Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

I've finally got through to my partner that I want to split up - any advice?

57 replies

IdreamofClooney · 21/03/2007 10:03

Hello Everyone

I am feeling very shaky today as last night I finally got the message through to my partner that our relationship was over. It took over four hours and I eventually had to be very blunt with him as he was not accepting the "please will you move out" line I have used for months.

We have not been getting on well at all for a long time and a few months ago I realised that this is my one chance at life and I needed to sort myself out. There are a lot of different issues involved but the main ones are that he is completely financially inept - no bank account therefore no joint mortgage, he never gets up in the morning without me begging him, he drinks too much comes home drunk and leaves pans on the stove etc etc.

Anyway I have been calm and reasonable and asked him to move out several times and he refuses so last night I told him that our relationship was over and that I would not change my mind. He kept saying he could not believe I was giving up so easily (!) and that I was selfish etc. I told him that I was sorry as it was the last thing I wanted but that I had lost respect for him and that he was not the person I wanted to be with.

He now calling me all the names under the sun and saying that I am a bad mother as jeaparising DS's future etc.

Sorry this is so long! Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I want it to be reasonably amicable - is that possible? THe bottom line is that he is DS's dad and I want him and DS to have a good relationship, regardless of the fact that I can no longer live with him.

OP posts:
Harra · 23/03/2007 17:02

I reread a lot of stuff and put up with unreasonable behaviour - looking back I feel such an idiot but when you are in the thick of it, it is diffucult to see. Reading what has happened in the cold light of day does really make you realise what is going on, as obviously your xp has/had some good qualities, that's why you were with them and they show the nice bits sometimes and that makes you think - oh maybe it will be alright - listen to your heart of hearts, all the advice on here and your friends and family. You are not being unreasonable.

Twinkie1 · 23/03/2007 17:06

Do not move out of the flat you will never get him out then.

BandofMothers · 24/03/2007 09:17

Good advice, get some people to come around, if he makes a scene, which is less likely, he at least wont be able to hurt you. Let someone have ds tho. He doesn't need to see it.
Also make an app with a locksmith for noon of that day, when he will be leaving. Don't trust that he will give you back the key, or that he will not have made a copy.
Protect yourself and your ds.
He has no rights to your property, and your flat. You can prove that he takes money out the joint acc as each card has a dif no on your statement.
It's all in your favour, you just have to be brave.

glitterfairy · 24/03/2007 09:30

Change the locks bag up his stuff and tell him that is it at the date you set ie next weekend. I wouldnt put up with him saying he will stay and you cant make him leave. You can.

Your lo will not remember honestly.

THen clean your flat and enjoy making your new life in peace.

Harra · 26/03/2007 11:18

How are things going IDOC??

Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 26/03/2007 13:28

Thanks for all of the advice

I am fine, had a horrible few days as he basically went into denial and was being a total idiot but he seems to have seen the light now (fingers crossed)

He does seem to have realised that I am not kidding and that he does need to move out. He has agreed to move out as soon as he can find somewhere. I am not thrilled as would like him out NOW but as he is agreeing to be reasonable (eg accepting that he will need to pay back all of the money he took out of joint account and that he needs to stop drinking so much) I am willing to give him the chance.

I've made it clear that if he does not move out I will have to change the locks and that I do not want to do that.

I feel much better now that he is starting to see sense, althouhg I am sure things will get worse before they get better. Thanks for all of your posts as they have really helped me.

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 26/03/2007 19:18

Good for you, but still give him a dead line. He may think if he agrees then you will let things slide and end up muddling along as usual!!! He may not be thinking that, but don't be fooled, he may be!!!!

You sound very strong, and I'm happy for you!!

ClariceB · 29/03/2007 18:11

IdreamofClooney
Sorry to hear about all of this.

I don't think he will get custody. However, be very careful about changing the locks - he may have some rights to remain in the house (forgotten the legal term for this!) despite not being on the deeds. I would look into this.

Hope things improve for you.

Rosasmum · 31/03/2007 21:17

Hi IDOC

I hope ths weekend goes well for you, that he moves out without a hitch and that you can move on with your life.

Debra1981 · 02/04/2007 12:27

I think if he is being abusive then he has no right to stay and should be removed if he doesnt leave. let him tell the local council he is homeless, they have an obligation to house him at least temporarily. i found that horrible, lying alcoholic behaviour so difficult in a 3-bed house that i left him to it- must be hell for you in that little flat nowhere to escape. but i agree you should not leave if you alone are carrying the mortgage. im sorry i have no respect for men (includin my ex) who think its ok to take money that their lo's need. his behaviour makes it more difficult to look after lo, so best he leaves. give a reasonable deadline and stick to it! dont let him make you feel guilty about putting lo before him!

BandofMothers · 11/04/2007 11:10

Clooney, keep checking this thread.
Any news yet?????

Are you and ds ok????

Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 12/04/2007 16:34

Hi Band of mothers - thank you for thinking of me am so touched!

I am fine - ex still with me unfortunately. He's been behaving slightly better and has been told and has seemed to accpet that he HAS TO move out by the 21st.

I think I am being beyond generous given his behaviour and how I feel at the moment but I really really want him to be involved with DS and I feel that if I antaginise him in any way he will either bugger off and refuse to help or will try to get DS himself which I could not bear as DS is what keeps me going at the mo.

OP posts:
shimmy21 · 12/04/2007 16:50

Hi Clooney -lurking on your thread here. I know you've been supporting dp throughout and he really has no rights at all but just wondering about a couple of things. First - have you put his 'notice to leave' in writing? Just thought it mught provide a bit of legal evidence if he does make problems down the line.
Second - have you thought about finding him a room or flat somewhere and paying the first month's rent as a loan? You may not see the money ever again but it sounds like it might be worth it just to get him out.

Good luck - you sound strong and fair. Your ds is a lucky boy to have you

Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 12/04/2007 17:00

I haven't actually put it is writing but that is a v g idea. He has had a whole month to find somewhere and is no closer as is being very fussy about where he lives. HE actually has £1000 to pay rent and a deposit (so he says and as he hasn;t given me any money for two months he certainly should have cash!)

Even if he hasn;t found the flat of his dreams by next week he will still have to move out - I've boxed up all of his things including his x box so it is very clear I mean business!

Will let you know when I am finally Freeeeee

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 12/04/2007 23:05

Wow, so glad you're staying strong, and well done with packing his things.
Don't mean to sound patronising here, but fucking good for you.

If he's going to f off then he will no matter what you do/say. My dad did and he adored my older brother. But your ds has a great mummy who loves him and is on hte road to providing him with a nicer living environment.
The relief you will feel when he goes is going to be fantastic. But do still change the locks. Wouldn't trust him not to try to get revenge or something. Nothing horrible, but perhaps soemthing stupid and immature.

Will keep watching esp on the 21st

flightattendant · 16/04/2007 18:06

I don't know if there is some kind of women's refuge in your area or support org. type thing? I've recently been in touch with the refuge here who run a lot of groups etc. and also provide free legal advice, support etc. even though I'm living away from my ex.
I think it would be really good if you got some people like that involved so you knew you had 'witnesses' and some people on your side, as they keep a recore of everything and can put it all into context fro you as they've seen it all before.
Might make you feel stronger - try googling 'refuge' and your local town name, see what comes up. (refuge helpline never answers IME so ring a local branch).
The best thing is they make you realise you're not wrong and this man doesn't deserve to be given any more chances. they can put any threats he makes into perspective as well.
Good luck hun xx

flightattendant · 16/04/2007 18:09

Forgot to say, my local refuge people also said they can arrange everything to back me up - like arranging for the police to have my number, so that if I call I get straight through/ someone just comes to my house, automatically - even in the middle of the night. this was really comforting to know.
You don't want to be unable to sleep etc. worrying about scenes and so on, it's not worth the stress...don't hang about and if anything remotely scares you, call the police and get it noted down even if you ask them not to attend - I did this once last year with my ex, and they still have a record of it, in case of any problems later.

BandofMothers · 18/04/2007 19:48

3 days til your deadline isn't it Clooney????

Does he have a place yet????

And is that a stooopid question???

BandofMothers · 23/04/2007 08:13

Did your deadline pass Clooney?????

Is he gone?????

Are you ok??????

Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 23/04/2007 10:28

Hi

He's FINALLY gone. At the eleventh hour his boss offered him a house to rent (totally dodgy if you ask me - pays rent in cash, no lease, not on council tax bill etc but not my problem!)

He left yesterday afternoon - DS and I stayed out till he was gone.

Was dreading this morning as DS normally leaps out of bed shouting "daddy daddy" but this morning he happily wandered round the flat playing with his toys with no mention of Daddy at all.

I feel v weird but it can only get better. I've the estate agent coming tomrrow to measure up and take photos for the sales particulars so hopefully the flat will sell quickly and DS and I will be able to move into a nice little house soon

OP posts:
hoolagirl · 23/04/2007 11:22

Excellent news and well done

Rosasmum · 23/04/2007 21:22

Hi IDOC

Congratulations on getting him out of your house, I guess you have to thank his boss cos it sounds like he hadn't sorted anything out. Cash deal etc is totally dodgy but you are right, it is not your problem, Now you have to tell yourself that he is no longer your problem and get on with your life. Don't let him get to you like you described before. Live your life as you want it lived and let him realsie that you are the boss.

It sounds like your DS was fine this morning, if your ex is not there then there is no reason for your DS to say Daddy Daddy etc.

I hope that the future is calm and that he behaves respectfully to you but I fear that he could try to cause trouble for you. Don't let him get to you. You are so much better than that. If he tries to cause problems for you, keep yourself calm, in control and remember that you don't have to agree to anything you are not happy with and you don't have to make an immediate decision.

Good luck with the house move, have you found anywhere already? When I got my house, I kept going up and down the stairs looking at all the rooms, I couldn't believe how much space I had to myself!

George x

BandofMothers · 26/04/2007 10:03

Ooh Clooney, well done.

will be lovely when you have your own little house.
Am so pleased it all went off nicely. Is he being ok about it or is he being a dick???

Soo glad ds is ok. They adapt quickly, he'll be fine

maltesers · 26/04/2007 22:37

Havnt read all this thread but ny advice is make sure you get your maintenance payments and make sure he has the kids regularly so you can have a break and go out and enjoy yourself. best wishes and lots of luck !

BandofMothers · 05/05/2007 17:01

Shameless BUMP incase Clooney is about.[nosy]