Why did my ex have to change?!

[PussPuss86]

Split up with ex 2 years ago after 5 years together. Never married. We split amicably and I thought we got on well. We continued living together for a few months, and I met my now DP in that time. Ex was supportive of my relationship, and had our DD lots to enable me to see my DP and develop my relationship. He was amazing. I got to go on holidays with friends and my DP, if I wanted to go out I could. He was always there and supportive. He paid me well despite being on 45/55 custody split as he moved in with his mum for a while. We were always texting and chatting on the phone. He took extra time off work to settle our DD into school as I had ran out of holiday. I thought I'd nailed co parenting. Things were great....until he met his GF

they've been together about 18 months and over time he's become more and more distant and I resent her for it. We no longer text and chat really, obviously about DD but not in the friendly way we used to. We used to have such a lovely and flexible arrangement, but now he rarely has DD extra and insists we stick to a schedule as best as possible as DD needs consistency! I feel he just wants to spend time with her! He thinks we should stick to 50/50 during the holidays yet he clearly has more holiday than me as he's just been away with his gf ...surely that's better spent on our DD?

I just feel shut out. When I met my DP I didn't change a thing. Why can't he be the same?

[NatashaW1989]

OP you sound a little bit jealous if I'm honest. I suspect you enjoyed having your ex jump through hoops before, you had your cake and was eating it too. I wonder if deep down your smarting at the fact he's finally moved on.

How cruel of you to expect that you deserve to move on and nurture a relationship with someone new and he doesn't! He sounds like a decent father and I can assure you not many ex's are as considerate as he has been with you.

[Lemonnaise]

butterfly198615

Your brothers ex sounds vile. Did he ever get anything sorted with the ex? Why is he not standing up to her?

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

You never know op, one day the GF may become your dd's step mum.

9 years ago I was the hated GF, today I am the one with dss sat on my bed having a hug and reading whilst his mum is only allowed supervised contact.

You never know what will happen in life and if your ex and his GF are being kind and loving towards your dd then you need to accept that, the more loving adults your dd has in her life the better.

[butterfly198615]

You have to realise that your ex needs a life too. It's all one sided and in your favour and now he has met someone your finding it hard to let go but is it for your own needs or your childs. Your post sounds exactly like my brothers ex , as soon as he got a girlfriend and wanted to see her , she didn't like it because she wanted to go out with her mates or the most recent boyfriend she had. She forgot the fact he had been there to give her money and basically look after their child whilst she was going away with her boyfriends, going on nights out and hen party's. This was every week since they split up their ds hardly saw his mum. Being there for her failed relationships after failed relationships.Treating him like he was shit when she had a new boyfriend wasn't allowed to ring her and only spoke when he was picking his ds up and then if that relationship failed she was on the phone wanting him to go round and stay there. Whenever it was Christmas she would want my brother round as to have the presents from him etc and then she would kick him out again. I kid you not she never had her son on the days she was suppose to have him he was not with her she would dump him on someone else so she could do what she wanted.
We seen right through what she was doing but but couldn't say anything as they were best friends.
So after not having a relationship for years after he split up with his ex because he was busy working and looking after their son like a proper parent. He met someone new, this is where the problems started. When he wasn't dropping everything for her needs , he was the bad parent according to her despite what he has done for her. He couldn't have a life with his new GF as he had to bend to her every need. Once he said that maybe she could have their son of a weekend the answer was nope because she had plans.
My brothers girlfriend tried to talk to her and ask would it be ok of they could have the weekend free. As it wasn't a problem with my brother when she was seeing people. But the answer was no all the time and a barrel of abuse at his gf This was putting a strain on his new relationship as it was like she didn't want him to move on despite it being ok for her to do so.

She said exactly what you said I just want my best friend back.
I'm sorry this isn't going to work as you have moved on and your ex isn't a child minder yes he's a father but he needs a life too Why would you not want him to be happy if you have moved on ?
Once you split up that's it you keep.things civil and of he wants to set up some sort of rota then it can only be for the best in the long run.

Your probably nothing like my brothers ex but it all.sounds familiar. You will have to wake up and see that your ex isn't in the wrong in anyway it's just life and he seems to be moving on. Please don't kick up a fuss and use your son as a weapon, Not saying you will , as my brothers ex did. It has really effected their son and it's not fair on the child.

[Lemonnaise]

I want things flexible so she can go to sleepovers etc

I bet you do!

My DP was like your ex when I first met him. I opened his eyes for him, pointed some things out to him...he was totally oblivious that his ex was ripping the piss out of him regarding the kids. She'd threaten him with not seeing the kids etc if he didn't do what she wanted, he'd just sigh and give in. All sorted now thankfully but it took for me to tell him to put his foot down, that there was no way she'd actually go through with stopping contact with the kids, she'd never get her nights out etc if she done that. I suspect that's whats happened here, his new g/friend has given him a few pointers.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

I don't think its wrong that OP went on the hen do. DD was with her father...all good. The issue is that OP has one rule for her and another rule for her ex. OP seems to want to be in charge of everyone and no one can step out of line or else they are accused of not doing right by the little one. It's all very strange. Hopefully a wind up as I am skeptical whether anyone would be this brazenly bad.

[Holidayhooray]

I just feel shut out. When I met my DP I didn't change a thing. Why can't he be the same?

But you did! Reread your OP.
Your ex was very accommodating during this time.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Unless its something that comes round on like a monthly basis I would have cancelled/delayed the hen weekend for the star assembly. The situation just wouldn't have haven't happened, probably not the best person to comment on that... she did a good job supporting your DD I'd just be glad about that

[PeppyPiggy]

he sounds great!!! I wish my dd's dad was like that :( ..a good dad to his kids and a good partner to his current partner (which sets a good example for children to understand healthy relationships)

I honestly think you're just missing how things were, when he was very accommodating with you, and that is understandable but the way he is being now is also very understandable and very reasonable.

[namechanger2735]

When I met my DP I didn't change a thing. apart from having less time for your DD and using your ex and the fact he was alone to your advantage for childcare. I'm glad he's happy now and not wrapped around your little finger

[Norland]

The thing is OP, if you drop your daughter off an hour early on a Saturday morning, 'cos you need to get your eyebrows waxed, he's going to miss out on an hour's worth of shagging.

New girlfriend; out Friday night whooping it up; home late and off to bed; quickie followed by drunken sleep; then a nice, wake-up, sleepy romp before daughter arrives for scheduled time.

New relationships are like that, lots of nooky. I suppose your 'new' relationship is past the honeymoon stage now and the wild, abandoned sex is winding down a bit?

[Starlight2345]

Have a biscuit for your first post.

[MadMags]

This has to be a wind up!

[Chocolatebunnyhunter]

*that should say DSC not DAD!

[Chocolatebunnyhunter]

I just wanted to comment that I have been the GF in this situation, and had to have words with my BF about the boundaries between him and his ex. It's hard when there are children involved, but she moved on and so did he. He takes both DC to school 5 days a week, has them overnight 3 times a week and we now (3 years on!) have a really good relationship with the DC's mum, to the point where I text her directly more about the girls than my DP does! It's about the boundaries being clear that it's about the children, who have to come first and appreciate parents and step parents who get on. Also, I take an active interest in my DAD and have been to plays, carol concerts and open days when their mum couldn't. She was grateful I went for the girls as well as for her. You need to step back and remove the emotion. He is your ex, and sounds like an ace dad.

[Graphista]

Yes I'll bet your dp went to your dds assemblies etc did you even give a seconds thought to how that'd make your ex feel?

You met now dp when you were still living with ex - that must have been incredibly hard for him. How long were you with dp when you introduced dd to him?

You sound like my ex. He had an affair and is now married to OW but if he even thinks I'm dating he gets possessive and aggressive.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

I wonder if him bring amicable for a long time is because he was worried if he didn't you would kick off. I should think having a new GF has opened his eyes to what relationships are really about and hopefully she has given him the incentive to break the very unhealthy situation he was in previously.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

You didn't have a good relationship. You had a one sided situation in which you got your own way all the time. That's not a relationship.

[Bubwiser]

I'm with the other posters. YABU in your expectations of your ex.
However, the one thing I would agree on with you is that the ex should've told you he was bringing his gf along to the assembly. Yes, it was nice of her to take an interest but a head's up would've been nice. I assume if you had gone, you would have told your ex if you were bringing your DP...?

[DaisysStew]

You can still have a good co-parenting relationship - if you stop with the jealousy and recognise that he's done nothing wrong and you have no right to be angry with him for moving on (especially when you already have).

[PixieChemist]

Very good point Zero

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

Do you tell your ex everytime your dp goes somewhere with you and your dd?

[gamerchick]

Bairns thrive on love OP and the more people who love them the better. Your ex is right to put boundaries in place with you now and tbh he sounds like a brilliant dad.

Let it go.

[PussPuss86]

Of course I don't still love him - we just had a good relationship, that's all

[PixieChemist]

Puss maybe it just didn't occur to him to tell you? You need to let them be and trust him as her Dad to do right by her. That includes trusting him when he brings people into your DD's life. You don't have the right to control or veto his life.