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Lone parents

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Original poster

Why did my ex have to change?!

91 replies

PussPuss86 · 20/09/2017 20:44

Split up with ex 2 years ago after 5 years together. Never married. We split amicably and I thought we got on well. We continued living together for a few months, and I met my now DP in that time. Ex was supportive of my relationship, and had our DD lots to enable me to see my DP and develop my relationship. He was amazing. I got to go on holidays with friends and my DP, if I wanted to go out I could. He was always there and supportive. He paid me well despite being on 45/55 custody split as he moved in with his mum for a while. We were always texting and chatting on the phone. He took extra time off work to settle our DD into school as I had ran out of holiday. I thought I'd nailed co parenting. Things were great....until he met his GF

they've been together about 18 months and over time he's become more and more distant and I resent her for it. We no longer text and chat really, obviously about DD but not in the friendly way we used to. We used to have such a lovely and flexible arrangement, but now he rarely has DD extra and insists we stick to a schedule as best as possible as DD needs consistency! I feel he just wants to spend time with her! He thinks we should stick to 50/50 during the holidays yet he clearly has more holiday than me as he's just been away with his gf ...surely that's better spent on our DD?

I just feel shut out. When I met my DP I didn't change a thing. Why can't he be the same?

OP posts:

Original poster

PussPuss86 · 21/09/2017 15:09

I would help him out of he asked for it. He asks his mum for help instead

Ok, what are your opinions on his GF going to my DD star assembly? I couldn't go as I was on a hen weekend, but it made me feel stupid that she went and I had to find out from my DD and the other school mums. Surely you can see why that has annoyed me?

OP posts:

Hotpinkangel19 · 21/09/2017 15:11

I think it’s lovely that she went, and is taking an interest in your DD’s achievements.

MadMags · 21/09/2017 15:12

My opinion is it's precisely nothing to do with you, and it's nice that she was available when you weren't.

Since you've only just mentioned it, I'd imagine that it's not as annoying as your ex not being available to enable your social life at your beck and call, or the fact that he's not allowing you to take the piss out of him financially anymore.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/09/2017 15:17

His love for his DD is not remotely linked to how subservient he is to his ex

This nails it.

OP if you're still around, you're behaving really badly but you can pull it back and work on a new fairer more emotionally detached co-parenting relationship with your ex.

Remember the effort he made in the early days of your relationship with your DP. He sounds like a very decent man.

You both love your daughter and are entitled to a full life some of which won't include her. You enjoy what this has meant for you, do him the same favour.

It doesn't sound like you know his new DP and have taken against her because of the change in your relationship with your ex. This isn't fair on her. All you can hope for is that treats your daughter with kindness and values your ex's relationship with his child. She's in the same position as your DP was and I assume that's turned out okay.

Take a step back. Start thinking about the two of you as coworkers as others have said. Respect the schedule you've agreed between you. Remember there's a big part of his life you're not involved now, and that's normal and healthy. Limit contact to just your DD, there's no need for anything else.

Hissy · 21/09/2017 15:18

Oh my god! who do you think you are???

All this fey "it's all about my DD' bollocks.. what a crock of crap! you are still trying to pull your ex chain!

You rang his DD 2 hours into his access time? really? WOW.

Of course he wants to stick to arrangements if he has planned other things - this doesn't mean he loves his DD any less - please don't tell me that you are telling your DD otherwise? - cos that is what the mother of my OH DC does.

She also changes arrangements last minute, and again and again UNTIL she hits on something OH can't move, then she lays it on thick to DC and to OH how uncaring he is and how DC feels unloved. (she doesn't thankfully, but it takes an enormous effort on both our parts to support her against her mother's manipulation). 9.30am collection on new years day anyone?

If your priority were your DD you would know that what you are doing is actually HARMFUL to your DD. You are undermining her time with her dad, you are damaging their relationship because you can't bear to step back and let them be.

Good for your ex that he is setting keeping these arrangements. He doesn't need to pander to your every whim, or anticipate your every need. he wants to see his DD when its arranged and he wants to have his life and his things on the times he doesn't have her. You are expecting him to just carry on doing as you tell him. Guess what? you are not the boss of him. He has a life and deserves to have one.

I couldn't understand why he would not be at home when he knew he was getting DD within a couple of hours. Just seems irresponsible to me

Just as well it's not your business anymore. You don't have the right to input on how he does things. He can arrive at his home at the same time as DD if he likes, he can arrive and have nothing in the fridge, no sheets washed, that is all his business and things he can sort out when she's there, because HE is a parent and fully able to run his home how he likes.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/09/2017 15:19

Ok, what are your opinions on his GF going to my DD star assembly?

I think it was lovely that she went to support your dd, especially as you were not available. I would be thanking her.

Allthelightsgoout · 21/09/2017 15:21

You sacked off your DDs star assembley because you had a hen do to go to and got pissed off that he went with his GF?

You are teasing us now yes?

Hissy · 21/09/2017 15:24

You were not there, he is an equal parent, he went, his GF clearly knows and cares for his DD and DD was happy she came.

In your world, you'd have said that your Ex should not have been on a hen/stag do that weekend because he should have made himself available for DD star assembly.

Does the fact that you did not attend her star assembly mean you don't love her? Cos that is what you are levelling at her dad.

I can get why you would be jealous... but that's your problem. Annoyed? nope, you have NO right to be annoyed.

DaisysStew · 21/09/2017 15:24

You seem to be more interested in keeping your ex on a string than his relationship with his daughter (which if he has her 50/50 will be the same level of contact you have). I think you liked the set up of having your ex still totally devoted to your "family" which in turn meant you had loads of free time with your new partner.

If your ex decided to drop your DD off earlier than arranged and you were unable to get back in time would you consider yourself a bad parent? Or would you be slating your ex for dropping her off during his time.

Your ex has as much right as you to a social life and a new relationship. His only obligation is to his daughter and he seems to be going above and beyond his duties with that (at least as far as maintenance which if it's 50/50 residence should be 0)

Original poster

PussPuss86 · 21/09/2017 15:24

The hen do (weekend) was planned long before I even knew about the assembly. They only inform you that same week and I was away from home

OP posts:

gamerchick · 21/09/2017 15:26

You come across as spoiled, immature, demanding, disrespectful of him and his time, completely unreasonable and very dramatic.

Yep ^^

In fact you're being so unreasonable I really want to call reverse.

Why did you go away to a hen do when your light of your life had an assembly?

He doesn't dance to your tune anymore and you need to grow up. Leave him alone and stick to the contact that's been set out.

gamerchick · 21/09/2017 15:27

Then you should have sacked off the hen like you expect him to do when you click your fingers.

You have it good. Pack it in.

Namehunting001 · 21/09/2017 15:29

OP, do you still love him?

Original poster

PussPuss86 · 21/09/2017 15:29

I just think he could have at least told me he was taking his GF to the assembly

OP posts:

PixieChemist · 21/09/2017 15:32

I think it's lovely she went as she clearly has an interest in your DD. I went to DSD's Christmas play assembly because her mum couldn't go. And you know what, her mum didn't mind that I went because why would she? She appreciates the fact I actually care about the DD because that's the normal response.

You are being totally unreasonable. He helped you out loads when you were starting to see someone and you totally took advantage of that. Like others have said now the shoe is on the other foot and you don't like it. Yes it sucks and it hurts when your ex moves on but come on, really? You were the one that got into a relationship with someone else first. Apart from anything else, your poor DP when your thoughts are so clearly are wrapped up in your ex and not putting him as a priority.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/09/2017 15:32

But why should he have told you? What is the issue with the gf going?

PixieChemist · 21/09/2017 15:34

Puss maybe it just didn't occur to him to tell you? You need to let them be and trust him as her Dad to do right by her. That includes trusting him when he brings people into your DD's life. You don't have the right to control or veto his life.

Original poster

PussPuss86 · 21/09/2017 15:35

Of course I don't still love him - we just had a good relationship, that's all

OP posts:

gamerchick · 21/09/2017 15:36

Bairns thrive on love OP and the more people who love them the better. Your ex is right to put boundaries in place with you now and tbh he sounds like a brilliant dad.

Let it go.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/09/2017 15:36

Do you tell your ex everytime your dp goes somewhere with you and your dd?

PixieChemist · 21/09/2017 15:42

Very good point Zero

DaisysStew · 21/09/2017 15:43

You can still have a good co-parenting relationship - if you stop with the jealousy and recognise that he's done nothing wrong and you have no right to be angry with him for moving on (especially when you already have).

Bubwiser · 21/09/2017 15:45

I'm with the other posters. YABU in your expectations of your ex.
However, the one thing I would agree on with you is that the ex should've told you he was bringing his gf along to the assembly. Yes, it was nice of her to take an interest but a head's up would've been nice. I assume if you had gone, you would have told your ex if you were bringing your DP...?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 21/09/2017 15:58

You didn't have a good relationship. You had a one sided situation in which you got your own way all the time. That's not a relationship.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 21/09/2017 15:59

I wonder if him bring amicable for a long time is because he was worried if he didn't you would kick off. I should think having a new GF has opened his eyes to what relationships are really about and hopefully she has given him the incentive to break the very unhealthy situation he was in previously.

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