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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Exh stays in bed

19 replies

mytimewillcome · 19/12/2015 20:14

The children have just come back from exh's new flat saying that he spent all day in bed, didn't give them lunch but eventually gave them tea. He was living with someone else before and didn't do that as he had people around him. He used to sleep a lot when he lived with us but of course I was there to look after them. What course of action do I have if this keeps happening? I don't want to get social services involved as they have just left us and even though i did nothing wrong they always visited me as the children live with me and I felt that they were focusing on the wrong person and should have checked up on him more. Would I go to court? Thanks.

OP posts:

starry0ne · 19/12/2015 22:19

How old are your children? Can they make themselves a lunch? not really much point having contact if you can't be bothered to see them..

Original poster

mytimewillcome · 19/12/2015 22:28

They are only 5 and 3 :( if they were older I would be less worried.

OP posts:

Marilynsbigsister · 19/12/2015 22:37

It depends if he has a court order. If he doesn't then don't send them again. If he really have a fuck he would get one and that in it self would show he could be bothered . If he already has one then send them once more, if be does the same then stop. If he tries to take you to court to enforce the order , explain why you have stopped. Sounds like he Just cba . Or depression, either way he shouldn't be in sole care of children.

Original poster

mytimewillcome · 20/12/2015 08:09

There is no court order. I think what I will do is give him one more chance but send them with a pack lunch. The problem is that he will deny it. So it becomes his word against the children's but I know who I believe. Thanks.

OP posts:

tribpot · 20/12/2015 08:12

I think sending them with a packed lunch is making a rod for your own back. He'll just expect that every time. I appreciate you can't send them where they are going to be hungry so I'd be tempted to tell him that he can have them for the afternoon only. Had he had them overnight? How did they get breakfast?

Original poster

mytimewillcome · 20/12/2015 08:58

No he didn't have them overnight. He sometimes has the older one but this makes me not want them to do that anymore. Last time my eldest said that he was waiting a long time for him to wake up and give him breakfast. :(

OP posts:

starry0ne · 20/12/2015 09:40

I agree with the others I would say afternoon contact..

tribpot · 20/12/2015 09:45

So he got up, came and picked them up (or at least was up when you dropped them off) then got back into bed? That is definitely weird. Presumably he therefore didn't interact with them at all, they were left to their own devices inside his house?

He certainly can't have them overnight, I do think a couple of hours in the afternoon will be sufficient - you can't stop him from ignoring them whilst they're there (although one has to wonder why he bothers at all, with no overnights this isn't reducing his child support payments?) but at least if it's only for a few hours they will be fed and less unhappy.

Sunbeam1112 · 20/12/2015 09:47

I would pull him up and if he didn't listen to what you say to stop contact and instructor a solictor. He cannot stay in bed with a 3 and 5 year old. What if they had an accident, he lives in a flat is it high level? What if one fell, got burnt, access to cleaning products,tablets,matches etc. Children of that age need supervision. It shouldn't be down to the older child who is still young themselves. He should also be giving him adequent food. I might sound extreme but rather what ifs than dealing with the consquences of his actions that are reviserable and that you see in the news. Sounds like he needs supervised access if he is unable to meet the needs of the children.

Original poster

mytimewillcome · 20/12/2015 14:09

I totally agree that he shouldn't have them but the problem is proving what a 5 year old says is true. He will definitely deny it. If pressed by someone else I am pretty sure my eldest's story would change to protect his father. I have sent him a text but I'm pretty sure he isn't going to answer it. I think I will give them a packed lunch as it might send a message to him that he is not looking after them but at the very least they will have something to eat. He did feed them dinner before they came home but not lunch.

OP posts:

tribpot · 20/12/2015 15:12

Sending them with a packed lunch in the hopes that he'll somehow cotton on to the fact you know he's not feeding them is (a) passive aggressive and (b) pointless. You don't need to prove what your 5yo says is true, why on earth would he lie? I'm sure you're right that your 5yo would change his story if he felt he had got his father into trouble, but that doesn't change the fact he has told you, and you believe him. It's also consistent with your ex's behaviour when you were married.

Furthermore, do you think your 5yo will remember there's a packed lunch somewhere in the house? My 10yo would but at 5 I'm not so sure.

The lack of food is only part of a bigger problem, which is that they appear to be unsupervised whilst at his house.

Fairylea · 20/12/2015 15:23

There is no way I would send them again.

Leaving a 5 and 3 year old to their own devices all day unsupervised while a parent sleeps and not even feeding them lunch is neglect plain and simple.

Yourface · 20/12/2015 15:25

My concern would also be the lack of supervision. They could be up to anything! Plus what if they choked on the packed lunch whilst dad was asleep? This would be a worry for the 3 year old if not the 5 yo too!

I am sorry you have this problem! Does he actively want contact?

timeforabrewnow · 20/12/2015 15:29

I agree with Fairylea

PennyHasNoSurname · 20/12/2015 15:31

I would just be matter of fact about it. "dc have said whilst they are there you dont feed them or make them wait ages for a meal. Also that you spend the time they are there in bed. As of now I am changi g the contact so you are welcome to collect the dcs from school on X day and have them back to me for dinner at half five, and then on Saturday you can collect them after breakfast at 9 and have them back to me for lunch at 12.30.

If you are not happy with this arrangement then feel free to start the process of getting a Court Order."

Obvs put in days abd times that work for you.

Original poster

mytimewillcome · 20/12/2015 20:35

He does want contact but I do wonder whether it's more for his family rather than for himself. When I told social services about him sleeping rather than giving our son breakfast they didn't bat an eyelid. When he turned up drunk at the nursery and the nursery refused to let him take the children, social services actually said that the nursery were at fault for not calling the police and breathalising him! I am now at the point where social services have so undermined me that I'm confused as to what I can do. I think the idea of him taking the children for only a few hours is a good one. I agreed to let him take my older son to his parents for Christmas for 4 days. Do I stop that as well? He would have to drive hundreds of miles.

OP posts:

Yourface · 20/12/2015 21:55

Based on what you have said, he sounds so incredibly irresponsible that the idea of him driving them so far away from you, sounds terrifying. The sleeping, lack of supervision, drunkeness make him sound a really unfit parent. I'd be worried about him being able to meet their basic needs. If you are legally able to stop him, I would. It would be better for his parents to collect or for you to meet half way.

Original poster

mytimewillcome · 21/12/2015 11:12

I have said to him that he can only have them between lunch and dinner on his next contact and he is refusing. He said that he hurt his back so he was laying in bed and he was awake the whole time. He managed to drive them to the house and back. This is what I have to put up with constantly.

OP posts:

PennyHasNoSurname · 21/12/2015 11:18

My response would be "take it or leave it. You neglected the dcs. Their wellbeing is paramount"

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