Pain of sharing my childrens time with my STBXH and his mistress

[Fabulousdahlink]

Hubby of 22 years left 11 weeks ago out of the blue with a mutual friend. Couple of weeks to go before my children go to stay for the weekend for the first time.
Yesterday my children had their first day out with them'as a couple'.
Thought I was doing OK.Getting on with life, divorce petition in, done with cring and angry stage. Generally calm, looking forwards to happier times.
Advice needed how to cope with the powerful tsunami of emotions I had yesterday. I feel so angry and conflicted- the mother in me wants to ensure the visits go well- whilst emotionally I cant bear the thought of handing them over to the dad who walked out on them and his mistress.
I'm worried about what they will say to my children about me-whan my teen and tween will accept as truth from the pair of them..struggling with my childrens capacity for loyalty to the STBXH when it isnt deserved and angry at it all being so bloody OK for the woman who destroyed my marriage to jave a lovely relationship with my children in order for it tobe a positive experience for my two.

I have seperated my feelings for STBXH and her, from the feelings for their dad and their need to see him.
Will it always hurt this much? Should I be open and explain to my children how I feel?

What is it? Stbxh has everything he wants..the woman,the security, the love, the childcare free responsibility ( except when it suits him) yet they are still manipulating the children and trying to mess up whats happening here

Guilt is a very, very powerful emotion. Chances are, having got what they want, it doesn't feel anywhere as near as wonderful as they expected it to. The reality is divorce is tough emotionally and very expensive. He can't just walk away and not look back because of the children. She hates that. He hates that his children are struggling and it's his fault. He probably wonders continually whether it was worth it (it wasn't and he knows it) but knows there's no going back.

I have been there. It sucks big time. It does get easier but you do have to go through it to get there.

I don't understand why she needs to contact you at all-surely all arrangements should be done with your ex?

MrsKeats... I had originally rather naively hoped that our 22 year friendship would mean we could keep civil and she as a future step mother to my kids could maybe compensate for Ex's many shortcomings.
When he did leave to live with her it soon became apparent that she has beleived all his half truths and sees herself as some heroine of the piece, rescuing her poor unhappy long term obsession away to a happier life with her. It did not take long for the sarcasm to kick in and downright hurtful stuff to appear ( an ex friend knows all your weak points huh!)
I realised quickly that keeping emailing contacts or keeping her on social media was pointless and very toxic...so he and she were duly blocked. I only keep x's phone for emergencies. I had her phone number but.never used it...and hadnt blocked her on messenger..had overlooked that.
So I guess messing about with contavts and getting the cat and sending messenger texts are her only final way of causing more trouble. She's mistaken. Every contact from her makes me stonger and more resolute. Yes, it doors hurt and angers me that they/she are now using the children to make trouble...but each battle just makes me stronger..once I get over their increasingly low behaviour. She now can only telephone me, and I have call screening. No more power games, no more malevolent whispetings and no more control!!

Well she sounds a piece of work
It's up to your ex to speak to you directly and she should keep her beak out.
I don't speak to my dhs ex wife about their kids as it's up to them to sort stuff.
Call screenings was a great idea

I really thought being open and gracious was the way forward...but mnetters wisdom and my short experience has proved that no contact is better 😀

Ohamireally. You really have hit the nail on the head...I truely DO want to turn and gaze at the sun..I truely do.I am going to do my very best to over the next 6 weeks.
I am struggling with this spiritually too- turning the other cheek and desiring vengeance are big personal challenges in my religion...I have had huge support from my community and comfort from my personal beliefs during this time...and my uglier human emotions will be forgiven because I genuinely want to be free of them.
Please dont post and decry my faith...it has kept me going through very very bad times and does still...and so have my friends family and you lovely mnetters.

Fab - we all have our coping mechanisms and when the shit hits the fan - if it works for you no one can knock it.

For a week, mine was the Gospel according to Gordons - felt so bad at the end of week, I stopped drinking completely and found my backbone and marched forward - not looked back ( well not much!)

Wobbles have happened and will and my fab friends and some new ones I made along the way have helped me survive. It is hard, lonely and exhausting but my DCs are worth it.

You will find strengths and skills you never knew you had, abilities that amaze you but you will still hurt, wonder WTF you did to deserve this and ask whatever God you worship to give you a goddamn break - because sometimes it feels like you reel from one blow to another and you can not take anymore - but you do!

Chin up, smile and keep going -you are doing great!

How are you doing Fab? Thinking about you and hoping the reduction in contact with your ex is helping.

Hey Fab thanks for posting as your experiences and words have really helped me. Brilliant advice from pp as well.
My idiot stbxh is behaving so badly I am struggling. There was an ow but - conveniently - he insists he's not seeing her now. So as far as the DC can see he's lonely. He's also refusing to move out. I insisted on having a date and he's agreed to move out on 1 December.
The thought of continuing this facade of being civil for the DC is awful. We were married for 21 years and i had no idea about his affair. Typical story - he insists it's all my fault. Apparently we had no relationship. I can assure you we did! All my friends and family are stunned and when we gathered our children together to tell them about the divorce, two of them thought we were going to tell them we were having another baby!
So here's what i particularly want your thoughts on (and wise PP), how do I cope with the children accepting his story, perhaps even feeling sorry for him? Being willing to go out with him? He sprinkles money and treats on them. They're 19, 17, 13 and 8. He told the younger two he'd like to get a dog. It's so manipulative. But like you said earlier, I know we need them to have a relationship with their dad. And as he's claiming not to be seeing the OW they don't have that factor to consider.
Will they see through his lies? Will they ever understand how wronged I have been? Do I need them to think I've been wronged? People on MN often say the DC will see the truth of a situation but right now (just a month or so of them knowing what's going on) it doesn't feel like that and I feel rejected by them as well as by him.
I am sure they love me, but none of us talk about what's going on and I feel like I can't talk to them about how they feel as they don't want to tell me. And they definitely don't talk to him at all as he hates talking about feelings.

Oh my, Start, I completely understand.
Although 17 weeks or so on, and it's clear that this struggle is ongoing for me, I have through mnetters and experience learnt the following.

It helps to seperate your experiences and emotions about events from what your children might feel. My anger and pain of betrayal are mine...their experience will be different. My children lived with a not very nice man and mum made it tolerable...then the mean man left. Now that same man takes them out for dinner once a week and smiles a lot. Apparently he still doesnt listen to them, but he does buy them stuff and give them pocket money- so for them...this is an improvement.
I also know from the job I do that all children are hard wired to care about their parents..no matter what. This is why children spend their lives searching for biological parents who leave them and abused children still want contact with abusive or neglectful or incompetant parents.

My children have friends whose parents are divorced and so for them, the word divorce it's not a big deal..it's just a word. Nor do they have the experience of relationship love and the pain of the end of such a relationship. They care because they see my struggle and they love me- but they cant empathise because of their lack of life experience.

I know you dont want to hear this..but they do know how wronged you have been. They will'get' your struggle. But it takes weeks and months and the rollercoaster of emotions and crap ahead are huge...and totally normal. I have many more calm days now than before. I posted originally because I was overwhelmed with anger and pain because I felt betrayed by my children when they went to him willingly..this dreadful person who had done the worst most painful thing to me..how could they? How could they want to? Why didnt they hate him for what he had done? How could they? They clearly loved him as much as me..and that wasnt fair.
I am beginning to understand those feelings better now ( they still rear up now and again.)
I know my children love me. They know I am by their side always- and they always make a fuss of me when they come back. We make time for chats tho- just a few mins on the end of the bed " you ok with all of this?" and I do share my (edited) feelings with them. Seeing me rant doesnt help. Seeing me talk about things helps them.
Like the cat thing. I was apoplectic with rage..incandescent over stbxh and cows plans to buy a pet for their home my child is really terrified of. I understand it is thoughtless- or deliberate- act which will causes anxiety and distress in my child which they will not deal with and for which I will pick up the emotional pieces for. But...my measured response was a dialled down version.
I told my son I told him he must not keep the secret..secrets are toxic and it was wrong of his dad to involve him in that way. I offered to help him tell his sister. When dd finds out she will want me to explain why daddy is doing this mean thing ( as all their lives I made excuses for his behaviour so she would e pect me to do this) I shall tell her I dont understand why he would do it, and she must ask him to explain his decision as I dont understand it either and reassure her I would not do a thing like that and that I love her very much.
It still makes me irate when stbxh and cow do stuff which they plainly dont understand pushes my children away ( the list is long and crimes many..but they all focus around them not putting my children first in their plans when they are there..my children fit around their weekend plans even when it is my stbxh contact time the pair of them still dont make special plans for that special time with my children...nope they are so wrapped up in each other. There isnt time to think about my childrens wants and needs or how they behaviour is viewed by my kids or how it affects them)
When I tried to explain this to them ( mistake..dont try) I was accused of being melodamatic and'not moving on' and " we're not the moors murderers you know"( yes that was a real text from cow)

My kids are savvy. They know dad has done a cruel thing to the mum they adore. They do need to see him..and the crap he pulls is pushing them away from him and towards me. Because I no longer explain away his actions, they will question his decisions. They will see him. They will adjust their opinion of him accordingly. Yes they will want to think well of him..maybe even try to rationalise his behaviour ( after all I taught them that...sadly).
I try to couch my comments about him by framing them in calmer expressions about my feelings so they can model that...so " I am feeling very sad and angry that your dad........because.I love you so much"
Ok so yes there have been times when they have seen my fierce anger or weeping dispair. I think they need a little of that tho..otherwise how do they know its ok to let the feelings out..because those feelings will build up in them over stuff..and it's good to let it out with someone who you love and trust and wont judge. Be prepared for that to be someone else tho..your older children may prefer to burdon someone else with it as they see you have enough on your plate..it isnt a betrayal..it is their way of support.
Be prepared for the physical manifestations of their pain..headaches bellyaches not wanting to go to school, indecision, changes in mood, sulkiness moodiness...and you will bear the brunt of it because they love you and feel safe with you. It might feel like they are punishing you and not him..but they are just venting in their own way. Good luck Start..and dm me as much as you want. I've no answers..still on the rollercoster myself...just a few cars ahead of you. But if I learn something that helps me..I will willingly share it with you. Best thing I did was start this thread..the kindness of strangers and the safe space to vent is invaluable. Please do keep in touch.

I have just re read your post Start and can see you are in the horrific situation of him still lodging with you and your children. Are you able to speak to them about your plans for his departure in December? I've no experience of this...thankfully my stbxh moved out. There will be others on mn who might have experience of it that could help more.
In our house we have Sunday night planning- to sort out the week ahead. It is here I mention upcoming events to prepare the kids. " So. Next weds you are going to.... And I have an appointment with the solicitor.to talk about pensions" ..(puts time in the week to.undertand what we are all doing and discuss it..and frame emotions too)...so I will be a bit worried on Weds." or " Your dad WAS coming to see you on.......but he isnt now. I am sorry that has happened to you. I love you"

Perhaps making a space like this now will help.you prepare your kids for his departure " Your dad is looking at flats this weekend for when he moves out in December" " on Sat we will box up your dads stuff to put into storage/ garage for when he moves out" " On. The 14th dad is moving the spare bed to grannies for when he moves out". Be matter of fact. They will grieve his moving out if they dont know. In addition..doing this ensures there is no room for him to change his mind or stay on longer.. You are all anticipating it being a fact..a future action..like christmas or birthdays or the return to school after the holidays. If you are resolute and calm about this happening..there can be no game playing or emotional games " your mum is throwing me out" " I dont want to go because I will miss you all"
We did get boxes and together packed his stuff and gave it back to him. We reminisced over certain items as we packed and it was a bittersweet experience, but useful and cathartic..we moved him out of our home bit by bit. We three were in charge..we didn't wait for him to take things away from us passively. It took a few weeks and we did it whilst I felt stronger.I didnt slag him off whilst doing it..even tho I Really wanted to!
I did let school know what was happening and if there had been a big upset or anticipated a difficult event in the week ahaead. The school have been amazing and kept in contact about behaviour and offered counselling for dcs etc.
Keep posting Star- and think about starting a thread of your own..it is a great safe place and empowering experience.

Ohamireally thankyou for posting. I am in a positive frame of mind today. Seeing the counsellor and raking everything over again made me realise that I could not have tried any harder and that the struggle that being married brought me in particular is over. I can just focus on me and the kids. Stuff I actually have some positive impact over. I know there will be trouble ahead( there's a song in there somewhere) but I can deal with it. I have friends, family,faith , mumsnet and access to counselling for all of us. The future isnt all rosy..but we are are prepared as we can be for the things we encounter.
What's the betting I'm back on here later with another furious venting? ..highly likely ! ( I am smiling as I type this) but that's ok. Today we are ok. And that is todays gift. Thankyou for reaching out. I am truely grateful for your support.

Yup. Just had a phone call saying he isnt coming to see dd before she goes to Switzerland for 12 days with the Guides. ( yes this is a big deal for her) But he has texted ds to wish him well for his camping trip.
What a foolish and inconsiderate father he is. We are so lucky to have marginalised him in our lives. Arghhhhhhh!

I have a similar story. My ex left me 7 months pregnant with our second son 2 years ago. He insisted there wasn't anyone else like many do and surprise surprise he ended up with the woman I was suspicious about. Within 6 months she was pregnant and they now live happily very near to me. My ex sees our children regularly and they are happy with the set up.

My ex acts like he's loathes me to which I'll never understand. When he left it was all about him not being happy etc to which all came out the blue, as after all we were just about to have our very much wanted and long awaited second child. In hindsight he was prob bored of our lives and thought the grass was greener with a single woman with no responsibilities. He tried sewing the seeds to come back shortly after but for me everything had been ruined and I'll never forget him saying he was no longer actracted to me whilst I was just about to give birth. What kind of man does that?

I will never accept the ow and what she played a part in. I dislike her immensely in every possible way. I've noticed she seems to be copying me in many things and the similarities seem to be too common not to notice. People have said it's her insecurities coming through. After what she did how can she not be insecure. I have grown in confidence in the last 2 years. I hold down a well paid, highly responsible job, I'm the fittest I've been in my life running 4 x week and we live in our lovely home. No of these things seemed achievable when I was left in such a vulnerable position 2 years ago. I am so proud of myself and my children and I think what ow wouldn't feel threatened by that!

So the message is these ow will never be happy and neither will the ex's. The grass is never greener and karma one day will get them both. I'll be on the outside looking in laughing 😀

Whoa!! Another email...this time saying he cant come to see dd because he's working from home Monday ( we are an hour and a half from love central and he works in IT and is fully contactable/mobile office) and then he's having a few days off....
Same man who told my children to their faces he couldnt possibly have them more during the time before the summer holidays as he didnt have any annual leave left until the 1st of August.More secrets and lies to keep from them....but stupid enough to put it in an email to me so I can use it in our mediation meeting when negotiating contact in a few days time.
He REALLY has forgotten quite who he is dealing with...
I am always so glad when a new post comes on..it really helps me to see things more clearly...then immensely sad that in order to hep me...it means you too have had the same emotional journey ahead of me. I am SO grateful for every kind and selfless woman who has set aside her own struggles to reach out to a stranger going through the same shitty journey.
I hope there will always be more sisterhood than betrayal. I know I would never,never do to another woman and children what has been done to us...not even for Tom Hardy to read a bedtime story to me every night...

I am going to have a lovely dinner now and relax. Even someone as deceitful and uncaring as stbxh cannot dent todays positive mood.

Thankyou Whoknows11

I have come to the conclusion that I gave 24 years of care love and support to a man who was incapable as a partner and a parent. I no longer have to give endlessly. cover up or explain away his actions. Everyone knew all along. Except me. But I know now I am free of that responsibility I chose to be part of..I chose it willingly and dutifully and I shudder to think how much more I would have given had he not left.
We are all responsible for our own actions. Now I have just my own and my gorgeous kids to care for..and despite everything...it IS easier than living with THAT...with no cruel comments, no cold dismissal and no pointless explosions of anger. Gone from our lives Poof! Just like that. Brilliant.
I am rebuilding my life and being the best damn mum I can be ( even if times I feel a bit rubbish). No lies, no secrets as well as no money and no certainty...but I'll take those odds...they are better than the alternative future of him staying would have been.
Bye bye STBXH. Hello happiness. Hello future.

Ohamireally....I have always been better with money than him. Better at keeping it , better at managing on next to nothing and with a huge support network around me.

Whether he has money or not ( he was out earning me when he ran up that horrific debt) it all flies through his fingers into nothing, he is much older than me ( by 7 years) and so retires in 10 years. He wont have anything put by then ( esp. when I have half his pension and he has half of my tiny pension) and she will be stuck caring with an OAP with no money ( he had no looks or charm to start with) she is younger than me. She has his awful moods and miserable temper to look forward to..his appalling dress sense and complete selfish ego centricity to deal with. He will be 74 before he gets his hands on my pension share.
THAT is karma.
Where will I be in 3, 5, 10 years? I dont know. But I will be happier.

I've just finished reading all the posts on this thread and it's good to see how you've become so much stronger since your first post. I really feel for you OP and can only say you're doing really well.
My own marriage breakup many years ago didn't involve anyone else but divorce is a horrible business whatever the cause. The thing that ignited the most rage in me was
ex-H's inability to stick to arrangements involving the 3DC. Long past that now of course but 35 years on he hasn't been in their lives for years. His loss.

Thanks 🌹

You write beautifully, OP and I am
struck by your sheer dignity, humility and fortitude.

Keep on keeping on. You are quite an inspiration and clearly going from strength to strength.

Llangennith.. Thankyou..friends often ask how I am and of late I've been saying.." I wish I was a year from now" - so that all these 'firsts' of hope and disappointment in the time so far since he left would be behind me. So I'd be more ok, more prepared for each dumb act he pulls and more ready as a parent to deal with each new cockwomble disaster they create. I wish my kids could be 12 months on..with 12 months of experience and wisdom to reflect on what worked for us, and things we could avoid again.
I suppose I'm now beginning to see the rest of the world outside the bubble and seeing good again. I'm accepting my part, and my strengths and weaknesses and trying to be kinder to myself and accept that some things can't be dealt with proactively..sometimes letting go..and picking up after someone else that creates the mess is less stressful emotionally..trying to micromanage everything isnt possible or healthy. Letting go is becomng easier.
It genuinely helps to hear from others that divorce stinks.and that the further away it gets the easier it is to cope...and that anger and sadness are totally ok and come in huge unexpected waves..thats so normal. Normal is something I crave now...even if it is the new version of normal!
My kids are great..and spending time with them is amazing and frustrating and joyful..it is my stbxh real tragedy that he chose to sideline such an incredible treasure, and let that glorious opportunity leach away. As you say, his loss.

Startoftheyear- travel slowly. Be kind to yourself. Post lots. I and all the other mnetters are here. I recommend them most highly! I wont say hope you are ok...because I know it's really rough right now. But you will do it,you can do it , and we are here when you need to vent.

Welshmoth.
I'm just a woman, lying on her bed, rambling on about stuff. At first re-reading my posts was a sort of self induced misery loop that fanned my emotional distress. It wasnt positive..but of late I have really begun to appreciate how far we've come and that I AM strong enough for what has passed and that, despite the emotional sturm und drang...We will come through this. And that possibly in a fortnights time I will be back raging and irate at some offence Stbxh and cow have committed!
This thread..this place... has been both support group and space to self reflect. Amazing that such an anonymous community could have such a poweful positive role in the darkest times borne from others own dark times.
Sleep and the summer holidays ahead clearly a defining positive too.. and now off to do some theraputic gardening..some weed pulling and dead heading with sharp secateurs I think!

She is your childrens father, so don't communicate with her , send her one email that just says "cease and desist, any further communication will be classed as Harrassment ."
Then put I will only communicate with my husband ( as he still is) regarding issues about the children .

It does get better , I have no issues now with the mistress at the end of the day she was single my ex husband wasn't.