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Original poster

Ex not allowing dd to attend birthday party

93 replies

ROZ12 · 03/04/2016 10:42

Hi all

My dd has her best friends birthday coming up and wants to attend but falls on dads weekend . He refuses to take her as its his weekend and wants to rest. Dd is upset but frightened to confront dad.

Also dad asked me to owe back mid week contacts when there is a school event after school and dd cannot go to dads is that fair? It's not in my control if school decides to arrange a parent evening on dad contact night? Ex has said every mid week contact missed I will owe him back a night in contact - they are accumulating fast!

Advise please.

Thanks

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 05/04/2016 22:31

Ask the gp to refer to family therapy . Tho they would waNt to speak to dad too.
Or counselling service via school.

You can't want her to submit to this until she 16. She needs support and self esteem . This is going to severely impact on her emotional well being.
Write down with her everything that's coercive and controlling.
She can cut contact.

cestlavielife · 05/04/2016 22:31

Does she want to see him at all ?

Original poster
ROZ12 · 05/04/2016 22:34

Well she says not really but I make her it's her father .

OP posts:
MothershipG · 05/04/2016 22:46

But you've said you're worried his behaviour is damaging, it certainly sounds like it! Would you tolerate anyone else treating her like this? Just because he's her father doesn't give him the right to emotionally abuse her in the same way as he did you. Sad

cestlavielife · 05/04/2016 23:35

You ve made her up to now it she is 13 now. She has a say. I always told my dd she could say no when she was 13 and she did. ...
Do you think it s fair she misses a best friend party for fear of being shouted at ?

cestlavielife · 05/04/2016 23:37

Tell her she has a choice and you will support her.

cestlavielife · 05/04/2016 23:39

Stand firm
Support her.
Tell him she is going to the party. Don't argue with him verbally ask him to email his arguments .
If she scared if the fallout then she doesn't see him again or until he calms down.

She does not have to be around someone who scares her.

Chocolate123 · 06/04/2016 08:05

At 13 she should have a say. Would you let anyone else treat her like this? Just because he's her father doesn't make it ok.

Familylawsolicitor · 06/04/2016 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ROZ12 · 06/04/2016 08:21

No of course I wouldn't I understand points made . I got a text saying no to party and its his contact day so I can't take her. No way round this I'm afraid and dd will just go with it. I've asked and he clearly said no more discussion on thus matter.

However I'm applying to court for no more overnights . I need to mediate first thou which is compulsory but a joke as he will never agree.

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 06/04/2016 09:22

What do you mean no way round this?! She is not a piece of baggage to be shuffled around, she is a human being.

You are training her to tolerate being abused. Shameful. Do the hard thing for once and get her some help. All you seem to do is repeat why you can't do this and can't do that. Protect her!!

Berthatydfil · 06/04/2016 09:35

Contact is for the benefit of the child - where in this arrangement does it benefit her?
I believe the court order only says you have to make her available for contact if she exercises a right not go actually go I very much doubt that the police will force her into going - at 13 she's entitled to have her opinions taken into account.
I understand you have been complying with the court order it's now time to empower her to make choices about her relationships.

Limelight · 06/04/2016 10:08

I've been lurking on this thread and have no real experience to offer but I really have to agree with other posters that your DD should absolutely go to this party.

There are occasions in life where frankly you ask for forgiveness not permission and this feels like one of them. Or in other words, stop asking him if it's ok! Send a text saying 'DD is going to the party on this weekend. If you aren't able to take her, then please choose another contact weekend and let me know which it is. There will be no further discussion about this.' Basically you're let to him have the last word when there's absolutely no reason why it can't be yours. You need to force him into a position where he has to act to get his own way which of course he won't - unless he decides to turn up at the party and demand that your DD leaves with him with him which seems unlikely as it will expose him as a controlling bully in front of real life people (and controlling bullies don't usually like that).

I might be talking rubbish but thought I'd say it anyway. Good luck OP

cestlavielife · 06/04/2016 14:20

the text does not hold you to anything,
you and DD are not prisoner to that text.

tell him, sorry she is staying here Friday, going to the party Saturday, can come to you next weekend instead.

you really are in a position and dd too to say no; and stand up for DD's rights to not be imprisoned.

if he reacts aggressively or violently then you report immediately.

cestlavielife · 06/04/2016 14:21

mediation/court etc - that will take time; your dd has a party she wants to go to and should have a right to go to - she is 13 not three.

LeaLeander · 06/04/2016 14:34

Bethatydfil makes an excellent point that you really should ponder, OP: Contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child. Not because the other parent "owns" part of the child and is due his/her "rightful share."

You say yourself he doesn't pay attention to her when she is there, and doesn't provide well for her or see to her comfort/happiness. So WTF????? There is zero benefit to her and much downside. She has been groomed to be compliant, secretive, to suppress her own wants and needs, to not express emotion, etc. and she's only 13. It is heartbreaking. There needs to be a real sense of urgency to rescue her from this situation. She's old enough to state a preference and as others have pointed out, he has no more authority in the matter than you do, and morally, less. You don't have to jump when he says so. If you are worried she will be retaliated against if you stand up for your and her rights, then you need to get to the police, Women's Aid and any other resource ASAP to get advice on how to protect yourself.

RandomMess · 06/04/2016 15:15

I know you and your DD are very frightened of the repercussions of saying "no" to his demands.

I would be tempted to inform him a few hours before he would collect her that DD has decided that she no longer wants the same contact that she has been having so she will not be going and that you have applied to the courts for a variation to support the changes she wants.

Then turn your phone off, lock the front door and be ready to call the police!

It will kick off however/whenever you do this so you may as well do it now and then at least she will get to go to her bf party. Is there anywhere else she can be and stay once you send the text?

starry0ne · 06/04/2016 15:18

Can I ask when Court order was drawn up I vaguely remember you been in court a while ago If I am not mistaken..

Keeptrudging · 06/04/2016 15:36

Part of being a parent is taking your children to parties/activities/being their taxi driver. He sounds like he's massively failing the 'parenting' bit. He is being ridiculous (and I'm pretty sure court/lawyers would agree). At 13, my DS would have hated being forced to spend time with me - his friends were far more important (and he lived with me)! It's about quality not quantity - if your ex was getting it right, your DD would want to spend time with him and look forward to it.

Original poster
ROZ12 · 06/04/2016 17:54

I appreciate everyone's input . The Order was drawn up in 2010.

I will definitely sort out the party first and ask for swap in weekends first and see what he says .

I will then apply to mediate and court . I've been asked to fill out the c100 and Hopefully he will listen and not be necessary to go to court .

Yes i agree it's not healthy for dd she will think this is the way to behave when in her own relationships and that's scary . I just think I've been scared and thought court order is set in stone.

OP posts:
starry0ne · 06/04/2016 18:56

It looks like it is time to revisit then... Normally 13 year olds want to spend less time with both parents..It is part of them becoming independent ... IT is expected to become more flexible as they grow however however I don't know how courts deal with this issue.

Keeptrudging · 06/04/2016 20:29

I think where parents are unable to compromise/be more flexible, courts deal with it by speaking to the child.

cestlavielife · 06/04/2016 20:42

He isn't going to listen is he ?

But that doesn't matter ...if he kicks off you report.
If she scared of his reaction you report

clam · 08/04/2016 10:34

he clearly said no more discussion on this matter.

Did he now? I think I'd reply back along the lines of, "No more discussion? Dd will not be coming to you on the weekend of x date, for the reasons I have outlined. If you would like to arrange an alternative weekend, please let me know. In the meantime, I will be contacting the courts for a revision of the previous ruling regarding contact."

Original poster
ROZ12 · 08/04/2016 18:20

Thanks for this . How should I word the whole no more overnights until bedroom is sorted out however dd wants less contact in general and if u don't agree I'm going down the court way?

I just want to to bit more better English !

OP posts: