At what point is no contact the best option?

[Beth2511]

Have a 2 year old and 3 month old. Ex assaulted me on a weekly basis in front of 2 year old, taught her it was fun to bite me and she is now showing signs of being a very distressed angry little girl. He wished our son dead and assaulted me at 36 weeks pregnant to try achieve this. He has said he will hurt them to hurt me.

He has been charged with assault and threats to kill, after threatening me with 3 knives in front of our 2 year old. I walked in to him holding our baby with his fist clenched and shaking trying not to punch him. He genuinely terrifies me to be with the children!

I don't know whether it will actually be in their best interest to have no contact? Preparing for the inevitable proceedings to take me to court for them...

You must not let him see them. Their safety is at risk and that's that.

What is your involvement with social services?

I'm just so scared as to how I will show the courts that this quiet charming butter wouldn't melt guy is so capable of the things he has done!

I have a few messages from him apologising for things he has done to me and alluding to when he hurt our daughter but not directly admitting it.

They have been borderline involved, have told me not to allow contact and it's been referred to MARAC but they are happy that I have put in multiple measures to keep them safe

Measures such as changing her sessions at child care, changing our routines, Co operating with the police, home security, having a safe place to go if we were to get home and he was here, having a safe room in the house

No, they mustn't spend time with him. He is dangerous.

Mine wasn't as bad as yours (though he did try to kill me) but my dd is now 34 and still suffers from having had to spend time with her father three out of four Saturdays (contact was supposed to be every week but he never quite made it) until she was eighteen. I believed the hype that children must see fathers, and also we faced the problem that he wouldn't pay maintenance if he hadn't had access visits. If I'd known then how badly she would be affected, I would have tried to put a stop to access.

So wrt to contact, it really is quite simple at the moment. You are under Social Services direction to not allow contact. If you do, you risk having your dc removed from your care.

This is the period in which to gather evidence and support for any possible future court case.

Have you been completely honest with the police and social services about his treatment of the dc?

I originally didn't tell the police of the incidents with the children because I was petrified of losing my children for it as I know I have failed them massively. However I told my support workers last week who have informed police who were meant to have rung me back so I can make an additional statement. Police didn't get back to me so tomorrow I'm going to call them again as he is in court on 16th Feb for othere charges

It's just so tough because I have spent three years being told daily I'm an unfit mother who no one will ever believe and they will take my kids from me if I try and that he will prove I'm not fit to be a mum.

Hard not to listen to it but it's so ingrained I can't shake it off

Your best bet is to pursue the police investigation into your ex's treatment of the dc.

But be prepared for some very tough questions regarding why you didn't report what he has done to the dc straightaway.

Contact centres through social services could be an option. He wouldn't be alone and would be assessed if needed. But you'd be letting your child see their dad in a positive environment - if it became less than positive they'd have evidence and measures in place to protect your children.

I don't think I'd even allow supervised contact in your case.
He's likely to mindfuck with the children anyway.

Only if court ordered.