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Lone parents

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Original poster

DS1 has told me he wants to live with daddy

66 replies

pinkchampagne · 30/03/2007 14:57

He said he doesn't want to live with me when we move, but wants to live with daddy.

He said he doesn't see daddy very much, so I guess this may be why he wants to be with him, but he also said he will only live with me if we're all living together.

Maybe he feels like I am taking his daddy from him.

I have tried explaining that it will be like having two homes & that he will see pretty much as much of daddy as he does now etc, but he is obviously worried about everything.

We could be moving in a matter of weeks now, and this is just breaking my heart.

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Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/04/2007 13:47

Have you made the dying Jesus bonnet yet, Blu?!

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Flamesparrow · 02/04/2007 14:02

Sorry - don't know your full history, but have read the whole thread and wanted to add in a been there as a child pov...

My memories from my childhood are always very fuzzy (its horrible, I remember all kinds of facts and figures, but actual memories cloud over ), anyway, divorce memories are still very clear. The most repeated thought is that it might not be forever.

The fantasies that your parents might still remember they love each other and get back together. The living apart makes it that bit more real and you will do anything to keep them together - including saying you want to live with the other one. I know he is only young, but I get the feeling he is grasping at straws - if I say I want to live with daddy then mummy will stay too kind of thing

It carried on for me until my mum started seeing someone else (thankfully someone I liked!!!).

You are the one doing all the real talking, so you are the one he sees as being in control of the situation, and the one he desperately wants to make stay.

It must be hell for you both Just constantly let him know how much you love him. He does understand what you are telling him, he just doesn't want to believe it.

Blu · 02/04/2007 15:00

(updated the dyig Jesus bonnet today - search on my name!!)

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/04/2007 15:18

Your post made me, FS. It's a horrible thing for children to go through, and I know that DS is obviously feeling all sad & confused right now. He is a deep little boy, and much as he rarely seems to talk about this much, I know it is effecting him so much.
I do try to reassure him & tell him how much we both love him etc.
I am prepared for things to get tougher once we make the move.
Thank you for sharing your own childhood experience of this.

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Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/04/2007 15:19

Blu - I will do a search now!

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Flamesparrow · 02/04/2007 15:26

Oh PC

I was 11 when it happened - new school (the first one without my sister), new friends, puberty, and parents seperating all at the same time. I think it hitting at such a big stage in my life is what makes it that much more vivid.

I wish you all the luck in the world. The bit I didn't mention is out the other side - when everything is settled, you see your mum and your dad more individually than had you all been living together, your home life is calmer, and (best of all for a kid ) you get double the xmas presents

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/04/2007 15:43

Thanks, FS.
It must have been a really tough time for you to go through the split. Was there quite a build up to it, or was it all very sudden & quite a shock?

Since the start of all this, the thing that would hit me the hardest, was the effect it would have on my boys.
Because we have still been under the same roof, we didn't mention anything until quite recently, as we didn't want to confuse & upset the children more than we had to.
DS2 is too young to really understand atm, although he is a real daddy's boy & asks where H is all the time.
DS1 is much more aware & I know he is effected quite a lot by it.

I know that things will eventually get better, but this stage & the stage I'm approaching, are just so tough.

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Flamesparrow · 02/04/2007 15:55

Very sudden - my parents didn't really argue, so I had no idea anything was wrong (my sister may have had an inkling, I don't know).

I'm not entirely sure what led to it, but my dad was out, my mum got angry and phoned someone, got no answer... went to check at their "friend's" place, and he was there My mum was upset when she got back, but I didn't understand why (god I was naive!) - as far as I knew dad was out so my mum had gone to see x.

The next day we got taken out of school after my music lesson and taken out for a picnic (was completely confused by that stage!!), and told that dad had been seeing y (turned out that parents had 2 friends with the same name, and I was confused about who mum had been to see!!), and that he wouldn't be living with us anymore. Got home to find no dad and a letter

A few days later they got back together to try again, split up properly about 4 months later - another outing, but this time my dad said goodbye first and we knew we were going out so he could clear his things.

The second time was easier, but then there was more of the "they might fix things" fantasy because it (to my eyes) had happened before - I hadn't seen how hard those 4 months had actually been for them.

About 6 months or so later my mum met a wonderful man by chance, and she started to smile again

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/04/2007 16:01

Oh FS, that must have been so horrible for you. The bit about the letter & no dad really brought a lump to my throat.
Did you continue to have contact with your dad after the separation?

Lovely to hear that your mum met a lovely man & was able to smile again though.

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Flamesparrow · 02/04/2007 16:08

Saw my dad most weekends until I was about 14 (when I legged it for a social life ). It then dwindled to once a month or so, and then less as I hit 16. I never stayed there (he was in a small house with y and her 2 young daughters), so we didn't have that kind of closeness.

Drifted apart more as I got older, just phonecalls and the odd meetup in pubs, got closer once DD was born and since falling pregnant with DS see them most weekends.

I am very close to my mum (who isn't with the lovely man anymore, but he helped her heal iyswim), and speak to her every day, see her most days

It all turned round in the end. I can't lie and say it will be better soon - its going to be a very hard slog for a few months yet, and there will be hiccups for a good while afterwards, but it is for the best.

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/04/2007 17:08

I know it is going to be a very hard slog for a while & that things will probably take a turn for the worse when we actually move. I hate that they are having to go through this.

Glad to hear you have such a good relationship with your mum, FS, and that you haven't lost contact with your dad.

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Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/04/2007 19:43

Agents phoned earlier to say that couple buying our house have exchanged contracts & were after moving in next Friday!!
I have told them that it will not be possible for me to move out quite that quickly!

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Flamesparrow · 02/04/2007 19:53

Nice that they are keen though!!

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/04/2007 20:05

I guess!!

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Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/04/2007 21:55

Signed to exchange that should be!

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 03/04/2007 17:55

DS1 has just made H a card, and inside it he's written: I love my daddy, he takes me places & buys me things.

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