Why did my ex have to change?!

[PussPuss86]

Split up with ex 2 years ago after 5 years together. Never married. We split amicably and I thought we got on well. We continued living together for a few months, and I met my now DP in that time. Ex was supportive of my relationship, and had our DD lots to enable me to see my DP and develop my relationship. He was amazing. I got to go on holidays with friends and my DP, if I wanted to go out I could. He was always there and supportive. He paid me well despite being on 45/55 custody split as he moved in with his mum for a while. We were always texting and chatting on the phone. He took extra time off work to settle our DD into school as I had ran out of holiday. I thought I'd nailed co parenting. Things were great....until he met his GF

they've been together about 18 months and over time he's become more and more distant and I resent her for it. We no longer text and chat really, obviously about DD but not in the friendly way we used to. We used to have such a lovely and flexible arrangement, but now he rarely has DD extra and insists we stick to a schedule as best as possible as DD needs consistency! I feel he just wants to spend time with her! He thinks we should stick to 50/50 during the holidays yet he clearly has more holiday than me as he's just been away with his gf ...surely that's better spent on our DD?

I just feel shut out. When I met my DP I didn't change a thing. Why can't he be the same?

[PussPuss86]

I don't enjoy being a hypocrite - I am admitting to it. I just find it hard and I am concerned he's losing interest in DD

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

I couldn't understand why he would not be at home when he knew he was getting DD within a couple of hours. Just seems irresponsible to me

But he wasn't getting her till 10, why should he be at home waiting? As long as he was there at 10 thats all that matters. You only text him the night before then expected him to change his plans. You actually sound jealous of his girlfriend, I don't think this is about your dd at all.

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

I just find it hard and I am concerned he's losing interest in DD

I think you are more concerned he has lost interest in you tbh.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Nothing to do with being more or less important. People are allowed life's outside their relationships with their children. And over close relationships with exs (which this was) really aren't sustainable if he wants a new relationship

If he started cancelling his kids for that life that's different. But now he's just trying to change a relationship with really poor boundaries into a far healthier one.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

He has lost his interest in placating and trying to please you. You sound very very difficult to deal with. You're unhappy your DD is spending time with another woman but you got with another man while you were all under the same roof? And presumably you are happy for your DD to spend time with your DP? I understand you've admitted to being a hypocrite but it goes beyond that - you sound pleased to be a hypocrite, which is quite worrying.

You are confusing his love for his DD with his subservience to you. You have frankly abused his good nature for far, far too long. He is trying to do everything he can to make things consistent and more healthy for your DD and you are just hurt he has moved on. You would rather make things confusing and difficult for your DD than exercise a modicum of self restraint and leave your ex alone. Everything you are describing as bad things he's done actually make you look worse and worse. Seriously, leave your ex alone.

[Quartz2208]

He isnt losing interest in DD. He wants a schedule and he wants to keep to it.

He has lost interest I think in a relationship with you they are not the same thing.

He went away on holiday without her - so did you

[Toffeelatteplease]

Because he wasn't getting his child for a couple of hours during therefore didn't need to be there for a couple of hours

Ffs you can't expect him to drop everything so you could do your make up in peace. That's not an emergency and that is not about your child. You text the night before if there is a really good reason. No wonder you are rapidly losing his good will.

[Quartz2208]

oh and maintenance wise if it is 50/50 he has no need to pay as he covers his time

[TheDodgyEnd]

His current situation is EXACTLY what yours was when he was kind and accommodating and now you can't handle that the shoe's on the other foot.

I know a lot of single parents who would kill for a set up like yours. 50/50 parenting and you're still not happy? Come on.

I think you're not over him and actually this isn't about DD, but jealousy that his new GF is more important than you to him.

[kickingcancersass]

He's moved on, you're still hanging on to what was. Time to be less selfish and abide by the pre arranged drop offs etc

[FluffyNinja]

You sound very demanding OP by the way you expect him to be at your beck and call. No wonder he wants to limit contact to texts.
Are you simply jealous of his new girlfriend couched as concern for your DD?

[Starlight2345]

Do you have Dc 45 or 55% of the time?

I would say you are been unreasonable.

It seems that when you say this is about my DD ..It actually isn't..Why does he have to be home before she is due to arrive? This is about you having time to prepare for the wedding.

It seems that he did support you building a new relationship, you went on holiday without DD . You did an awful lot that was not about your DD..Now your Ex is trying to build himself a life you don't want him to..You want the flexibility you previously had, not your DD wants flexibility.

Unless there is an urgent issue , your DD does not need to be discussed at your convenience, it is mutual convenience .

[PussPuss86]

Ok, thank you for your comments

[SequinsOnEverything]

You come across as spoiled, immature, demanding, disrespectful of him and his time, completely unreasonable and very dramatic.

Exactly!

[PussPuss86]

It's just ever since he has been with her, everything has changed and surely you can understand why that is upsetting?

My DP used to find my level of contact with my ex difficult but I told him we just get on, that's how its always been and how it always will be. He accepted that.

My DD is my priority

[Allthelightsgoout]

He said please drop off at 10 as arranged. So that was the arrangement and then you expected him to change his plans to suit you. And it sounds like you do that a lot.

You said you felt like you'd 'nailed co-parenting' when it really sounds like he was doing more than 50/45 and 'paying you well' too. He was at your beck and call and able and willing to use some of his holiday to settle your DD into school because you'd used all yours holidaying with friends and your DP by the sounds of it while he had DD.

That doesn't sound like an equal relationship at all and now he has someone in his life and wants a personal life while still doing right by his DD (and it sounds like he is) you're disgruntled because you don't have him doing everything you want the way you want it all the time.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

It sounds like everyone in your life has to do what you want, agree with you, do everything you say, or you're just not happy. What a sad existence for all of you.

[Graphista]

Frankly I agree you seem jealous of the fact he's moved on. Your own dp said you were too close to your ex and it made him uncomfortable (what that actually means is you were inconsiderate selfish and dismissive of your own dp).

You need to grow up and stop expecting everyone around you to do what you want and just accept what you want however unreasonable.

Stop saying it's about your dd it's patently obvious it's not.

[Parentingsortof]

I parent 50/50 with my ex husband, if it's going to work in the long run you need to deattach.

The way I see it, is that the EX and I are no more than work colleagues, sharing a 'project' our children.

You can ask him to change dates or times, he might agree or might be a pain in the arse that's his choice.

Changing times at last minute is always a risk. If the kids get dropped off to me, I might be out and planning to get back for drop off time so a change would not work for me.

We tend to discuss big things in advance, where I can I plan trips in 'my time' but other things I would arrange months in advance.

Set up a shared Google calendar with contact dates and accept that you both have a different dynamic.

Also I agree with the others, he may stop maintance as he does not owe any.

I have the tax credits and CB for the children so the only things he contributes too is school uniform, school trips and after school activities.

Best of luck with everything

[Allthelightsgoout]

It's upsetting because you're used to getting everything done your way all the time and having your ex 'always there and supportive' when that wasn't his role.

I've been in relationships with men with children and never got involved in their relationship with their DC or ex but...if I was your exes GF and he asked my opinion; I'd have said I thought you were taking the piss and you were often really unreasonable.

Your DP was fine to meet and get involved with your child and you loved how supportive your ex was about your relationship but when he meets someone you don't feel comfortable with 'another woman' around your child and would 'phone your DD when he had her to check on her?

Come on! How awful and controlling. No wonder he's taken a step back.

[MadMags]

This has to be a reverse!

[PussPuss86]

Appreciate all your comments. Clearly my issue

[timeisnotaline]

You went away without your dd when you were going out with your dp. You adjusted contact with your ex so you could have more time with your new dp. You call this putting your dd first. All your ex wants to do is agree fair arrangements and stick to them, and not be expected to never leave the house so he is home no matter what time you turn up with your dd, but you think he is detaching from her? You really need some perspective here. Why cant you be as supportive as your ex was? He wants a weekend away with gf, offer to take dd because he did the same for you.