Keeping secrets

[burgen]

Fairly recent split, few kids. Eldest is 8 and has hormones kicking in so is a bit emotional at times. Her dad is also emotional.

8 year old has today told me that daddy is saying things to her (about me) and telling her to keep it a secret and she's not allowed to tell me. Three other kids also piped up that he has said the same to them.

Now I've told her not to keep secrets. There's nothing she's not allowed to tell me. She's allowed to tell me anything.

Turns out it's nothing serious, just about knowing I'm not going to let him move back in (he's enjoying making this all my fault after 9 years of him abusing me).

So what do I do? He has them overnight tonight and all day tomorrow and I'm at work tonight but can cancel if absolutely necessary. He is still bullying and trying to control me so I'm finding it difficult to stand up to him a lot of the time.

Any advice??

Once your dcs are back at school next week, I'd send him a text saying that you've taught them that keeping secrets is bad unless about birthday presents and can he please not do that,

And then just airily ignore him. Don't let his nastiness have any effect.

Is there a third party (possibly family or an adult friend) who the kids can confide this secret to? Someone who can gently say that you definitely won't or haven't asked Daddy to move in and speaking to them allows them to keep their promise not to tell you?

I would reintegrate to the children there are no secrets you have to keep from Mum. When they say it’s a secret laugh and say you know you don’t need to keep secrets from mum . Difficult not to put kids in the middle . However he may be training them to keep more serious stuff from you .
If he knows it bothers you he is more likely to do it.