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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex not allowing dd to attend birthday party

93 replies

ROZ12 · 03/04/2016 10:42

Hi all

My dd has her best friends birthday coming up and wants to attend but falls on dads weekend . He refuses to take her as its his weekend and wants to rest. Dd is upset but frightened to confront dad.

Also dad asked me to owe back mid week contacts when there is a school event after school and dd cannot go to dads is that fair? It's not in my control if school decides to arrange a parent evening on dad contact night? Ex has said every mid week contact missed I will owe him back a night in contact - they are accumulating fast!

Advise please.

Thanks

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 04/04/2016 17:08

it's a lot different now she is 13.

if dad wants to rest then keep dd and let her go to the party. tell dad dd is available for contact after the party.

do you have it in writing eg text he wants to "rest"
because if he wants to "rest" then much better dd is at a party and goes to him after. can you say look dd is going to the party so i will pick her up and drop her at yours after. that is pretty reasonable.

let's say for one time dd doesnt go to him - but you have proof you made her available after the party; i really dont think a court is going to have you convicted/make you do community service for one single breach.

how important is this party for dd?
how much are you prepared to stick up for dd this one time?

what kind of retaliation are you/she afraid of?
if he gets angry / aggressive then you report that.

if she is afraid of his reaction, then
encourage DD to talk to someone at school the counselor whoever.

cestlavielife · 04/04/2016 17:13

if there is a school event then for that week you can offer a different night contact.
but if he has the chance to see her in a school play or whatever and refuses it is his choice.

but, the issue here is she is afraid of him.

if the fear is genuine and she is scared - of what? aggression? violence?

then stop contact and have DD speak to someone.
tell DD you will support her to stop or cut down on contact but she must tell someone why she is afraid and what she fears.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 04/04/2016 17:28

Lea that is unfair I was following a court order and wanted her to see dad. She just understands more now , she has spoken to no one as she doesn't trust adults at all and very to if person.

Dad is not accepting me to pick up and drop wants her to stay home. He just gave a text it is not essential she attends social events but o know it's rest he wants as he works Saturdays.

I will speak to someone in legal .

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

ROZ12 · 04/04/2016 17:30

I can't stop contact it's a court order and he will call police and show it. I do t want police scaring my daughter she rather not deal with Agro and go.

He is not violent to dd but emotional blackmail is used and just rudeness.

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Original poster

ROZ12 · 04/04/2016 17:34

Bloody teenagers -- I meant confronted my her dad to why she is wanting less contact , he will attavk her.

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Akire · 04/04/2016 17:37

Surely if there is no provision for her to sleep comfortable - sharing a single bed is no fun at 13 no matter how old the half sibling. Plus if your dealing with periods and the like you don't want be sharing a bed. She shouldn't be having nights over.

Not saying she needs her own room but her own bed surely. It's not a night here and then if she's staying for ten days at a time??

The Thursday only is very restrictive surely now again he can change it. It's disappointing older she gets that she can't join in clubs and other things Because she's not getting home till later.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 04/04/2016 18:59

She is very keen to do clubs but avoids due to contact issues. She had this supper to attend last year as it was not compulsory my dd didn't go as it was dad contact day. Yes it wasn't compulsory but helpful for life skills.

I'm worried too about puberty she could start any day now . She is anxious too.

But I'm sure many girls see their dads on their period and stay overnight but probably in own bed .

OP posts:

Original poster

ROZ12 · 04/04/2016 19:01

Thursday night Is only evening he is free he works late other evenings . But due to Thursday social events and educational at school o have to keep owing nights. Is that fair - opinions please?

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RandomMess · 04/04/2016 19:50

The whole situation is unfair because he's an unpleasant controlling abusive man.

You shouldn't owe him for compulsory/essential school events - they are crucial to her education.

The best friend party is just cruel.

Actually at 13 I wonder if the police would actually force her despite there being a contact order?

You could bite the bullet and put it in writing to your Ex that your DD no longer wants Thursday evening contact and only wants to seem alternate Saturdays during the day and no longer stay overnight. However your DD would have to agree that when the officials are involved that she will tell them exactly what she wants (doesn't matter what she says to her Dad tbh).

I would contact the school and ask what sort of "counsellor" type person they have that she has to discuss this with in order for you to then battle her corner. Is she mature enough to absorb that she needs to be more open with other adults in order that you can achieve the sort of contact she wants?

Akire · 04/04/2016 20:06

It's not so much dealing with periods with dad though can see how would feel awkward if no provision. But why does she not have own bed? If there room for single then room for bunks.

bloodyteenagers · 04/04/2016 20:15

Please do talk to someone in a legal capacity about this. It cannot continue. But I really do understand how hard emotional abuse it. Personally I think this is much, much harder to deal with than physical abuse.

Also you could contact her head of years. Schools now do have pastoral care and depending on how they handle it, they could give her the tools needed to cope away from both of you. She
Won't be the first nor the last who is in such a situation.

I don't know if you are on fb, but if you are and have no mutual friends with him. Ask on there If anyone has a mate who is studying family law. You never know.

Another thing worth looking at is would you actually get legal aid. Until you are open with a solicitor you never know.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 04/04/2016 21:09

Thanks everyone . About the legal aid I though legal aid has gone for family matters?

She is mature but won't talk to her school, she sees schools as a zone we cSnt enter and our issues where she can be herself and free. Although she is totally herself with me lots of tears before she left but never tears in front of dad .

I was physically and mentally abused the mental has stayed with me and now my dd is going through it. It's so hard to prove thou .

My dd is happy to speak to a cafcass officer at court .

Wish me luck I'm
Doing the forms .

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Original poster

ROZ12 · 04/04/2016 21:15

Sorry the bed issue yes it's a single room , bunk could easily go in. She sometimes transfers room too it's not a stable bed situation. Four children in total inc mine, his wife and parents in four bed room house, plus cousins sleepover.

It's a 70s style house with 70s furniture , dd complains a lot and she says she doesn't even get a duvet cover and house radiators don't work .

Oh and dad works Saturday's and leaves her with grandparents so Saturday day contact won't really work? Any other suggestions?

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bloodyteenagers · 04/04/2016 21:24

There are exceptions for family law.
Like if you ever reported abuse. Or if the initial court order was a result of abuse. But
You would have to talk to a lawyer. Some, not all, do a 30 minute free consultation.

I have also just remembered that some children centres also do a monthly law clinic. Which is free if you are in that area.

Akire · 04/04/2016 21:28

If she had secret phone she could take pictures to show you. If that's ok to do so. She's entitled to have basic needs met so a bed of her own. If there isn't room then she dosnt stay over. If you live close enough so that's it a short car ride she's old enough to get into car at 9/10pm be driving home. Then see him after work Saturday then home for bed. Surely it's contact that counts not just being in his house when he isn't or just sleeping.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 04/04/2016 22:08

Ok I'll look into the legal centre .

I'm not keen for her to take pictures as dad will eventually find out she took her phone this time and get into trouble . I'm
Sure she will tell the cafcass officer her concern. If I apply to court next week how soon will we be seen?

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cestlavielife · 04/04/2016 23:28

You are not stopping contact if she tells him she goes to the party and sees him after.
You need to make a stand.
Is he going to call the police and tell them she is at a party ?
Why isn't she allowed a phone ?

cestlavielife · 04/04/2016 23:28

What kind of trouble ?
What kind of attack ?

BlackeyedSusan · 05/04/2016 01:29

will she ring child line?

Original poster

ROZ12 · 05/04/2016 16:05

I meant if I just say no more overnights that is stopping court order.

If I apply to court ex will find out and interrogate my dd and she will get into trouble in answer to Cest la vies post .

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HelsinkiLights · 05/04/2016 16:18

He is a bully plain & simple. And bullies need sorting.
It may also help to have things on record. such as her ringing childline or nspcc.
Possibly voicing her fears to your gp on her next doctors visit.
Speaking to a sympathetic teacher or school nurse.
Maybe contacting social services etc.

You've been given lots of excellent advice & remember YOU CAN DO THIS!

cestlavielife · 05/04/2016 16:59

of course he will find out - you may be required to go to mediation first?

what trouble would she get into?
what are you/she afraid of exactly?

eg she says dad I really want to go to the party so i will come to you after ok?
what will dad say or do to her?

eg shout/rant/aggressive?

she is old enough now to stand her ground.

if he shouts etc at her for going to her best friend's party (is it at the time he wont be at home/will be resting?) then she can rightly then say she wont go see him until he calms down. you have to start both of you standing ground and teaching dd to stand up for herself; then if the consequence is he behaves abusively then the final consequence is she reports and does not go at all.

she can offer a compromise - it is reasonable - go after the party.
she is a teenager now and unless your ex has a good parenting reason for her not to go the party then he will look unreasonable not her/you.

I dont think you need to go to court to change the contact. you can mutually agree and also act reasonably eg offer alternative. then let him take you to court....

if he calls police for one time she tells him look I am going to my best friend's party will see you after - who looks unreasonable? (unless it's an underage drinking/drugs party of course!)

Original poster

ROZ12 · 05/04/2016 18:54

She is fears him and won't up stand up for herself . She won't even ask for basic things like a duvet cover . I have told her to ask him for she wants and she has recently starting with the duvet cover but she says he never follows through and makes excuses.

Regarding the overnight contact and party if she ever mentions she wants to be away from them he says don't you love us and feels awkward .

It's really complicated to explain all this its just what she feels at my exs house . She changes her personality and dress sense .she says mum u wouldn't recognise me there .

We did go gp and she says she would never get involved in a court thing .

Yes he is a bully and I remember the treading on egg shells feeling all day he just used make me and now my dd on edge and gave to behave how he wants.

She will never stand up to him I'm Afraid she is so scared just because of his moods .

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LeaLeander · 05/04/2016 19:03

At what age can children simply say they don't want to go? Must she endure this till she is 18?

Can't you get her some counseling? I shudder to think what her future relationships with men will be like.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 05/04/2016 19:43

Yes I to am worrying about her future relationships with men of she is like this already . She may think it's ok to be sacred of men and to be forced to do what they want .

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