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Original poster

DS1 has told me he wants to live with daddy

66 replies

pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 14:57

He said he doesn't want to live with me when we move, but wants to live with daddy.

He said he doesn't see daddy very much, so I guess this may be why he wants to be with him, but he also said he will only live with me if we're all living together.

Maybe he feels like I am taking his daddy from him.

I have tried explaining that it will be like having two homes & that he will see pretty much as much of daddy as he does now etc, but he is obviously worried about everything.

We could be moving in a matter of weeks now, and this is just breaking my heart.

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Molesworth · 30/03/2007 15:01

{{{ pinkchampagne }}}

how absolutely rotten for you

I don't know the details of your situation, but assume that you and ds' dad are separating for good reason

hold on to the thought that ds' sadness will fade, and that by separating ds' life will be better, even though he doesn't see it that way at the moment

aol · 30/03/2007 15:03

How old is he pinkchampagne?

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 15:06

He is 7.5, aol. H works a lot & is often out with friends etc, so they don't see that much of him, and I guess this may be why he came out with this.
I feel so terrible for the boys. It is going to be hard.

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Molesworth · 30/03/2007 15:08

It will be hard, there's no escaping that fact. I hope things are amicable with your h?

Aimsmum · 30/03/2007 15:11

Message withdrawn

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 15:13

He asks why I am splitting up with daddy, and today he said "Don't you like daddy anymore?"
They are really hard questions to answer because the children rarely saw us argue - most of the upset would happen when they were not around.
I try to tell him that we both love him lots & he will spend lots of time with both of us, but I guess it is difficult for a child to really get their head round.

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Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 15:15

H says he will have them as often as he can (he does shift work), so hopefully they will get lots of time with him.

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Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 15:20

I also have a younger son of four, but he has less understanding of the whole situation atm.
They are both adore their daddy though.

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Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 16:35

He seems fine now & is playing on the computer downstairs with his brother. When I walked in to the kitchen he said "I love you mummy & I do want to live with you"
Poor DS, he is obviously really quite anxious & I don't really know how to make it any easier for them, other than try to reassure.

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colditz · 30/03/2007 16:37

i think he will calm down when the dust settles and he realises he does still see daddy.

Aimsmum · 30/03/2007 16:38

Message withdrawn

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 16:50

Very hard & I feel very upset, not so much that he said he wanted to live with daddy (although it's the first time he's come out with this), but more that it is horrible that DS is obviously feeling so mixed up & I hate what I'm doing to them.
The "I will only live with you if we all live together" line really got to me.

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Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 17:07

I guess I should be prepared for this kind of reaction, and expect for things to get tougher when we actually make the move. It's very upsetting though.

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Dinosaur · 30/03/2007 17:11

Oh honey, I'm sorry. Poor you, this must be so awful when you have done so much of what you have done with DS1's interests as the driving force.

I don't know what to say, I really don't. I desperately hope that it is partly just worry about the separation and that things will settle down again once you're in your new house.

I don't know whether you should try gently pointing out to DS1 that in the new house he will have more freedom from ex-H and will be able to do more messy play and eat in the lounge and all that? Or do you think that would be unfair on him and ex-H?

Dinosaur · 30/03/2007 17:13

Would H be prepared to sit down with you and DS1 and sort of make a plan for what time DS1 and DS2 can spend with him at weekends and what they might do together, stuff like that? Or would H not be prepared to do that? I suspect I might know what your reply will be to that...

ScummyMummy · 30/03/2007 17:15

God- that must have been hard to hear, pc. I think you should expect him to swing hot and cold about it but not be afraid to gently but firmly say "Daddy and I have decided that you will live with me and see him very regularly." i think he really need to know that you are the adults and it's not his decision where he will live even though you will listen to how he feels and do everything in your power to make sure he is happy. It will make hime feel a bit safer to know he is not in charge, i think.

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 17:20

I don't know, Dino, he might do because he went through his own parents separation as a child, so has a little idea of what DS is going through.

It's hard because I don't want to run their father down in anyway, so I do struggle when DS asks why I am leaving daddy & if I don't like him anymore.

I think they get bored of me because I'm the one who's always around, whereas daddy is more of a novalty.

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Dinosaur · 30/03/2007 17:22

I know, and I think you are marvellous for not slagging him off - it would be more than understandable if you did!

Is there anything that DS1 has always wanted that he's not been able to have under H's roof - like a pet perhaps?

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 17:24

I told him that he is going to live with me & stay with daddy lots too.
I explained that daddy has to work lots, but he will see daddy as much as possible & it will be like he has two homes.
He cried after I told him this, and said the Easter card he made was for everyone but me!
He later came round & said he loved me & his card was for me too.
I think he is pretty mixed up with it all right now.

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Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 17:27

He has never had a pet, but I'm not sure he's that bothered about one tbh.
Maybe I will get them a painting easel!

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Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 17:33

They are both laying with their dad right now.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/03/2007 17:37

Can you get their Dad to do some of the talking too?

Only fair....cant all be down to you.

Dinosaur · 30/03/2007 17:38

It is entirely understandable that he feels mixed-up inside. Poor DS1.

Blu · 30/03/2007 17:42

I think Scummy's point is good.

He's saying that to you, though, because he knows he is safe to say it, and that you won't actually jettison him. And each time he has retracted it.

Tougher, and then better, I'm sure.

Bloody tough now, though.

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 17:47

It is bloody tough, and I just don't know if I'm dealing with it all in the right way or not.

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