Ex making other arrangements during contact without telling me

[bluecashmere]

Extended weekend contact is just about to start following the court process and I've found out that my ex isn't even going to be around for part of the weekend and has arranged for his mother to step in. I'm not even finding out this information from him which is out of order.

We are not on good terms as he was controlling and abusive and we have been through completely unnecessary court proceedings where he already had significant contact and came out with nothing more than I had already offered.

He's probably not breaching the court order but I don't feel our child is a consideration for him in any of this and he would be far better coming home to me early if his dad isn't around. Part of the issue has been his lack of commitment and it's crazy it's happening as soon as he has more access.

He also has a girlfriend who is always there but I know nothing about her and he's never mentioned her himself. I've only heard about her from my LO and am concerned she could be left alone in charge at times.

Not very good at standing up to him so what do I say?

I get that there's a huge back story here but on the basis of what you've posted, I have to ask, do you ever have anyone else take care of your DC? A grandparent or a babysitter? Do you tell your ex-DH if you do?

His motives and behaviours may be unpleasant or unpalatable but if the solution to him not being around is care by a grandparent, on the face of it, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. How does your DC feel about it?

Well children are allowed to spend time with other adults you know! Yes his dad has limited time with him but the child will also be getting ti see his grandmother and potential step mother.

We are not on good terms as he was controlling and abusive

How he spends his time with is child is his business. Who he delegates child care in his time is his business.

Your child should not be restricted to a relationship with the grand parents on the basis of the father being in attendance or not.

He has parental responsibility as do you

Unless there is a specific paragraph detailing first port of call.

If you push this, you will be the controlling one.

Do you never leave your child with someone else?

Parties, play days...?

YABU.

Hmmm. Quite harsh.

I possibly didn't choose the best place to voice my concerns and there's a lot of context I clearly can't squeeze in, but actually when my DS has the weekend with me I do spend the whole time with him as I have time when he's not around to do my own thing and he's too little for play dates where l leave him.

I'm upset because his dad doesn't ever put him first, rarely has time completely alone with him and doesn't do anything with him when he does have contact. He has taken me to court to punish me for leaving rather than to make sure he has more time with his son. And that was clear to the lawyers and the court. The way my ex acted towards him was the final straw that made me leave in the first place.

DS already sees his paternal grandmother a lot as she is regularly there and I don't have a problem with that.

And yes, my ex does expect to know everything I am doing but lies to me about what he is up to.

My problem is my ex's lack of commitment to his child and the impact that could have on him. That's what I am complaining about!

Yabu. My db's ex has said that nephew can't stay with my mum when it's db's contact time and that his fiance isn't allowed to have nephew on her own. She is a bitter, petty twisted cow. I am sure you wouldn't want to come across like that.

I am speaking as the mother of two DC whose father has been exactly the same. He regularly gets his wife (including when she was a very new GF) to collect them and drop them at his mum's so she can have them while he does whatever else is clearly more important. Sometimes he wont even pick them up from her and they spend the night at his mum's. I used to go mad. I used to try and explain that they want to see him and he should prioritise them (he has them 1 night a fortnight) but he is who he is and you know what, the children and he have to form their own relationships, not the relationship i think they should have. Children should know their parents and by that i mean, actually know who their parents are not the censored version of them that is acting off some script that the other parent has approved. Let your son know his real dad the way he is warts and all. Not sure if it is relevant but my DC have now chosen not to see their dad any more due to how he treats them. They have seen for themselves who he is and have made their own choices about whether thats something they want to be around. Your are doing your son no favours by making his dad act like a parent that he isnt. Its false and your son deserves to have the real dad.

Thanks RudeElf. I understand where you're coming from. DS is still young and although I am always positive about his time with his dad (I do not want to f**k him up after my own childhood experiences) it's clear he misses me and he has said it's boring there. With the increased contact it's now 4 nights a fortnight and that's quite a lot of time for him to be away and not particularly happy and he's a long way off being old enough to decide not to go. And his dad has said extremely manipulative things to him (as his own dad did to him). It's in the court order that he can't do that but impossible to enforce.

Just needed a rant.

Thanks for the feedback.