal.

You don't outrank him. He doesn't need your permission. You don't get to say what does and doesn't happen.

The law is clear. The boy's father can take him anywhere in England or Wales during his time. So can you. Because you are equal. With no court order in place, Dad would need your permission to take the child out of the country. And you would need his. Because you're equal.

Beyond that, it's a question of co-parenting. Ideally, you would both tell the other if you're taking the child away - for practical reasons, in case of an accident. That means you, as well as him. Because you're equal. It isn't about either of you getting any sort of say in those trips by the other - it's just a courtesy, and it runs both ways.

Your tone all sounds very controlling. It is all about your role as the "present parent". If that is the tone you take with him, I'm not surprised he resists it. It's human nature. When someone constantly acts as if they're superior, many people will resist that. If you start treating him as an equal, then you may find things change. If you demand that he keeps you informed as to his movements, then you must do the same for him. And if that feels like an intrusion on your life, then it's an intrusion on his too.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but from the tone of your posts I think you could get a long way by improving your attitude to co-parenting.

I can see that this is really hard for you - no decent parent likes being away from their child. BUT... you are being unreasonable. You can't demand that he get's in touch with you unless there is an emergency. Please, try not to show your child your anxiety about him going away. Children find moving from parent to parent hard enough without having to worry about how the adults are coping. Paste a smile on and trust him to be a parent.

But I AM the present parent?

My child and I are a wee team... and he just swoops in and takes every other weekend away. I feel like I hardly see my child. They're my other half...

@TennyJenny but you're not, you are one, of his parents and he is another. You do not get to permit or not for him to take him anywhere in the UK. Yes he should let you know out of courtesy but he doesn't legally have to and if you're acting as controlling in real life as you're coming across here then of course he's resisting.

I can appreciate how difficult this must be for you but YABU and there's really no need for you to be contacted during his time unless there's an issue.

I feel like I hardly see my child.
How do you think he feels?? You see your child 12 out of every 14 days. He sees him 2 out of every 14. Trust me, it's a hell of a lot harder only seeing them 2 days a fortnight and he most likely misses his son too!.

Everything my child is, how lovely they are and how polite etc they are is all down to me.

Of course he has the right as their father to spend time with him but I'm the one who's always there and has always been there.

Everything my child is, how lovely they are and how polite etc they are is all down to me.
@TennyJenny how can you categorically say that's the case. Believe it or not but he still does have the power to influence them even only seeing them every other weekend. But even if the above were true, you are still expecting too much. They are away for 3 nights tops when he seems them at the weekend. Yes it's hard but you will and can cope just like he has to cope not seeing them for 11/12 nights (unsure if he's Friday to Sunday or Friday eve to Monday morning).

Does your ex text or 'phone you when you have your child?

No because he doesn't choose to.

His choice not mine.

Child has glasses and they're trying to convert an attic to be their room. Ridiculous. Not suitable for their needs at all.

Sorry but what's having glasses got to so with having an attic room?

As for the siblings. Okay he really shouldn't have got someone pregnant so quickly but plenty of DC have siblings. They don't get a say in it. It doesn't mean they shouldn't see their father. Sounds to me like your pushing your views and issues onto them.