Anyone else go back and forth wanting kids to hate their dad for being a dick? Then being glad they don't see it!

[OopsDearyMe]

Sometimes I fek so sick to my stomach when the kids rave about their dad, I want to say hang on what about me and all I do for you! That fucker does nothing! He gets all the love and I get the shit.
Then I wake up and realise they would be pretty messed up kids if they really saw how shit he was, ignorance being bliss.

I kinda know what you mean.

On the one hand we are encouraged to not 'badmouth' the dads cos it's damaging for our children so we try and not do that. But if they're not only a twat but a twat with a personality disorder, you have no choice but to explain that to them to help preserve themselves so they don't feel quite as shit about the fact that for example their dad can't be arsed to see them.

And I've lost count of the number of times someone's reacted to me saying just what you've said Oops by saying 'Oh don't worry, when they're older they'll realise how much of an arse he is". Like it's a good thing! How can it ever be a good thing to realise one of your parents is an utter tool? And in any case, even if they do realise that, the typical mom who does loads for her kids never gets any credit for it. And if they do realise, it won't be for another say 20 years minimum when they have kids of their own and maybe start to have some inkling of all that has been done for them that they didn't even see or realise.

There's this thing of mums turning up for school events, parents evenings etc, all considered entirely normal. But when a bloke polls up, wow, what a fantastic dad you are! Yeah, right. It's not anything special for a dad to turn up to parents evening, or it shouldn't be!

It is INCREDIBLY unfair.

It must be in the air today Oops, just started a thread on the same theme!

If your kids' dad is a twat they will spot it, whatever you do or don't do. And in time they will come to appreciate all you do and have done for them. And if you are very lucky they might start telling you yo are brilliant to your face. You may have to wait 10 years or so, and it won't stop the teenage traumas along the way, but they'll get there in the long term and I can tell you the rewards are sweet indeed!

For balance, this works both ways. I'd sometimes love my daughters to realise what a horrific person their mother is. But you have to take a step back and remember, 1) just how damaging that realisation may be, and 2) even scum can muster up what it takes to be a good parent... on occasion.

I can so relate to this. I'm quite recently separated and struggling with how my ex had treated me and the realisation of how bad it was. My teen kids have no idea of any of it, so don't understand how I'm feeling, why I'm upset. They just expect me to do all the same mum stuff. Then when they see their dad (only a few times a month) he does the fun going out stuff with them

If it was someone unconnected who was making me this upset I would be able to talk to them about it and they'd be on my side and supportive.

Some people have said I should tell them. But how awful to find out how nasty your dad is.

Slightly different perspective here as my dc don't like spending time with their dad and I have to insist that they go. Then feel guilty about that. But they are only 9 and 10 so I don't think they are old enough to decide quite yet. I often want to say you're right girls, he is a twat and you don't have to go.

My XH is doing a grand job all by himself. He rocked up at the school to collect Ds4, 6, (unannounced and not allowed too), picked him up (as in carried him), introduced himself and slated me to the teacher in front of my cousin (she collects him). He came home and told me everything. "Daddy said nasty things about you to Miss. I'm going to tell her he's lying"
No need for it.😢
Every child has the right to make up their own mind.

Oh your poor DS. At least he is sticking up for you, bless him

Totally get where you are - it is incredibly difficult.
Likewise not slagging off the new partner, OW and ex friend!!!!

I have stuck rigidly to the no slander from my mouth and it has hurt me so much.

Eldest is now realising that it takes two to tango and whilst they have always blamed the new partner for the split, the concept of relationships is dawning that their DF is also at fault. It wavers from realisation to defending his actions in the same breath, to now saying what did you to make him go - it is very hard.

I do it for my kids - but there is no doubt it has an emotional toll on me, as I realise I am lying to them.