How often should a single parent have a night out?

[Biddylee]

I live with my sister and she recently grumbled that I was going out too much. This was because I asked if she could help out both Saturday and Sunday evening or I'd get a babysitter.

Is that too much? I do much of the childcare for my child - all the pick ups and drop offs and try to make sure we have some fun times together.

I also need to be able to feel human for my own well being - and at this current time, I need to be off out socialising.

Any thoughts?

It's not wrong to want to enjoy yourself and everyone will have different opinions. You shouldn't feel bad for wanting to socialise. I am not a single mum but husband works away a month at a time. I go out once every few months as we have a lack of childcare, but I am happy with that. Everyone is different.

Everyone is different. I wouldn't compare yourself to others, as long as you feel happy with it and you have childcare in place there shouldn't be an issue.

For what it's worth, I tend to have one night out when my kids are with their dad, so once a fortnight and occasionally I will get a sitter if I have something I really want to do in between times.
But ultimately it's your life so you live it how you see fit.

Shouldn't you be doing all the childcare for your child as it is your child, so the responsibility for childcare lies with you or the child's father? It's up to you as the parent to organise a baby sitter if you need one. Once you have a child, your first responsibility is to that child. It would be kind of your sister to help out but the ultimate responsibility is yours (and the father) and yours alone.

I guess it depends on what you mean by I need to be out socialising & how you define a night out?

I've been out socialising quite a bit recently... last Friday I went to the movies with friends (took DD's with us), Monday I went out with a friend for dinner after work, Wednesday I went to a friends for dinner (took DS with me), after work yesterday I dropped into a friends for coffee before picking up DS.

All of this socialising either included my kids or was done during my child free time & I very rarely have a proper night out clubbing, drinking etc unless it's a specific event such as a birthday party or wedding.

I know you say that you do all of the childcare but it is very easy when you live with someone to say "I'm just popping to the shop, I'll leave DC here as I won't be long" or "could you keep an eye on DC whilst I do this/that/the other?" & not realise how often you are doing this could this be part of the issue?

When does your sister get to go out if she's babysitting for you so often?

I think the issue is you seem to be taking your sisters help for granted, and expect her to provide childcare often.

It is your child, not your sisters, and it is your job to look after her. As pp said, pick ups drop offs are down to you (and the dad if one is one the scene). You don't get an award for that, it's part of parenting. You say it like you're doing your sister a favour not asking her.

there are no limits on how often you "should" go out. There are limits on how often your sister will facilitate this, to the detriment of her own life, before she gets pissed off.

Fwiw, i think i've had about one night out per year since my eldest was born 10 years ago. I'm not a lone parent either, i just have no family to babysit, and it's not fair on dh or i to be going out regularly while the other one sits at home.

Pay for a babysitter if you want to go out so often. Do you pay your sister?

I want to tell you that you should feel awful for going out without your child at all, but that is only because I'm very jealous of you being able to do so OP .
I don't have anybody around me to babysit DS and he only visits his dad once or twice a month, of which I then work the evening shift so very very few nights out here for me .

Seriously though, if you're able to go out and still have a life then definitely don't let someone else put you off it, you are entitled to still be you rather than just a mum.

I don't think you're going out too much, unless this is the case every single weekend and by 'going out' you mean drinking and are hungover the next day (but there's no indication that is what you mean); however I can see why your sister doesn't want to babysit 2 nights in a row.

Your mention of doing most of the childcare for your child is a bit redundant really - they're your child and surely that's par for the course.

Thanks for all the replies. I did fail to mention that I did say I would get a babysitter if my sister couldn't help but her response was that she didn't want a stranger in the house.

(Also the request for the babysitting has been down to my ex booking a holiday at short notice which meant that my free time has been taken up with childcare.)

Whiskey I do do a fair amount of socialising with my DD. It is however nice to socialise without having to keep one eye on a small child

tiny I'm generally a very cautious drinker (shandy for me although I went out the other night and they used strong lager and only a small amount of lemonade!!) I don't want to do hangovers when my child is around (well I don't want to do hangovers in general!)

Some comments on here I highly disagree with, and they might disagree with mine too. But I’m just going to go ahead and say this, it’s absolutely disgusting for grandparents to not want to be apart of there grandchildren’s lives, I’m a single mother with no family support my mother doesn’t give a damn about my daughter, my daughter also has never met her father or his side of the family, so all the more so I thought my mother would want to be a supportive loving grandma to my daughter. Iv struggled iv done it alone no friends no family no partner nothing just me and my daughter 24/7 no me time no letting my hair down once in a while I love and adore my daughter and iv done my best and will continue to do so to give her the best upbringing I possible can, she will feel the pain growing up having nobody but me, and a lazy grandma that doesn’t want to bond spend time or have her for the night at a weekend like a grandma should do… when I tell you this I have felt the struggle and when my daughter grows up and has children I will never see her go through what I have, I will be the best mother to her and the best grandma to her children I will give her that break when she wants a little bit of her time to go out with her friends, partner or just have a night to relax and catch up on sleep! Not only will I do it for my daughter but I will do it to have a close relationship with my grandchildren. Any grandparent that doesn’t want to establish a relationship with there grandparents are selfish cruel and sure well damn be ashamed of themselves!

My mum moved to Australia when my eldest was born. She was also still working and would’ve been 3 hours away had she not moved and wouldn’t have done childcare anyway due to work. Parents bring up their kids. They don’t HAVE to do childcare for grandkids, they may want to or offer or babysit but some just like to visit or some not at all, which is rubbish but sometimes it’s better than way why would we want our kids with people who don’t want to see them?. So it’s not disgusting it’s choice.

As parents we have to look after our own kids, I do, I never have babysitters as youngest has asd, wouldn’t cope, I go out if he’s at his dads, his dads mum takes them but it can be too much. My mum lives in this country now but 500 miles away. Bit far for a night out. There are other options for babysitting and childcare. I tend to just have occasional coffee or drink with a friend - quiet and low key.

Yes single parents can go out but if you live with your sister op you know she doesn’t want a random in her house. I’d do one night or the other.

Is it too much? IMO yes I think it probably is.

Ok, I get that everyone likes to unwind, but going out twice every weekend does seem excessive, especially as your free babysitter is telling you this!

@Biddylee something you said leapt out at me

‘which meant that my free time has been taken up with childcare’.

This suggests to me that the ‘childcare’ has become a negative thing for you and you might need to put another spin on it such as ‘I am allowed/privileged to look after my children this weekend’.

As for ‘free time’ - for a lot of parents this becomes less of the priority than it once was pre-kids. Sorry, but true for many.

No one (apart from your ex) owes it to you to be a free babysitter - sister, grandparents etc. Your children are your and your ex’s responsibility and if you need a night out, I would personally pay for a babysitter.

Meh. If you can get the childcare then two nights i a row is not a big deal. I can go for months without a night out, and so then two in a row wouldn’t feel like a big deal to me.

The only issue for me is childcare - my ex barely takes her, so normally if I have a whole weekend of plans it’s if he has stepped up (once every three - six months) or I take her to stay with my family who don’t live in the same time.

If you can’t secure the childcare then that’s the issue. It’s maybe a good thing you have your sister but also a hard thing if you can only rely on her, and not just book a babysitter. That’s pretty tough going.

Also, nothing like an ex just making plans and you having to pick up the pieces! I feel you.

Your terminology is a bit odd - talk of doing "much of the childcare" and your "need" to be out socialising.
Are you the dad in this scenario? Do you think the childcare shouldn't really be your responsibility?

There is no right or wrong answer to this. My parents didn't go out a lot when I was younger, but when they did I used to absolutely love my grandparents babysitting for an evening. If your DD is spending time with people who love her, and she's perfectly happy for you to be going out, that's fine.

You need to get the balance right between spending time with her, going out, and making sure your family are happy with how often they're looking after your child.

The right balance isn't the same for everyone, but if you chat to them about how often they're happy to help, you may find the perfect solution.

I think it's fine that you want to go out, however I wouldn't expect childcare from the same person 2 nights in a row.

Maybe ask a friend or something? You sister sounds a little judgemental about you going out so I'd be wary of asking her too much.

For me, never. The childcare helpline get us used on after school pick ups so I can work and get dobt like to take the piss.

I'd say you can ask your sister but not expect. Does she have DC too?

In this situation I think I'd have asked for 1 of the nights

@Biddylee

I live with my sister and she recently grumbled that I was going out too much. This was because I asked if she could help out both Saturday and Sunday evening or I'd get a babysitter.

Is that too much? I do much of the childcare for my child - all the pick ups and drop offs and try to make sure we have some fun times together.

I also need to be able to feel human for my own well being - and at this current time, I need to be off out socialising.

Any thoughts?

Such an oddly worded post.

Who does ‘childcare’ for their own child?

So ‘at this current time, you need to be off out socialising’, do you?! I’m not a single parent and I don’t get anything like two weekend nights socialising - chance’d be a fine thing.

If you don’t want to look after your own child, what makes you think your sister does? Not much choice for her really, is it, if she understandably doesn’t want a random babysitter in the house with her.

I can see where your sister is coming from. I’m busy in the week and like to wind down at the weekend. I wouldn’t be up for giving up both evenings. It doesn’t sound like an issue with your nights out but more why the childcare is falling to her, it’s not her child

I'm a single mom and I never have a night out. My last night out was 14 months ago at it was just drinks at my mates house. And before that over 2years before. My parents help when they can. Mostly school holidays but I don't see it is their job to help out and look after my DS for me to have a social life. They are his grandparents and I want them to remain that way.

I get no other other help. I do everything. But I see that as your job as a parent anyway! Raising your child and doing drop off and pick ups and all the other stuff if our job to do. No one else's! Even when my child goes to his grandparents I provide everything and send money. My parents struggle with health and things are financially tight for them. My mom helps me enough by working in a school as a dinnerlady meaning she can be around for school holidays. I dont mind helping them as much as I can when he goes to theirs as I know it provides him with his comforts from home but also saves me hundreds in childcare, and also helps them too. I personally don't believe grandparents have a duty to do anything. I remember my grandparents did no childcare for my parents. Just the odd weekend. So I am used to my parents doing everything and having no life as my parents too had no social life either.

Everyone's circumstances are different and what suits one may not suit someone else. Maybe your sisters issue is more about the fact she ends up having very little downtime to allow you to go out. She deserves a break.

I think everyone deserves a right to a social life though as long as you don't make a habit of passing your responsibilities to others on a regular basis