I've finally got through to my partner that I want to split up - any advice?

[IdreamofClooney]

Hello Everyone

I am feeling very shaky today as last night I finally got the message through to my partner that our relationship was over. It took over four hours and I eventually had to be very blunt with him as he was not accepting the "please will you move out" line I have used for months.

We have not been getting on well at all for a long time and a few months ago I realised that this is my one chance at life and I needed to sort myself out. There are a lot of different issues involved but the main ones are that he is completely financially inept - no bank account therefore no joint mortgage, he never gets up in the morning without me begging him, he drinks too much comes home drunk and leaves pans on the stove etc etc.

Anyway I have been calm and reasonable and asked him to move out several times and he refuses so last night I told him that our relationship was over and that I would not change my mind. He kept saying he could not believe I was giving up so easily (!) and that I was selfish etc. I told him that I was sorry as it was the last thing I wanted but that I had lost respect for him and that he was not the person I wanted to be with.

He now calling me all the names under the sun and saying that I am a bad mother as jeaparising DS's future etc.

Sorry this is so long! Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I want it to be reasonably amicable - is that possible? THe bottom line is that he is DS's dad and I want him and DS to have a good relationship, regardless of the fact that I can no longer live with him.

so you have the finances under control?

you have your housing situation under control?

i think maybe "mediation" services rather than marriage guidence may enable you to talk through an amicable arrangement for custody of your child.

HE refuses to go to a counsellor or a mediator! I have suggested that as I thought it would help things.

He just insists that I am horrible to him and pick on him!

I am in sole charge of the finances as he does not have a bank account. If he chooses not to give me money I will cope somehow. We are living in my tiny one bedroom flat and I have asked him to move out, but he is refusing so I am not sure what to do.

All I want is for my child to be happy and at the moment I am very unhappy and full of resentment towards my partner which I feel is detrimental to my DS's well being. I think that if we lived apart things would be better - I wouldn't get upset begging DP to get up EVERY day, I would be able to buy a bigger flat etc - so much stress and unhappiness will go, I know this part is the hard part and once it's all settled it will be better but I think that DP is going to make it hellish. I worry that he may fight me for custody or something like that to punish me

do you own or rent the flat. whose name is it in?

Clooney, leaving pans on stove at night is putting you all in danger of a house fire.
If he wont see a mediator tell him you will see a solicitor to arrange his visitation. Even if you don't want to the threat might be enough. You are not jeopardising ds's future you are securing it.
He needs to see that he needs to be responsible now that you have ds.

I just cannot go in living with him as he has completely different priorities and values to me. My priority in live is to give my DS a good life and support and love him that is it, I also want to be happy myself though and I don;t agree with DP that the worst thing for DS would be for us to split up.

I own the flat - it is my flat I bought it in 1998 and pay the mortgage and all of the bills. DP will give me cash eventually each month but currently owes me over £500 which I certainly won't see again and I am sure that he will claim he has rights over the flat and contents. However as he has not financial status whatsoever he is paid in cash and spends it all each month no bank account, no savings,no pension etc he will have a problem showing that I owe him anything surely?

I think I am doing the right thing for my DS and for me but am starting to have doubts now which am sure will get worse as DP starts to turn the knife which he will.

He claims that I drive him to drink! I drive him to drink by asking him to behave like a reasonable adult indeed

Sorry to hear this. Make an appointment with the CAB re your rights - he will have no way of getting custody. Make an appointment with the lone parent advisor at the job centre plus. If he is anything like my xp he will get very angry, try to undermine you, say 'you are ruining your sons live' etc etc. It is really hard, try not to doubt yourself and speak to close friends/family to back you up (if they feel you are doing the right thing - which it sounds like you are IMO).
How are you getting him to leave your flat?? Once he is out he may start accepting it is over. Keep pushing for mediation, my xp said he wouldn't go and now has gone. We have both had our separate appointments and have a joint one soon. Keep on track what you say to him and keep repeating it - eventually some of it may stick. Sounds like you are being very fair in that you want him to have a good relationship with your ds. It is really hard. All the best.

It took ages for my ex to get the message that I was kicking him out. I was also called all the names under the sun, he threatened to apply for custody take kids out of country etc etc.

Although it is hard and you think it will never be sorted, it is worth it, hang in there. You will be happier alone, and your kids DEFO benefit from this. I have no regrets at all.

Thanks so much for your posts - this is exactly the kind of thing I need to hear right now. My close friends who know all the details are totally supportive of my decision and agree that I am not being selfish as I am doing it for the well being of my DS. Even my Dad who is not normally one to show an opinion has voiced his concern at the way my relationship worked and he doesn't even know half of it.

In fact when I think about it I am actually so embaressed by a lot of DP's behaviour (the drinking, the leaving pans on, the staying out all night, the lack of any financial control, the sheer laziness) I don;t actually tell a lot of people, which says a lot.

I feel kind of numb now having finally told him but I think the worst is yet to come. My friends think I should change the locks when he is out and pack up his stuff as he is refusing to leave and it is my flat but I do not want to do that as he is DS's dad so I want things to be amicable. I jsut do not know how I will get him to leave if he refuses!

its not going to be amicable is it ? little comments you have said - you know its's true.

so give him a date. tell him locks will be changed. give him a decent amount of time to get somewhere to go.

if he refuses to leave call the police

I really really want to avoid that type of confrontation for the sake of DS - he is only 21 months and I would hate him to see anything like that.

He already asks me to kiss DP goodbye when I leave which breaks my heart and I hate doing this but it is only solution.

There is nothing that DP can do now to make me reconsider. I've begged him for four years now to get a bank account, start a pension, apply for a passport etc and only now is he actually doing any of it. I am so full of resentment as I have been waiting since before DS was born for him to sort himself out so we could be a partnership and share finances and responsibilites but he just won;t do it.

I still love him as he is DS's dad so I really do not want to change the locks on him.

Perhaps I am being niave and will be back on here tomorrow after having an emergency locksmith out at 4 in the morning when DP has not returned from the pub but I really don;t want to.

Custardo is right. And ds wont remember in the long run.
If YOU own the flat and it is in your name then I can't see him having any rights to it.
Give him as long as you think he needs, say 4 weeks to find somewhere. Tell him the actual date. If he leaves it too late and hasn't found somewhere by that date, be firm.Don't let him stay, cos that's taking the piss and it will be his fault, you will have given him plenty of notice. When you tell him the date, also tell him that you will not extend it, and that if he wont go you will have him removed. It's your place and the police have to remove him if you call them.
Be firm. If you anticipate trouble on that day then send ds to a family member or friend for the day. Tell your partner he has to be gone by noon, then ds will not be there.
Arrange visitation during the 4 weeks, be fair and accommadating, but not a door mat.
You can do it!!!!

Agree with the others - doesn't sound like it will be amicable. Your ds will not remember what is happening now. What bandofmothers suggests sounds a good plan. Sounds like he will be very resentful, angry, go into denial - all the usual. Stick to your guns and you will get through it - seems an eternity I know, I split with my xp in Dec 2006 it seems so much has happened and it's only March.

Ps I got the same 'You are giving up too easily and haven't given this relationship a chance' - We had split before for 6 months very nastily - lived apart etc. Got back together did relate, xp was going to go to anger management but decided it wasn't for 'people like him' - he seems to have forgotten all this, this time round. I think the more rubbish they say, the more they think it's true.

The bottom line is - when you told him to move out you rejected him and it hurt. He is saying these things because he wants you to hurt too. These lines about 'You're giving up so easily' and 'You're selfish' is him knowing you had little enough self esteem to put up with his shit for years, and if he can knock it a bit lower you might give up.

has he always been an involved dad? See if you can get him to carry on doing some of the things they used to do together.

Make him move out as soon as possible - preferably today, if not then definately tomorrow, because the longer he hangs around the harder it will be to enforce it.

Thanks for all of your posts.

I asked him last night if he had any plans about where he was going to go. He said I could not "throw him out of his home". I suppose to be fair I have been totally fed up with his behaviour and have been thinking about splitting up for ages whereas he is so used to me giving in and forgiving him for yet another misdemeanor that it must be a cold hard shock to hear that I've finally had it.

He is invloved with DS - he looks after him wed and thurs as those are his days off, but does not ever get up in the morning to help. I've moaned about it on here before as I do the lion's share of the housework and child care anyway as he works in a restaurant and is "too tired" to get up and help. I would like him to continue to have a good relationship with DS but I feel that he may object to looking after him all day on wed and thur as that is obviously doing me a favour as cuts down on nursery costs etc.

Tonight will give him a date to be out by as I think he needs some kind of deadline, although as I mentioned in previous posts he is not exactly the most motivated type of person and never organises anything for himself, not to mention the fact that he has no bank account so no idea how he will be able to rent a flat. BUt that is not my problem I suppose - I'm fed up being the only adult in the relationship and being responsible for EVERYTHING! Feel better getting that off my chest.....

IDOC

this is a common misconception held by a LOT of men who refuse to grow up.

You bloody well CAN throw him out of your home. It's not his home if he isn't contributing. He has no rights of tenancy if he didn't have his own bedroom, I'm sure.

get rid, get rid get rid.

I know from experience that every time they do something unforgivable, and they persuade you to give on more chance, although they were already on their last chance, a little bit of your dignity dies. Mine did anyway.

Thanks Colditz

I think everyone's advice is right and I am being a big wuss! My Dada doesn't even know half of it and thinks I should change the locks. I am just dreading a big scene where he bangs on the door etc and wakes the nieghbours up etc.

Am feeling so crap today - he came home wasted last night (was asleep on the sofa with the lights on when I got up with DS this morning) he spent all of his cash for the month long ago so is currently drinking DS's child benefit and tax credits. HE refused to get up this morning when I left for work and then told me to f u several times in front of DS.

His behaviour is so awful I'm embaressed to tell people the things he does and yet he thinks I am a cow for telling him its over.

IDOC - it is really hard. You are right, I'm sure it is a lot worse than you say and it is embarrasing to say what goes on mainley for your xp but also for you to say to people what you are putting up with. From my experience actions speak louder than words so you have to get him out somehow - seems like he has paid lip service to how you wanted him to be but actually done nothing about it. He is obvioulsy very threatened - hence his behaviour may be worse than normal ie swearing at you in front of ds. Not acceptable. The sooner you manage to get him out, the sooner you can both get on with your lives. Yes he may behave badly ie come and bang on the door - call the police. Sounds like you are just getting yourself prepared for the worst - sensible. I was dreading my xp would not bring my ds back one day - absolutely terrified me. Apart from being a bit late on the odd occasion - this hasn't happened. With any luck your worst fears won't be realised - though you do know your xp the best and what he is capable off so listen to your instincts and be prepared.

Thanks Harra

I'm really struggling to cope at the moment. Am alone in my office at work and have tons to do but cannot concentrate as am so worked up about what is going to happen.

I've only confided a one close friend and in my Dad (both of whom told me to change the locks and take his cash card to my account off him) I feel that I am in the right and am behaving in a reasonable way but he just refuses to listen to sense.

Tbh I think that a major issue is his drinking - that is how he handles life;s problems - gets drunk. It is the reason he has no money (even 10 pints a week after work = £30 plus beers and wine at home £15 a week plus fags £20 a week means that he spends well over £200 a month on drinking a smoking) He denies he even has a problem with alcohol but lies about drinking - when I go into the room he is sleeping in it stinks of booze and he says he had one beer after work - please. Then for DS to find him comotose on the sofa and be unable to wake him up - so beyond acceptable behaviour but he just says "I'm tired"

Oh am soooooo fed up with him. I told him he had to be out by next weekend - he says he won;t move till he has somewhere to go but has not made any moves to find anywhere. I'm thinking maybe I should go and stay somewhere else but why should I it's my flat?

No of course you shouldn't stay somewhere else. It sounds like you are being much more than reasonable. Stick to your decision about him being out at the weekend -it is his problem. It might be different if things were amicable but they are not and his behaviour is unacceptable - keep telling yourself that - you and your ds should not have to live like that. I'm on extended mat leave and finding it really hard so it must be a nightmare for you working as well, it is so stressful and no let up for you. As you say impossible to concentrate on work. I could hardly sleep at night thinking of everything when I first split with xp. We are still having massive rows now as he won't pay me any money but at least I don't have to live with him. Keep talking to your friend, Dad and us to help you through this diffucult time.

If you go somewhere else you will never get him out. You need to stay put. You can get him out. The Police will remove him if you call them when your deadline rolls around and he hasn't found somewhere. They take verbal abuse (esp in front of lo's)as seriously as they take physical violence.
It is not his home, technically, if his name is not on the lease. It is where he happens to be living, but he has no rights to it. If it's in your name then it's YOURS!!!!
Don't let him intimidate you.
How does he have access to drink ds's CHB and tax credits????

HI IDOC

I lurke mostly but I felt compelled to reply to you. Well done for telling him that he has to leave by next weekend. I really think you should cancel the cash card that he has to your bank account, phone the bank and say it is lost, They will send you a new one.

You are right, neither you nor your son should be there next weekend even though it is your flat. Do you think your Dad would flat sit for you and you could go with your ds to your dads? Book for a locksmith to change the locks on Monday morning. I know that must feel and sound really harsh but it is the best option.

He does not sound like he is going to go without a fight and you should not be being treated like this. Keep a record of everything you say/he says from know on. You never know when you might need it. You sound like you are pretty realistic about how things are between you, I hope you stay strong as it could become even more difficult for you over this week. Do not give in, you kow what you want. He has no right to stay at your flat, he has no right to access to your and your ds money.

Thanks for replying I really need the support and advice.

It is my flat the mortgage is in my name.

He is supposed to contribute £500 each month towards bills, nursery etc but has to be asked EVERY MONTH. I foolishly set up a joint account for us when DS was born. He had promised to get himself sorted out with a bank account and the plan was that we would each transfer £500 a month into this joint account and that all of the bills, food, stuff for DS would come out of this account. All that is paid into the account now is tax credits and child benefit as all of the household stuff still comes off my account.

Almost two years later he still does not have a current account (despite constant pleading) and was rejected outright when he eventually applied for one. He gets paid in cash, spends it all then starts using the joint account money. I have mentioned to him countless times that the joint account is for essential spending not for switching in the pub and paying for porn on top up tv (yes really)

The more I write down the more I realise that the situation is so ridiculous. He really thinks I am being unreasonable about it!

Ring tax credits NOW and get the money going into YOUR account, do it NOW. Then have your child benefit transferred to your account the same way.

I know it becomes automatic to consider him in your decisions, but you have to stop.

I almost guarantee there will be a 'scene' come the day he has to leave, because he won't quite believe you want him to leave. My suggestion to you would be to ask several adults that you know to come round first thing on that day - preferably burly ones, but any adults will do really - men like this depend on other people seeing them as nice guys.

If he threatens you, physically or verbally, don't hesitate to call the police. They will remove him from the premises for you, and at the very least warn him that if you call them about his behavior again, they will arrest him.

In fact, tell the Tax Credit people he no longer lives at your address, then make that true.