Ex not keeping children clean on his weekends

[MumOfTwoMiniMes]

Hi,
I seperated from the father of my two girls (4&5) about a year ago.
He has them every other weekend from school pick up to Sunday afternoon. There’s always something that I need to talk to him each time they’re dropped off, like lost school bag, or wearing unsuitable clothes etc. Mostly I’ve been picking my battles and only pointing out welfare based issues.
One of my main bug bears had been around baths. They’ve always had daily baths, it’s part of their routine and I think it’s important. Ex doesn’t see it as important and often forgoes a bath, I have not made an issue of it as the odd one here and there can’t harm.
However this weekend I feel a bit different, on drop off my nearly 6yr old DD informed me she only had a bath today (middle of the day too, which is odd but at least it happened) ...my issue is that she had sports day on Friday, it was a hot day and he was there for a bit of it and so saw she was getting hot and sweaty. However she didn’t get a bath until today... two days after sports day?!?
AIBU to think this is not ok?

Not a great deal of point in school raising these concerns with you although I would want to be notified. I guess the appropriate response is either 'I will raise it with him and I'm sure he will take it on board' or 'I share your concerns and have raised them repeatedly to no avail. Do you think maybe you should escalate your concerns?' I'm guessing the latter.

@bastardkitty that's exactly what a friend said to me recently. I guess I just took responsibility to deal with it. Unfortunately he has chosen not to see them in the week anymore so the school issue has gone away but not in way I'd have liked 😞

My young ones tend to bath a couple of times a week unless they get muddy or whatever. They don’t really need any more so it wouldn’t bother me too much.

She wouldn't have been dirty or really smelly

I'd be concerned teeth weren't getting brushed - that is important.

But honestly, if you're bathing them every day, it's probably doing their skin good to have a break from daily baths at the weekend.

pick your battles and this isn’t one of them

This.

It must make you feel frustratingly powerless to have your kids being looked after in a way you don't feel is right for them, but honestly the things you have mentioned aren't that bad. It's different standards to be sure, but not neglect.

The t-shirt and tights is bizarre though, what was his excuse for that?

The bath in isolation wouldn’t phase me. But it’s not that, is it? It’s everything.

Could you screen grab previous messages when revisiting a previous issue, to really send home how incompetent he is being, even with guidance?

But pick your battles - the bath one has to be left alone I think.

To say a bath once a week is neglectful is typical MN hyperbole.

I think you just have to understand that he has different standards and priorities from yours. And I know it's a generalisation, and sexist as well, but often men don't see it the way we do. I certainly wouldn't be bathing my DC every day. Once every 2/3 days is quite enough. The issue of clean clothes and brushed teeth/hair is something you will no doubt be able to teach the girls about, and they will do it themselves.

You are both their parents, you don't get to tell how to do it. I know it is difficult, I had to get my ds to take responsibility for his teeth brushing at his dad's when he was 5 and I don't think he has ever had a bath at his dad's (only stays one night at a time) but that's what happens when you have children with feckless fathers ( I'm including myself in this)

That's a shame @MumOfTwoMiniMes because it would have been helpful to you had school raised concerns. Does he never take them to school now? Also inappropriately dressed for the weather, inadequately clothed and unclean with dirty clothes are all safeguarding concerns.

Yes, incredibly sexist Singlenotsingle

Well i sent to soon sorry, what I was going to say was basically pick your battles they did get a wash every second day is fine on his time.

@sleepingdragons he said he didn't realise the difference between leggings and tights. And that he'd left the jumper in the car.

Wonder what he'd say if a lady at work took that approach to her attire 🤔

I didnt give my 5 year old a bath after sports day. He doesnt sweat. Mine have a bath roughly every 3 days.

@RickyGold I struggle with your comment. He is more than happy to let me take the lead with everything else when it is convenient to him, school applications & events, uniform, homework, paying for childcare, holiday clubs, birthdays, the list is endless

...and when I say take the lead. I mean he doesn't bother to even attempt to support with any of it

If they're otherwise well cared for does not having a bath for two days really matter?

I'd pick your battles and leave this one!

@ilovewelshrarebit123 I guess as @NotTakenUsername put it. It probably isn't this situation in isolation that is the issue, it's this plus everything else

he said he didn't realise the difference between leggings and tights.

See I’m going to sympathise a little here op. Long long time ago, I got into a bit of bother with my brother when I had taught dnephew to use paper to dry after her went to the loo. He told me men don’t do that, they just shake it. I didn’t know that, as I’ve never had cause to dry my penis!

@NotTakenUsername 😂 that did make me chuckle...however had you been their parent for 5 years you might have known?

i dont think its a big deal when theyre little.
I start making more of a deal about showers after puberty when they actually start stinking, but apart from that, i bath them when they get home. Its just a couple ofdays

MumOfTwoMiniMes That is a very valid point!

Actually stripping all the oils off your children’s skin is more abusive (in my eyes) than a weekly bath

The bathing issue is a divided so it shows it is a personal preference .

If child left in tights tell them to call dad. He might think a bit more

It’s normal not to wash children daily? This is the first I’ve heard of this!