Pain of sharing my childrens time with my STBXH and his mistress

[Fabulousdahlink]

Hubby of 22 years left 11 weeks ago out of the blue with a mutual friend. Couple of weeks to go before my children go to stay for the weekend for the first time.
Yesterday my children had their first day out with them'as a couple'.
Thought I was doing OK.Getting on with life, divorce petition in, done with cring and angry stage. Generally calm, looking forwards to happier times.
Advice needed how to cope with the powerful tsunami of emotions I had yesterday. I feel so angry and conflicted- the mother in me wants to ensure the visits go well- whilst emotionally I cant bear the thought of handing them over to the dad who walked out on them and his mistress.
I'm worried about what they will say to my children about me-whan my teen and tween will accept as truth from the pair of them..struggling with my childrens capacity for loyalty to the STBXH when it isnt deserved and angry at it all being so bloody OK for the woman who destroyed my marriage to jave a lovely relationship with my children in order for it tobe a positive experience for my two.

I have seperated my feelings for STBXH and her, from the feelings for their dad and their need to see him.
Will it always hurt this much? Should I be open and explain to my children how I feel?

[HowamIgoingtocope]

that's meant to say isn't , bloody fat fingers

[Fabulousdahlink]

Thanks HowamIgoingtocope.

I am not giving either of them headspace anymore. The three of us are more important than them.

[Fabulousdahlink]

Ok. Getting stressy about our joint mediation session this week. Have not been in the same room as him since he left.
I am well prepated and ready but something is unsettling me about it. Not sure if he's going to put some surprise crap...or if it is just that I dont really want to be in the same space as him. I am truely emotionally done with him. I'm afraid of his manipulative behaviour and that I will make an expensive mistske because of it. Any advice from those who have done joint mediation please?

[ProphetOfDoom]

We'll firstly you don't have to mediate in the same room. You can mediate separately and the mediator shuttle between you.

Normally the first mediation is an info gathering session putting forward your needs and wants. There's usually 2-3 sessions. But in between you can see your solicitor to update/get advice if you feel that would be advantageous.

I only did one mediation session with my exH though - he has a crim record for harassment - and I found being in the same room as him highly stressful. Hopefully others can give a more positive story.

[Fabulousdahlink]

We both did our first mediations seperately so the Mediator got to know both of us seperately. I sat on the same side of the table as him which seemed to make him uncomfortable and also meant I did not have to look at him. We always only planned to have 1 session. At £480 a time we can argue about stuff with each other for free! We did get finance sorted ( I think) and we had struggled to be civil in previous conversations so having a skilled mediator who is also a lawyer made a big difference.
Fingers crossed this is the key to the fast end to our legal marriage. Bring it on!!

[UnicornsRock]

Hi Fab

Just been reading your post, and wanted to say how well I think you have been doing.

Sorry that your stbxh has been such an idiot. Must say that I am somewhat stunned about the cat thing. I don't know how they think it would be a good idea given your dd's dislike of cats.

My stbxh also had an affair and I've found it an incredibly difficult experience. You seem to be doing really well though. I'm so sorry it was also your "best friend", that must have been incredibly hard. I think you have been very strong and restrained given their behaviour. I would have been livid with the "we are not as bad as the Moor's Murderers" comment, as if that somehow excuses their atrocious behaviour!

Hope you and your kids are doing ok. I think you are doing brilliantly.

[Fabulousdahlink]

Thankyou. I have had incredible, timely wise advice from people treading the path before me. I'm not holding on to the past or the pain..I choose to be free of those things that can hurt me now!

[Fabulousdahlink]

He's still at it...telling lies and leaving stuff off his financial statement to the mediator.
He's either stupid ( quite possible) or forgotten who he's dealing with ( also quite likely).
It will now delay the speedy divorce we both want and cost him more money to put it right.
If only he had been honest and open about things....ohhh yes. Forgot that's not a strength in his skill set..#lol#nolongermyproblem...

[Fabulousdahlink]

Thanks UnicornsRock for your kind words. I've been furious, indignant and miserable. Now I am happier and ready for a new brighter future where I am free of emotional and finantial ties to an unsuitable and unfaithful partner. We are doing pretty well here- we are, for the most part happy and closer.to.each other than ever.
I truely didnt believe I could feel like this 5 months ago, but with good friends, good counselling and a good lawyer..it is possible to walk away from the situation happy. Poor...but happy. Truely happy.