Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

How would you feel about this?

20 replies

TheOnlyColditz · 20/09/2016 16:31

Imagine your boy and girl have been visiting your ex and his partner for 7 years. Your boy is 13 and your girl is 11.

One Sunday they return home and say there has been a bedroom readjustment. Your boy now shares with your ex's same-age step son, and your daughter now sleeps in a bedroom with a ten year old boy, that has been split down the middle with wardrobes.

How would you feel about this new arrangement?

OP posts:
Twolittlejobbys · 20/09/2016 16:52

Suppose it depends on how many rooms there is and if this is the only practical way (for now) your daughter is same age as mine so this may work for a shot time but I would say in a year or so they'll be too big! How long/often do they stay over?

Original poster
TheOnlyColditz · 20/09/2016 16:56

I'm the partner with the step kids in this scenario. The house is 3 bedroom - the same age stepson has SN and will now not move out of his room at visitation time. The smaller child has the biggest room. This would be an 'until visits stop' arrangement as having three boys in the big room isn't working any more - they don't fit

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOnlyColditz · 20/09/2016 16:57

They come every other weekend for the whole weekend.

OP posts:
Twolittlejobbys · 20/09/2016 17:14

This could work for a while! But.... the girl may want more privacy in the next year or so? Would it be possible for her or your son to sleep in the living room?

Original poster
TheOnlyColditz · 20/09/2016 17:24

We did consider that but my house is very open plan and small - you have to go through the living room to get to the kitchen, and the only place to eat breakfast is the kitchen. It would mean everyone having an eleven year olds bedtime and I don't see that working at all.

OP posts:
Twolittlejobbys · 20/09/2016 17:32

Best thing you could do for now is go for it! But be prepared to re-evaluate in a year or so! Although I'm only going by my own kids! I certainly wouldn't mind if it was my two!

Somerville · 20/09/2016 17:35

In the short term my feelings about it, if the 13 and 11 YO's were mine, would depend on the developmental stage of my DD, and her feelings on the matter. If she had started puberty and needed privacy to get changed and space in which to go to bed early with bad period pains (like my DD1 does) or if she were unhappy or embarrassed then I'd be upset that it hadn't been discussed with her prior to them arriving for the weekend. And I'd think the parents need to give up their room EOW until they could find a better solution.

If the kids involved don't mind and not yet going through puberty then it wouldn't be a big deal to me in the very short term. But it won't be a go-er for much longer.

Can you sleep downstairs just when the kids are there, and give her or your DS your room then? Or can you properly separate whichever is the largest bedroom with plasterboard?

Original poster
TheOnlyColditz · 20/09/2016 17:44

I'm going to use two wardrobes - there will be full separation between the two younger children. I've asked the girl how she'd feel about it and her response was "meh. Whatever."

This is all getting very difficult as the kids all get older, it was so much easier when they wer 3,4 and 6 and 6!!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOnlyColditz · 20/09/2016 17:45

House is rented so can't use plasterboard

OP posts:
Somerville · 20/09/2016 18:09

Sounds like she won't mind trying this for a bit, then.

You won't be able to do this soon though - two non-blood related teenagers in the same room? A wardrobe isn't that high, one of them could easily stand on a bed and look over if they so chose. The insecurity for both of them that the other may do so would be most uncomfortable. And sounds won't be muffled which is almost the bigger issue.

I'd get a comfy sofa bed if I were you and sleep downstairs EOW.

Or swap your room for the boys room, if yours is bigger? Get a triple bunk or 3 cabin beds for the boys in there?

Failing all that, how long left on your tenancy? Can you move to a 4 bed or a 3 bed with one huge room and 2 smaller ones?

Original poster
TheOnlyColditz · 20/09/2016 18:47

We have the biggest house we can afford. Part of the issue is my older sons attachment to his bed, as I said, he has special needs and disruption is Not His Thjng. This is becoming worse with age

OP posts:
skyyequake · 20/09/2016 18:52

Could the brother and sister not share a room? And then the two brothers share the other room? The girl might be more comfortable with her own brother? You'd have to ask her though she might boak at the idea!!

Somerville · 20/09/2016 19:03

What does your partner think? As the children's father he needs to decide what he thinks is in his DC's best interests here.

His two sharing and your two sharing, perhaps might be preferable?
Or play musical beds EOW and you sleep in with your boys, him with his son, and his DD get the smallest bedroom?

If his DD feels uncomfortable - or there's an incident where she feels her privacy has been violated, even accidentally, then she'll stop coming to see her dad. Sad And no court is going to back up her coming with this sleeping arrangement.

Honestly, if I were him I'd get a sofa bed for the two of you and put DD in your bedroom EOW. That's the only scenario in which there's no real risk of accusations being made of him being unable to provide appropriately for his DC.

Original poster
TheOnlyColditz · 20/09/2016 19:33

Thanks for your input, Somerville, you've raised some really good points

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOnlyColditz · 20/09/2016 19:52

Actually something occurs - I could swap resident boys rooms, meaning SN boy has a split room. Other side of split could contain bunks for small boy and visiting boy (they share fine) and girl could then use small boy's room. Drawback is she would still be without a permanent bed.

I will bat the ideas around with her this weekend.

OP posts:
Somerville · 20/09/2016 20:09

Without a permanent bed when your house is too small for your needs sounds like it may be the best compromise.

Not sharing with the boys is key, I think.

I'd find little ways to remind her that it is her home too, despite the lack of permanent bed. Let her choose her own set of bed linen that gets brought out when she arrives. And give her a lockable cupboard or wardrobe in that room where she can leave stuff safely. Things like that.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/09/2016 20:12

Could the brother and sister not share a room? And then the two brothers share the other room?

A little unfair that they would have to share when the other DC are only there EOW. Unless you play musical beds.

Sanityseeker75 · 23/09/2016 13:50

I think your arrangements sound fine for now and it does sound like the children are fine with it. My DSD wanted to share with my DS from about 8 until 11 (in fact it was like musical bedrooms at one point with 4 kids split between 2 rooms) but an additional idea is maybe go for something like bed canopy (think 4 poster bed drapes but children) so that it looks god but also gives them both that additional level of privacy

Original poster
TheOnlyColditz · 23/09/2016 22:47

Well I asked her tonight, and my idea got a resounding YES. Her only concern was if any of the wardrobe space was for her (it is) so next week I will crack on with it - and if it stops working, or she or he changes heir kinda, we'll rethink

OP posts:
skyyequake · 24/09/2016 10:44

Glad you reached an outcome that works for everyone! Hopefully it sticks for a while before you have to rearrange everything again! Grin

New posts on this thread. Refresh page