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Original poster

Ex not keeping children clean on his weekends

99 replies

MumOfTwoMiniMes · 24/06/2018 18:37

Hi,
I seperated from the father of my two girls (4&5) about a year ago.
He has them every other weekend from school pick up to Sunday afternoon. There’s always something that I need to talk to him each time they’re dropped off, like lost school bag, or wearing unsuitable clothes etc. Mostly I’ve been picking my battles and only pointing out welfare based issues.
One of my main bug bears had been around baths. They’ve always had daily baths, it’s part of their routine and I think it’s important. Ex doesn’t see it as important and often forgoes a bath, I have not made an issue of it as the odd one here and there can’t harm.
However this weekend I feel a bit different, on drop off my nearly 6yr old DD informed me she only had a bath today (middle of the day too, which is odd but at least it happened) ...my issue is that she had sports day on Friday, it was a hot day and he was there for a bit of it and so saw she was getting hot and sweaty. However she didn’t get a bath until today... two days after sports day?!?
AIBU to think this is not ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfTwoMiniMes · 24/06/2018 20:28

@CantankerousCamel there is no suggestion here of abuse. I am merely seeking advice as to how to address a situation whereby I think my ex partner is overlooking important basics. If you read the thread you will see it is actually more about an ongoing element of laziness rather than the bath issue in isolation.
That is what I am seeking advice on.

OP posts:
Iceweasel · 24/06/2018 20:38

It's only 48 hours, I would just bath them on the Sunday night. Are they brushing their teeth and keeping hands and faces clean?

My child only had a shower a couple of times a week at that age, usually when I noticed he looked dirty. Only started to shower daily at 11.

Pebblespony · 24/06/2018 20:41

@blueisland There's a difference between washing every day and having a full bath every day. I don't know anyone who baths their children every day. But I'm in Ireland so maybe it's different here. The HV actually told me not to bath every day.

delilahbucket · 24/06/2018 20:48

At that age they won't get sweaty. Ds only got to the daily washing stage at age 9, although there are plenty of days when he's not done anything vigorous, and if he's not had his hair gelled, he just washes his face before bed.
From my experience, pick your battles. Ds comes home from his dad's often covered in food amongst a multitude of other things that scream "not looked after" like having to share a bed with siblings, being up until very late, sunburnt, the list goes on and on. I've given up saying anything a long time ago. He's getting to the age now where he's not enjoying going but as the grown up parent, I still encourage it. When he's mature enough he can decide if he wants to change his visits.

Original poster
MumOfTwoMiniMes · 24/06/2018 20:54

@delilahbucket I feel I am in for the same experience over the coming years.

It is frustrating though, why as mums why do we see certain standards (put upon us by ourselves as society) as minimum, and then its acceptable for dads to behave like babysitters, or staying over a mates house - and it's outrageous to expect any more?

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 24/06/2018 20:59

Curious about all these children who 'don't sweat'. Is it some kind of genetic problem?

ArnoldBee · 24/06/2018 21:11

The world of leggings, jeggings etc is very confusing. As far as their clothing is concerned I would keep it simple and focus on the appropriateness and cleanliness. I once dressed my DSD in a nightie for a party as i thought it was a dress!

CantankerousCamel · 24/06/2018 21:12

mum
I was accused of abuse and was (half heartedly) responding. Because it’s so absurd

CantankerousCamel · 24/06/2018 21:13

I also think tights in this heat is bordering on cruel.

Original poster
MumOfTwoMiniMes · 24/06/2018 21:16

@ArnoldBee expecting a parent to understand what is weather appropriate for a child on a rainy winters day is not confusing

OP posts:
TheOrigFV45 · 24/06/2018 21:31

Have the nursery told your ex when he's dropped them in dirty clothes? Why are they telling you? If they are concerned for their welfare then they can raise it themselves with child services.

titchy · 24/06/2018 21:38

Curious about all these children who 'don't sweat'. Is it some kind of genetic problem?

No they just haven't hit puberty yet.

OP seriously unclench. He DID bath them and it wasn't necessary to do so straight after sports day. No harm done. And leggings are pretty damn similar to tights to be fair. Are they happy there? Does he shout or frighten them? Hit them?

Scrumptiousbears · 24/06/2018 21:41

OP, the T shirt and tights thing made me laugh. My DP sent our 2 year old in PJs once "cause they met looked like clothes". Men hey Grin

bastardkitty · 24/06/2018 21:43

Babies are born with functioning sweat glands. Babies and children sweat. They start to sweat more before, not as, puberty hits. So 'my children don't sweat' is not a good reason to skip washing.

Iceweasel · 24/06/2018 21:50

Agree with TheOrigFV45, would be more helpful for the nursery to bring up any issues with your ex. If it is a regular occurrence then they could make a point to check your child is dressed appropriately before he leaves.

If he is having them Friday to Sunday he would only be picking them up from school now wouldn't he? I wouldn't be too fussed about unbrushed hair or wearing the same clothes all weekend, when they decide that they care then they will change clothes themselves and brush their hair. Basics for me would be changing socks and underwear, brushing teeth, washing hands and faces. School or nursery is different to home or the playing at the local park, I would expect brushed hair and clean clothes for school or nursery.

MiniAlphaBravo · 25/06/2018 09:34

Children do sweat!!! Ok they haven’t hit puberty so it doesn’t develop an odour (well it does but not as bad as in adults) but it’s still better to wash it off, especially when mixed with sun cream and other stuff that kids get over themselves.

Op I’m with you on this and I think his attitude is crap, although my dh is also unsure of the difference between tights and leggings. I guess you just have to keep raising it with him in a non confrontational way, and as the dc get older they could ask for a bath or shower if they wanted?

People bathing kids once a week is disgusting in my view and kids do smell if not washed. These people just can’t smell it because they’re part of the ‘I shower once a week and don’t smell’ brigade who actually stink. Espially in this hot weather (where I am anyway).

somuchbetter · 25/06/2018 10:25

You do seem bossy, MOTMM. Your high hygiene and tidiness standards are commendable but they don't have to be shared or acted on by the other parent. Many people don't bathe every day and they are clean. You go as far as to complain about the time of the bath!?

It's not like he doesn't bathe them, just not as often as you like - this is really not a welfare issue. There is no evidence of anything being jeopardized here but your own pride, you do sound a bit controlling.

somuchbetter · 25/06/2018 10:38

MiniAlphaBravo - I think your comment is a bit out of order. I happen to dislike the artificial smell of perfume and other bathing products some people insist on dousing themselves in after their daily shower. It also sets of my asthma.
I don't go about calling these people disgusting though. Personal choice, your choice doesn't give you any moral high-ground.

Whoknows11 · 25/06/2018 10:40

I’m in the court process and cafcass has highlighted the point that when the children are with their father he doesn’t wash them!

Washing is a basic need.

I can’t believe people only wash their children once a week. That is disgusting!

somuchbetter · 25/06/2018 12:03

Whoknows11 - why is it disgusting really? The guidance actually says we shouldn't wash them daily. Once a week it's reasonable for some, depending on their skin type, 3 times is a max. I bathe my kids twice a week and they do tops&tails every day, if they get dirty other than that they wash. They look clean, as clean as any clean kids in their school so I take it can't be that bad.
riseandshine.childrensnational.org/how-often-should-i-give-my-child-a-bath/

bastardkitty · 25/06/2018 12:37

People who only wash, shower or bathe once a week, smell.

Caribbeanyesplease · 25/06/2018 12:40

It is frustrating though, why as mums why do we see certain standards (put upon us by ourselves as society) as minimum, and then its acceptable for dads to behave like babysitters, or staying over a mates house - and it's outrageous to expect any more?

Confused

Lots of mums on this thread are telling you that you should let it go as bathing daily is not necessary.

It’s an utterly self imposed standard. Nothing to do with “society” in the slightest

CantankerousCamel · 25/06/2018 14:19

I would prefer my kids to smell than to hit adulthood with insufficient skin.

Skin is the first barrier against diseases, daily bathing in water for young, porous skin is so bad for it.

DragonsAndCakes · 25/06/2018 14:25

I think they don’t need a bath every day until they start making smelly sweat.
I also don’t think mixing tights and leggings up really matters in a pre school age child. But no jumper does. And on another occasion, no coat is also not taking care of them properly.

MiniAlphaBravo · 25/06/2018 14:28

somuchbetter I’m sorry if my comment offends you. Your link doesn’t actually say that 3 times a week is the optimum number of times to bathe, as far as I can tell it doesn’t offer a recommendation but granted it does say that every night is not required. It is from the US as well.

I remember kids in my class at school that smelled very bad indeed and i would hate my child to be one of those. Also my own 3 year old can get a bit smelly if I do leave her for a couple of nights without a bath. Topping and tailing would definitely help with this though. I like washing myself though and don’t really get why it’s so hard to bathe kids. I don’t always use soap, especially on my little one but the water is relaxing for them as well as hygienic.