Pain of sharing my childrens time with my STBXH and his mistress

[Fabulousdahlink]

Hubby of 22 years left 11 weeks ago out of the blue with a mutual friend. Couple of weeks to go before my children go to stay for the weekend for the first time.
Yesterday my children had their first day out with them'as a couple'.
Thought I was doing OK.Getting on with life, divorce petition in, done with cring and angry stage. Generally calm, looking forwards to happier times.
Advice needed how to cope with the powerful tsunami of emotions I had yesterday. I feel so angry and conflicted- the mother in me wants to ensure the visits go well- whilst emotionally I cant bear the thought of handing them over to the dad who walked out on them and his mistress.
I'm worried about what they will say to my children about me-whan my teen and tween will accept as truth from the pair of them..struggling with my childrens capacity for loyalty to the STBXH when it isnt deserved and angry at it all being so bloody OK for the woman who destroyed my marriage to jave a lovely relationship with my children in order for it tobe a positive experience for my two.

I have seperated my feelings for STBXH and her, from the feelings for their dad and their need to see him.
Will it always hurt this much? Should I be open and explain to my children how I feel?

Trickycat, rizlet and sleepfreezone- thankyou. I have blocked her from messenger so I will not see her communications. I am tired and angry and trying to think straight. I have the number for the counselling service through work. Will ring them.
I do not probe the kids about the weekends- other than a casual " hope you had a good time...and are you needing feeding" on their return. Have told them to be polite and it's ok..not a contest they can go there and enjoy it without that being a betrayal. Have even organised Scouting up in Halifax for them to help them settle and make friends up there. I AM calm and reasonable and moving on...I just cant get past her, emotionally. I dont want him. I'm glad he has gone. I am happier than I have been in years..and people tell me I am'back to the oldself" I was years ago. I'm getting used to the'new normal'...but why cant I get past her, emotionally? Perhaps a cup of tea will help.Sigh. I know anger is a self destructive emotion. Advice for dealing with it appreciated.

It is hard fab. But you are doing it. You are doing it.

Even though you get overwhelmed at times you are still getting on with it. Remember it's normal to have these surging feelings of anger and pain. It's ok to feel like this. All feelings are temporary.

Every time you feel something overwhelmingly strong - just say to yourself - i feel x and that's ok. You don't have to do anything about the feeling. Just accept it. Keep on accepting.

Get as much support for you as you can because you are doing an amazing job supporting your dc.

Thanks Rizlett...you are right.

Trickycat- counselling is booked and about to happen.

I know just how you feel. I'm in a similar position although a few years down the line.

Whenever i talk about it on here, the main advice that i get is to detach from the ex and his, er, new partner (trying to be charitable to her and not use the words i really want to) but that doesnt mean denying your feelings - theyre real and they count and you're entitled to them. When the dcs are away with them, try to do something for you - use the time to do whatever you need to rebuild your self confidence and feel good about yourself. Their relationship with your dcs doesnt have to impact yours.

So thats the advice, I know it's easy to dish out but much harder to accept. Wishing you strength

Thankyou User1487175389 I am doing busy stuff on the weekends the ds and dd are away and making life about me again...Fabulousdahlink and not just being on mum duty 24/7. Finding it a real revelation to have free time to do what I want! I am mostly ok about most divorcy/contacty/financy things now...it is just how ridiculously unreasonable they make me feel...I am a chronically kind nice helpful and forgiving person..but....oh how I feel so fiercely about dumb stuff like why the hell should I want her birthday wishes? Being chronically lovely I tried so hard in the early departure days..I met with her..with them both..I was civil and reasonable...then they got cocky and unkind and sarcastic...I had to block contact with them for my own mental health. Since then , and yes, I was even kind and thoughtful in the way I told her I no longer needed to be in touch with her- I was VERY clear I did not want her in my life at all. I didn't even put her name on the divorce petition so she was legally excluded from that part of life too.
I know too that as my former friend of 20 plus years she thinks she is'reaching out' with a 'conciliatory gesture'. How fxvfdcking generous of her after she split up my marriage, drove my son into a mental health episode needing hospitalisation....how very kind of her to take the time to reach out to me.How patronising it feels.The gesture is meaningless and empty. She does it because she can tell her friends " well I tried to reach out...but Fab is just so unreasonable...she's just not trying to move on here like me the Queen of nice and rescuer of husbands in sad marriages". Well, guess what. I have moved on. I dont like her for the trauma she caused, and the expense and the upheaval. I choose to move on, and I choose not to to want to have her crap in my head, just like I dont want him anywhere near my life thankyou very much. But what do I do NOW with the ire she provokes in me NOW? The house is clean, the log pile is full and the garage archived.I just want that feeling to stop. I've acknowledged it. I've vented it...but it is a nasty cancer I want expunged. When will I feel less hatred for her and her actions ?..I want to it stop. I know it is corrosive. I keep trying to let it go away...but more just fills the space it leaves? How long before this stops? Hopefully the counselling will help me with it. But thankyou for listening...without the kindness of MNers and the hive wisdom I wouldnt be as far on as I am now..which clearly isnt as far on as I'd like to be...

Here's a weird thing Fab - I sometimes wonder if people who 'steal' others' partners/husbands/wives actually have a deep envy of the person they steal from and it's not so much about the person they stole. [I'm not suggesting they are totally the guilty party.]

So it is that sometimes they want the life that they see and then believe they can get if they take the husband/wife/partner?

I've also noticed they are often attracted to drama [no one voluntarily gets into that type of situation if they're not.] and as you mention they want you to be the one who looks like they are creating the histrionics when actually they are doing all they can to trigger any upset. When you fail to 'deliver' the crisis they feed off they then have to look for other ways - until they get bored and move on.

You being very emotionally mature is not what they want at all. You being nice to them is even worse because then they have to face up to their own poor behaviour.

Even if we are a nice person and even if we are authentic to our true self - being nice in this situation is really hard to do - because we hate what ow has done. We hate what she had done to us. How dare she do this to me?

Here is where the difficulty is - instead of thinking ow is dishonest and has no integrity and therefore doesn't warrant any of our time or thoughts we instead decide to hate her. This is exhausting and a waste of energy as we focus again and again and again on our hate, hurt and distress.

It's ok to hate her but if we instead just keep letting go of that feeling -which is a good practice for all future negative feelings - in all future circumstances - we slowly become stronger and less afraid and less able to be hurt - by anything life throws at us.

Everything we struggle with is just a feeling - which in turn is just a thought and a thought can be changed in a flash.

If you'd like to learn more about stopping feelings controlling us an easy book to start with is From Stress To Stillness by Gina Lake. It's a lifechanger.

Just another, not so important thought, she might actually be missing your friendship.

Though, of course, she lost her right to that when she started being dishonest.

Thankyou Rizlett I have ordered the kindle version for less than £4!
I do want to be free of these emotions she stirs in me but I AM better...a few weeks ago I did response to one of her emotion traps...willingly putting myself in the line of fire...and got burnt. I havent since..so not responding this time IS progress.
It is so exhausting..I just want to fast forward to pitying her and being legally and emotionally free of him.
How can I still feel bad about not letting him change his contact date in the summer holidays so they can go to a wedding together
...after all the pain and upheaval and chaos his departure caused...when the dates for contact have been set for months and it is the only week in a whole year he will have his kids...yet he still wants to sideline them to do stuff with her...why?
I must like torturing myself...

Fab - you are me 4.5 yrs ago!
Your story - mirrors mine so closely, except DCS were younger.

Fuck everyone you do it for your kids, you do but it does not mean it is easy, fun, pleasant, likeable or anything else..It sucks the cock of effing death every day you do it. MY DCS were much younger and not once did I slag her or him off.

You are doing so well. Like you the OW, was ex best friend, who used her knowledge of me, to manipulate situations and cause immense private grief.

The argument that it is he who betrayed you and not her - pisses me off. He did and I have moved on - do not want him back and my anger and hurt is still there but we have to have an amicable working relationship for the sake of our DCs. She betrayed me aswell - as a friend and the continuing justification of her actions and the need to hurt you going forward - just demonstrate her insecurities. The using my kids as a weapon in her war against me, is unforgiveable. Slagging me off on social media etc .

Criticising my child care decisions, ie, put DCS in nursery 3 days per week so I could work, then got a childminder for drop off and pick ups three days per week. Other 2 days I worked butdid flexi time to do the school runs.

Keep going your DCs will get it - my eldest does and is 9.

My friends kept telling me what goes around, karma etc and finally a year ago - it did!!!! After a fairly stormy tempestuous few years - he walked out on her!

She has a poorly paid job, has always lived off her men ( Third marriage/long term relationship she had wrecked) and is trying to rip EX off aswell - karma comes as he failed to pay maintenance for 2 yrs!

I am financially independent, can afford to take my DCs on holiday off my own finances, live well but not excessively and have two of the most loyal, loving, caring DCs who I absolutely love to bits.

I am in essence free - was lonely- v slowly venturing into the new man scene, have cried, laughed been so bloody tired, angry, hurt, disappointed everytime he failed to see his DCs, curled up in a ball when he took them on holiday with her once in 4 yrs and cried - have had hugs and kisses and cuddles from my DCS when they realised I was "not being you" and learnt to organise, work like a dog and smile.

OMG I can smile!

Keep it up - you are better than her and know it!

riz- you are so right the drama.

Once they were in suburban utopia and all the hiding dates, lies etc were no longer necessary and the drudgery of family life with her DCS and his being sidelined hit - the shine started to come off.

I do not hate her anymore, I pity her and I feel sorry for her DCs. She is not worth my time or energy on hate anymore - although I am human enough to enjoy her current issues!

OP you are doing brilliantly and it is still early days. It's like the Bear Hunt story: you can't go over it, you can't go under it - you just have to go through it.
With regard to resentment though I have to say that I think this is a poisonous emotion which I wasted a LOT of time on in the dying days of my marriage before X walked out and I have vowed to not burn away any more of my precious life on. The saying that it is like taking poison yourself and hoping the other person will die is so true. I can see in your words that your determination is shining through. I see also an element of "fake it till you make it" but you are absolutely on the right course. Keep going and keep posting.

Thankyou. I've even had a little cry because each one of you have. given your answers have been so truthfully and honestly. The comfort and support I get here has been invaluable...when I have been lost or angry or just plain messed up...
Ohamireally..you are so right about fake it till you make it. I am determined and I will get there. I owe myself that happy future.

I'm truly impressed op - you are Fab!

Maybe it's also about feeling left out? When you are ready perhaps look at things which trigger big feelings now but that also reflect things that happened to you previously. With strong feelings it can be that 10% is connected to what's going on now but 90% is connected to something unresolved from the past.

Remember to 'talk' to yourself as an extra special kind of person would do - instead of nagging and moaning and saying 'i should be better than this'. You are going through a growing period - and growth is painful. [we don't change otherwise]

Recovery is not linear so sometimes its easier, sometimes its harder - 3 steps forward - 2 back etc etc. Be at least as kind to you as you are to your dc. You are allowed to be loved.

You are human Fab and doing the best you can. You are good enough.

I discovered the 'stress/stillness' book worked best for me by reading it every time I felt horrid - I'd just dip into a bit and found it helped and gradually over time it all sunk in - it's been invaluable especially with helping my dc to cope with difficult times.
[NB - author does get a bit religious towards the end - which isn't my personal cup 'o tea at all - but despite this the principles all really work and translate across other ideology.]

I love the Bear Hunt story ohamlreally - we're all going on a bear hunt......

It's true I do feel left out..but it is bigger than that. I was in that relati
Ionship going sour for 7 years where I was ( I now realise why) being deliberately excluded, marginalised and ignored...I now see that this was a strategy used on me. I stayed because Of the kids, because I hoped things might improve, because we were married and I believed in those vows and because I felt if I gave out more love..it would be returned eventually.
Part of the anger is because all my life I truely believed that good came to those who did good and karma would catch up with lifes rogues.
However I am poorer than I have ever been, I now have all the responsibility of caring for my children on a 24/7 basis witbout the financial support. On the other hand...my stbxh and my very exf have both lied, cheated and betrayed...and have walked away into a happy new life together, plenty money, bought a house together, and he has no childcare responsibilities at all apart from playing disney dad less than 2hrs a week. Where's the karma in that? I truely believe I gave and gave and stood by that man..for him to use me and then leave to go on to he childfree existence he (jokingly) wanted...it really has shaken my strongly held life long belief. They've won..got exactly everything they've ever wanted...and I have been left behind with nothing. Yes I AM free of him and his nasty ways, yes the kids are better off having less to do with him. But it hurts to be hurt when you are the nice one. I know none of this is my fault..this is their choices and behaviour that created this event..and it is the unfairness of that, that is really at the core of my hurt. It isnt that I want a relationship, money in the bank or a big house...I just want to feel spitritual justice has been done...and it hasnt yet.
I am truely grateful he is gone..overwhelmed with the love and support I have received..but it isnt enough for just me to recover. I think I want them to be punished for their behaviour karma wise and I'm not proud of that..but I do feel that emotion. I dont want to be bitter or dwell on or be involved in the divine retribution(!) I am I suppose jealous that they have cosmically got away with it...

It does not help that my bff age 36 has terminal cancer. Fit and healthy..looked after herself, and everyone around her..loved by everyone she meets. She has such a short time between a very recent diagnosis (2 weeks) and secondary tumours in her liver...and that again seems so unfair...she is one of lifes greats...time in her company makes everyone feel great...for her to have such a short life with pain when there are so many awful people just getting on with living long lives...there's no justice in that.
I know her diagnosis has stirred up those powerful emotions again...and I will just have to keep acknowledging them and letting them go...but it is very very hard when there is so much around me which feels so wrong.

Part of the anger is because all my life I truely believed that good came to those who did good and karma would catch up with lifes rogues.

I believed this too! [and then I think if only I'd known it wasn't I would have taken the opportunity to be BAD!!!]

I wonder if we watched too many movies/read too many books where the good people won. Or maybe our mothers just pressed us too hard to be 'good'. Whatever that is. Instead of teaching us to be more free.

It's sad and unfair too about your friend. Life is shit sometimes. I think big feelings = big heart op - that sounds like you. Your fabulous heart - let's imagine it full of love. So full of love that the bad feelings just slide off like rain. You win.

Perhaps we also want life to have more meaning because we just can't get our heads around how insignificant we all are - in the grand scheme of things.

Fab - I thought exactly like you - marginalised and confiding in my friend about issues, which she then went and helped DH "solve" with the plan I discussed with her. I was always two steps behind on my own ideas because she was stealing them!

Bitter will go, the sadness at the way you were treated and the emotions and betrayal that evoked will never leave you - you just deal with them better.

So many people told me karma - and I never believed them - then it did. I would be lying if I did not admit to dancing a 30 second jig and saying a few eff yous - you deserve it in private.

Hang in there - this is so early for you, it gets better and believe me when I say - you will be stronger than them in the end.
Your new reality is just beginning, you will wonder how but you will always deliver.

Take care

Here again. Son hospitalised last week for stress for 2 days. Sarcastic texts and'so I dont need to come, right?" from stbxh.

Son home, explain to STBXH reasons for stress. Please be careful.
Son returns home after weekend and confides in me his dad has asked him to keep a secret from his sister.

Have also discovered that after telling me that the new house would mean that they could offer both kids a bedroom each in their new home, it transpires ds gets big double room ensuite...dd gets single bed in COW's office. Dd 13 hormonal and emotionally upset by being abandoned by dad ( she was daddys little princess and known as'the daddy hogger' by ds) is emotionally relegated again. Suggested swopping alternate rooms each visit but unlikely. Ds confides she is very sullen and uncooperative when there ( surprise surprise) despite my absolute efforts to ensure they know they should go and enjoy dads time without it being a betrayal of loyalty.
The secret ds has been asked to keep that dad and COW are buying a very large and very expensive cat for their home. Dd is absolutely terrified of Cats and dogs ( full on adrenaline fuelled terror...not just'not keen' screaming, hysterical the works.) Dad is completely aware of how terrified she is but wont do the grounding techniques that help her and has always just yelled at her in the past for 'making a scene and being pathetic'.
I have told son he should not be asked to keep secrets by dad. Dd will be even more upset when she finds out and it is likely she will refise to go ( she cannot go to certain places locally where there 'might be' cats and dogs' so picnics walks etc are out.
She will feel even more upset and angry when she processes that Dad and COW. know all this but are doing it anyway.She is even more marginalised.again.
To make things worse, ds who had been making mental health gains after hospitalisation last week has now taken to his bed again and is suffering.
What is it? Stbxh has everything he wants..the woman,the security, the love, the childcare free responsibility ( except when it suits him) yet they are still manipulating the children and trying to mess up whats happening here..and I am the one trying to pick up the pieces.
No point in making contact with stbxh and cow- I have asked them in the past for consideration for kids...I just get the "we're free agents and we will do what we want' comments back in my face.
I was very angry, now I am just so sad that it is just more evidence after only three weekend visits that dad ( and COW) give zero fucks about what dd and ds need and want, and really have no intention of doing anything that puts the kids first.
I'm so sad to have to have reached this conclusion so quickly. I honestly thought, one he left to 'be happy' he'd at least make a bit of an effort as he was a rubbish dad when he was here..but it appears'out of sight out of mind' means he can put in even less effort than before.
Heartbroken again.
Face to face/emails/contact crossover conversations are routinely dismissive.
Refusal to let kids have access is unfair and will be used against me...and then stbxh and COW will have what they want...which is 1) reason to slag me off
2)a life free from the inconvenience of children.

I feel sick.

This sounds awful OP. I'm sorry I don't know much about contact legality but I would look into seeing if you can restrict contact. They are treating the children terribly it sounds like your ds is suffering and your dd will certainly be very upset when she finds out about the cat.

The arrant selfishness that led to both those douchebags engaging in an affair and doubly betraying you doesn't suddenly vanish because it's now all out in the open. Just as you were apparently the obstacle to their 'fairytale romance' now it's the children. All you can do is to listen, commiserate your dcs and support what your dcs want to do, which may well be not seeing their father, especially if DD is fearful of cats and is relegated to the office & ds is suffering from stress. Just as you grieve let them grieve & rant too.

No, it isn't fair those pair have an affluent life - though inhope divorce finances go some way to redressing the balance serve - but you are a Gang of 3 and what you and dcs have together is worth any fancy looking house occupied with two people with the morals of a cesspool - let them fester in their rottenness together.

You otoh get dcs' birthdays,Christmas, movie nights, graduations, their highs & lows & all the inbetweens - the stuff that makes life worth living & what makes you a family. And the new fresh direction you as a single person will take. You're richer in ways stbexh cannot ever comprehend.

I remember 7 years ago, when STBXH confessed he'd run up 41k of unsecured debt and we had to sell our house before we failed to pay the mortgage...Everytime the next bad stage happened..ccj letters, legal letters about the house, appointments to attend courts... Each time I remember thinking... " this is it. This is the worst it can get. I can get through this...I can". A week later another vile step, worse than the last... I would repeat the same mantra " I/we can get through this".
It's the same anxious sick feeling... What new level of disappointment and humiliation could be worse than this?

You would think with experience like that to draw on, I'd stop tortuing myself with hope, maybe a glimmer of.
.oh no..wait...just more crap, another circle of hell.

Well, if I knew then he was a cowardly and foolish man who cannot face challenges, but I was strong..I need to remind myself of that again. I must stop trying to hope he will eventually improve...and expect nothing and receive it in abundance.
Your messages are true...the further he pushes them away..the closer they are to me and that is a parenting joy he has never understood or enjoyed.
I shall pick them up and dust them down and love them a little more every day. #threewin

Op I am so sorry this has happened to you and your kids. Your ex and ow sound like a pair of disgusting dog turds.

The time that has passed so far is not long at all. It's early days so very normal to feel the emotions that you are. They will lessen in time there will be ups and downs in that process.

Best advice = do not engage in communication with ow, don't let her know any more of your feelings.

Kids: they are old enough to remember this situation forever. They don't currently have enough life experience to process and analyse it completely like you do but in time they will obtain that and be able to look back at what their "father" did without rose tinted specs.

You will be ok even if it doesn't always feel like that.

OW is insecure - she uses her knowledge of your family to bully you and knows DD is a Daddy's girl and she feels threatened. Putting her in the OWs office/ she is competition for Dads affections office is absolutely evil.

The cat is quite frankly nasty and malignant, I would use the words emotional abuse - because it is pre meditated, they know the reaction an are going ahead - quite frankly sick.

Your poor DS being told to keep a secret which he know and understands the outcome is also emotional abuse.

I would to be frank - get your DCs counsellor asap.

all I can say is let your DCs, decide and if right now, DD does not want to go, do not force it - she is old enough to know her mind. You can facilitate their relationship but she does not have to engage if she does not want.

Fab I really feel for you. This is a crossroads you have come to. Thinking about the debt your X ran up, do you feel you are financially more responsible than him? Is it likely you would get yourself in that situation without him? So perhaps you are looking at a future that you alone control- no one can dump you into that horrible nightmare again. I have found that I am much better with money than I thought I was since my X left. For 20 years we were both overdrawn; he ran up loads of debt before leaving. I have paid off the overdraft on the old joint account before closing it, my own has just melted away now I don't have to subsidise his expenditure and it feels great to have control (he's getting to keep his debt in the divorce ). Now, I know of greater importance is you children's feelings in all this. You will have to let go all of your expectations of him as a father. Do not block contact but do not push for it. Move ahead with nice plans for you and your family as if he doesn't exist. If the the children ask why he does what he does, explain gently that you cannot speak for him but that you love them and will do anything for them. Keep good loving boundaries so that they know they are safe with you. If you can turn away from the shit behind you, face the sun and your new life then your X and his charming new partner will no longer be able to hurt you with their stupid games.