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Original poster

Ex not keeping children clean on his weekends

99 replies

MumOfTwoMiniMes · 24/06/2018 18:37

Hi,
I seperated from the father of my two girls (4&5) about a year ago.
He has them every other weekend from school pick up to Sunday afternoon. There’s always something that I need to talk to him each time they’re dropped off, like lost school bag, or wearing unsuitable clothes etc. Mostly I’ve been picking my battles and only pointing out welfare based issues.
One of my main bug bears had been around baths. They’ve always had daily baths, it’s part of their routine and I think it’s important. Ex doesn’t see it as important and often forgoes a bath, I have not made an issue of it as the odd one here and there can’t harm.
However this weekend I feel a bit different, on drop off my nearly 6yr old DD informed me she only had a bath today (middle of the day too, which is odd but at least it happened) ...my issue is that she had sports day on Friday, it was a hot day and he was there for a bit of it and so saw she was getting hot and sweaty. However she didn’t get a bath until today... two days after sports day?!?
AIBU to think this is not ok?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 25/06/2018 14:45

I see the issues here, but mostly am wondering why nursery are trying to get you to police him. He is responsible for parenting on his time, so in your shoes I would remind them of this and ask them to raise any issues with him directly.

It could easily be that he listens to a third party more than to an ex. Just sayin.

CantankerousCamel · 25/06/2018 15:10

I think mostly smelly kids would be those who have no clean clothes. My children’s clothes are clean every day, they don’t smell and they’re absolutely fine. They also aren’t having their skin stripped of natural oils every evening or being immersed in water/products which thin the skin.

I realise this is a matter of opinion but not ‘all’ children who don’t have baths every day smell anymore than ‘all’ children who do bathe every day have excema.

Those are risks of those things but not direct products of

SnotGoblin · 25/06/2018 15:23

As with many previous posters, my kids are lucky if they get two baths a week.

My daughter hates being hot and virtually refuses to wear coats or large jumpers in winter and would be over the moon if I let her out in tights and a tshirt. Your comparison to an office lady’s attire is bizarre and off base.

It must be hard sharing parenting with someone who does it differently but you don’t have cause for complaint here. I’d be very surprised if nursery flagged them being unkempt as an issue.

Caribbeanyesplease · 25/06/2018 15:25

showers all the way in summer

No prep. In and out in 5. Clean and fresh.

Blueisland · 26/06/2018 08:45

Um cantankerous- washing with water does not ‘thin the skin’. Skin is waterproof and it is supposed to get wet. I would agree that daily washing with harsh soaps / products could irritate the skin but a daily wash with gentle products or even just a bath with no soap is not harmful. I’m really surprised that so many kids don’t bath every day as I thought this was normal. Maybe it is a regional difference. For those who don’t wash their kids daily, doesn’t your bedding get all dirty? My little girl gets really dirty in the summer from running around outside (which I love) and I like sending her to bed fresh and clean every night. I think some of the guidance about not needing daily washing is directed more at babies who aren’t crawling around yet so don’t get dirty.

moodance · 26/06/2018 08:54

It's a different type of parenting ... that's it. There's no wrong or right in this.

In reality by the time they are 6 / 8 plus they should be fully aware when they need to pack items for school or to wash their hands or change from dirty clothes.

I am not a huge fan of helicoptering parenting as the child / ren become dependent on the parent who does everything for them and this doesn't help the child / ren become independent children... young people... adults.

Roomba · 26/06/2018 09:16

Would those of you who think I'm neglectful not bathing DS2 more think differently if I told you about the awful eczema he developed as a baby? The GP and HV told me I was bathing him too often (every other day then). It settled when I cut down on the baths.

I've worked with kids who are actually neglected and who smell. There's a world of difference between those kids, who went weeks without washing at all (teeth and clothes included) and DS. DS has his face and teeth cleaned at least twice a day. His hands are washed many times a day. And his clothes are always clean on each day. I've met kids who had weeks of grime in their pores, musty chip fat smelling grubby clothes, hair that isn't brushed for days or weeks at a time and is riddled with nits... That is neglectful. DS is always perfectly clean and doesn't smell.

He will bathe daily when he gets a bit older, as DS1 started to. If DS1 doesn't shower daily, he stinks. It would be neglectful of me to allow him to go a week without washing! But 4/5 year olds do not sweat out hormonal BO, nor does their hair get so greasy it looks wet if they skip a day or two in the bath.

CantankerousCamel · 26/06/2018 09:17

Wiping your kids down because they’re muddy is not the same as immersing them in water and products daily.

It’s bad for them

NorthernSpirit · 26/06/2018 10:34

God, has everyone lost sight about what this post is really about?

It doesn’t matter if you think or don’t think that bathing kids everyday is right. It’s your opinion.

This post is about mum dictating to the dad what he should do. Mum can’t do that (just like dad can’t tell mum). End of.

Blueisland · 26/06/2018 12:49

Northern spirit, you’re totally right, a lot of this is a side issue from the OP’s post.

But... I still can’t get past what cantankerous is saying. What is the basis of your view that washing a child by immersing in water daily is bad for him/her? Is there any research to support this? I’m not trying to be difficult but I have never heard of this before and can’t think of a scientific basis for it. To clarify I’m talking about sitting in a bath before bed every evening, not using harsh soaps. Even the NHS website re washing newborn babies says a daily bath is fine if parents like to do that. And I’m not even talking about babies but children (and not children with skin problems, that’s a completely different story).

bastardkitty · 26/06/2018 13:24

I think that matter should be addressed on a separate thread because it's a non-issue and is derailing OP's thread.

insancerre · 26/06/2018 13:34

The nursery should be dealing with this issues with the dad and not telling tales by reporting it to the op
Very unprofessional of them

Blueisland · 26/06/2018 13:39

Ok so back on topic...

OP if I were in your shoes I probably would say something. I’d do it as nicely as possible and hope it wouldn’t start an argument. You are their mum, you know their routines and of course it should be fine for you to talk to their father about this. More communication is better, not less. Good luck!

Blueisland · 26/06/2018 13:55

Insancerre

I disagree. The nursery is right to raise welfare concerns with any parent, including the mother (eg unsuitable clothing, no coat, etc). It would be unprofessional not to do that.

insancerre · 26/06/2018 13:57

Yes, but would they be raising issues with the ops parenting with the dad?
I think not
If the nursery have issues with how the children are dressed them they should be raising those issues with the parent that brought them in
Not the op
That's taking sides and shouldn't be happening, the nursery should be neutral

Blueisland · 26/06/2018 14:52

Insancerre

I can see where you are coming from but if I was in the OP’s shoes I would want the nursery to mention these things to me. I can guess at various reasons why they might not want to raise it with the father (e.g. if they are worries he will react aggressively or if they think he will be dismissive - both just guesses though).

moodance · 26/06/2018 19:43

Seriously... now you are painting the ex to be some kind of monster that the nursery can't communicate with him ... I have heard enough... it's a control issue you have and I would guess you are bitter about the breakup.

bastardkitty · 26/06/2018 22:12

^ you okay hun? Hmm

somuchbetter · 26/06/2018 22:47

The conclusion is this: this post is turning into Brexit.
Someone should maybe put an end to it? nothing much to be gained by continuing, imo.

SnotGoblin · 27/06/2018 08:19

Still thinking about this. My two are in pre-school and get fed a substantial tea (soup or beans or sandwiches) at around 4/5 pm then come home to dinner as well. I think it’s really possible your little girl is still properly hungry.

SnotGoblin · 27/06/2018 08:20

Wrong thread, sorry 😐

Colbu24 · 27/06/2018 08:53

I'll never understand for as long as I live why people don't shower daily. Specially in the summer. It isn't bad for the skin at all.
People smell that's a fact. Why top and tail when would take the same effort to have a 2 min shower.
I think it's a shame that a Dad would not see the need to keep the kids clean but sounds like he isn't bother about it and mentioning may make him do it even less. I would still say something.

Beamur · 27/06/2018 09:08

You are going to have to pick your battles if you don't want to spend the next decade feuding with your ex over childcare.
I've come home before to find my DD has been wearing tights and a t shirt all day (DH thought they were leggings) - more than once.
Personally, we're not a wash every day household either, so the lack of a shower wouldn't bother me. But it does bother you. Most importantly though - did it bother the girls? Cause any harm?
I'd imagine your ex is a bit feckless and disorganised in other ways too (perhaps why he's an ex...)
My advice is to let it go, there will be many more incidents like this over the next few years.
Some things, like the coat at nursery, you can plan for - can you leave a cheap coat there as a stop gap?

IdLikeABiscuitPlease · 27/06/2018 09:16

I assume your children are pre pubescent??

My DS is 15 months, he has a bath weekly (more if he poo's and it goes everywhere).

Unless he stinks of shit or has stuff on him that needs a bath to wash off, I'd say it isn't an issue.

Kids don't stink like adults do.

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