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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex not allowing dd to attend birthday party

93 replies

ROZ12 · 03/04/2016 10:42

Hi all

My dd has her best friends birthday coming up and wants to attend but falls on dads weekend . He refuses to take her as its his weekend and wants to rest. Dd is upset but frightened to confront dad.

Also dad asked me to owe back mid week contacts when there is a school event after school and dd cannot go to dads is that fair? It's not in my control if school decides to arrange a parent evening on dad contact night? Ex has said every mid week contact missed I will owe him back a night in contact - they are accumulating fast!

Advise please.

Thanks

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/04/2016 18:33

How about:

No more discussion? Dd will not be coming to you on the weekend of x date, for the reasons I have outlined. If you would like to arrange an alternative weekend, please let me know.

Furthermore DD is not happy about not having her own bed at your home and as a result no longer wishes to stay overnight in the inappropriate accommodation you provide, and would also prefer to drop mid week visits in order to partake in school activities each Thursday. (tweak this to what DD wants)

Due to DDs age I believe it would be beneficial for you to agree to changing the schedule on an informal basis between us; however should you refuse to enter into "discussions" I will be forced into contacting the courts for a revision of the previous ruling regarding contact.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 08/04/2016 19:37

Perfect you are a start.

OP posts:

Original poster

ROZ12 · 08/04/2016 19:38

Star!

OP posts:

Homebird8 · 09/04/2016 21:36

I've been thinking of you and your DD. Hope RandomMess's words did help. Did DD get to go to her birthday party? I assume there will have been fallout. Are you ok?

Original poster

ROZ12 · 10/04/2016 04:11

Hello

The party is next Sunday and he has agreed to drop her off Sunday morning to me to take her to
Party but I will have to owe him a night .

However I've been too scared to say the rest I'm letting the party pass first .

Thanks for support .

OP posts:

claraschu · 10/04/2016 04:32

Good for you for standing up to him about the party! Also interesting that he backed down to some extent. Sometimes bullies back down when you stand up to them.

I think you have made a good first step, and I hope you feel strong enough to follow through on all the other points. It is so important to help your daughter now, and equally important to set an example of courage and self confidence in the face of bullying behaviour.

Homebird8 · 10/04/2016 04:45

Oh, sorry. I thought the party was this weekend. Glad DD is going to get to go. I don't understand why he will expect a night extra though. Does he usually have her on a Sunday night?

It's sounding more to me that she is a counter in his game. Move one place forward and two steps back according to what suits him. I think it probably is time, given DD's age and discomfort with the situation, to think about going back to get the court order adapted to her current needs. Hers, not his.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 10/04/2016 11:39

Yes Sunday night is usually his. Is thT not right to take back the night?

OP posts:

Fourormore · 10/04/2016 12:21

If contact is going to be missed then offering reciprocal contact is wise.

RandomMess · 10/04/2016 12:38

I think swapping is fine and fair and I'd not have an issue with that (completely ridiculous once the DC are teens though!!!)

It is a separate issue that your dd really doesn't want as much contact and the lack of her own bed etc. So I think once the part is over with then you be brave and tackle changing the contact head on going via the courts if need be.

Youarentkiddingme · 10/04/2016 12:54

Tbh regardless of court order I'd tell your DD she can refuse to go. If the police turn up then she can tell them why. make sure they log what she says.

Let him take it to court if he wants access. Because your DDs welfare will be taken into account and she's more than old enough to tell them what she wants.

I really really wouldn't send your DD anymore. You walked out of the relationship for a reason - it's not fair for her to keep enduring it. (I am not blaming you btw - it sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place).

Best of luck.

Fourormore · 10/04/2016 13:49

That's a really stupid idea. There is a court order in place for a reason. Children should not be encouraged to believe that it is acceptable to disregard a court order. From Re H 2014: "Children who are suborned into flouting court orders are given extremely damaging messages about the extent to which authority can be disregarded and given the impression that compliance with adult expectations is optional."

If there are changes that need to be made they need to be done through the proper channels.

Youarentkiddingme · 10/04/2016 13:53

It's not a stupid idea. I know someone who's child has been through this - they refused to go to NRP. This parent didn't feel it was the right message to teach their DC that they should stick to court order when they were being neglected and abused. What kind of message is it to tell you DD they should attend their fathers house even though they are scared of them, feel controlled by them, aren't given anywhere to sleep or bedding?

And fwiw when the NRP took it to court in my friends case the judge laughed him back out of it.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 10/04/2016 14:11

I respect everyone's advice and after the party I'm first sending my ex an email about my daughters feelings , mediate and court if need be. Thanks

OP posts:

Fourormore · 10/04/2016 14:28

Like I said, if there are changes to be made, they should be done through the proper channels by applying before cessation of contact or immediately after (where safeguarding concerns prevent applying for variation in advance), not refusing contact and then "letting him take it to court if he wants access".

Court orders aren't optional and teaching children that they are is no good for them either.

ImperialBlether · 10/04/2016 14:43

Does anyone know what happens if a child contacts Childline? I think she could do with talking this through with someone who can do something about it.

cestlavielife · 10/04/2016 17:20

if the child is merely bored/fed up/etc then yes has to go..if there is safeguarding/bullying then you enter different territory

you have to show "reasonable excuse" to not send child to contact.
that is where it is open to interpretation.

if the parent is being coercive/controlling etc then things change.
teaching a teenager they must go along with a bully and not speak up for fear of retaliation is also damaging. it's not as simple as there is a court order go along with it.

Fourormore · 10/04/2016 17:25

That wasn't what I was saying at all. I was saying that if there's a court order, you have to go along with it until it is changed. If there are safeguarding issues then the OP needs to suspend contact and make an emergency application.

Refusing contact and waiting for the ex to make an application for enforcement means she's already on the back foot defending herself.

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