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Lone parents

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Original poster

About to become a single mum of three.... Advice.

20 replies

MummyIsMagic79 · 14/11/2015 08:58

My husband is about to move out. We have told the children. They are 9, 6 and almost 3.
I need to know everything! What to expect, what to avoid, how to manage when they are upset, how to manage when they are angry.
Can anyone help me out with experiences please, I'd be very grateful.

Thanks.

OP posts:
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 14/11/2015 09:18

You best to start with the practical stuff as it's easier to deal with the emotional stuff if you don't have stress/pressure worrying about practical stuff!

Do you rent or have a mortgage? Do you work? Does your STBXH have accommodation lined up that's suitable for overnight stays for the DC? Have you worked out contact pattern? Do you have family nearby or are you not close to anyone who can be a support for you?

Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 14/11/2015 09:22

Thank you for replying.

I rent, I will be staying where we are. Husband has a place lined up about a mile away. I work part time and it's child friendly hours, so shouldn't be a problem. We haven't worked out a contact pattern. We've said he can see them as and when he wants at first. My parents are a great support and live ten minutes away. Also have great friends. I'm very very sad and particularly worried about my eldest son.

OP posts:
pertempsnooo · 14/11/2015 09:28

Have you agreed an amount of child support he will pay you every month?
It does make a difference whether one or both of you has found someone else. If not, at this stage it is hard to predict how each other will respond if/ when that happens. I remember at this point thinking my ex would be ok when I found someone else. How naive I was.

Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 14/11/2015 09:42

Nobody else is involved.

OP posts:
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 14/11/2015 09:59

If you can get your budget worked out, it makes life easier knowing you have all your bills/expenses covered - ensure rental agreement in your sole name when ex moves out. Sort out all your benefit claims - housing benefit/tax credits. Use http://www.entitledto.co.uk to get an idea as to what you are entitled to, so you can work out your budget. If you know your ex's salary, work out from CMS calculator what the minimum support he would have to pay, so you can work out if this covers everything you'll need for DC.

As for your DC and how they deal with things - I found being positive with my DD helped her come to terms with the changes easier. She was only 3 but I made sure she saw I was happy/comfortable with her dad, in his company & with her bring in his company. If you are most worried about your eldest, I'm not an expert but making sure you talk to him & listen to him & his worries- if you can reassure him when he needs it & let him know it's OK to feel x or y, & help him work through those feeling to get to a positive outcome, it might help. Things like 'I worry I won't see my dad when I want' you can say, he can talk to him when he needs to & he can see him when he needs to if he's around etc.

I don't know if that helps but while it's always difficult getting through a separation, you can make it positive if it's really for the best & everyone is less stressed & upset living under the same roof. I think always being able to listen & hear their worries & fears is your main aim so you can help them not store it all up.

Artandco · 14/11/2015 10:10
  • sort out a contact contract. Otherwise it's fine saying whenever but realistically will be annoying if one of you makes plans and the others does also expecting them to be available. Especially for things like school events or parties etc that are in advance.
  • arrange payments from him for the children, especially if your not having 50/50 arrangements
somersetsoul · 14/11/2015 17:29

Get your finances in order, agree contact and make sure its stuck to, expect anger from your children and plan things to keep you all busy.

I found Sundays were the worst day for a while. I wish I had made lots of plans.

Expect to go through a lot of emotions for a while.

But always remember - It does get easier and you will be happy. I am now 3 years in and I love my single life! My children are happy and exdp and I now get along! Post on here as much as you need to if you have questions, there are lots of us in your position who have been there x

somersetsoul · 14/11/2015 17:30

Also, one of the best things I did was to move house! It was costly but I also rent. It gave us a fresh start and new memories. I have since moved to a new town which is even better :)

Homely1 · 14/11/2015 22:40

What wonderful posters and great advice! You are so strong! I'm in a mess re contact.

I would have things laid out in black and white. Please excuse my cynicism, bug people can turn and become petty so I would say that you need some ground rules xxx

MrsDiesel · 14/11/2015 22:46

I have been a lone parent for the last year and my 3 were the same age as yours. I can honestly say ours is a happier house and now we are in the swing of it, I find it generally easier too. Time is the greatest thing.
I would say the same as previous posters about trying to be friendly with your ex so the children don't feel that their loyalties are torn. Encourage lots of phone contact and sort out set days so everyone knows where they are. It will be easier for the children to manage if they know they will regularly see their sad and the uncertainty is taken out of the situation.

MrsDiesel · 14/11/2015 22:48

Oh just to add, I took mine abroad this year on my own and it was the best thing I ever did. We had a brilliant chilled out holiday. Have faith in yourself that you can cope.

Hassled · 14/11/2015 22:51

I was a single parent to 2 many years ago and in lots of ways it was easier. I think once you've got your head around the fact it is just you and have no other expectations, you just get on with it in a way you don't when you're always half-thinking "well, X could sort bath-time if he wasn't such a wanker" or whatever. You find a routine and you cope. You'll be OK - best of luck.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/11/2015 23:03

Mine were slightly older than your 3, but similar situation. They have all coped fine, see their dad once a week, get on well with their dad's gf and my bf (neither of whom were involved with the split).

I agree about formalising contact and finances. It might be amicable now, but even the most friendly exes can fall out if one of them feels the other is being financially irresponsible or not paying their way, or if one of them feels they are doing more than their fair share of childcare.

Both my dp and I have occasional issues with our exes about money and time off despite generally getting on pretty well. Having continuity is good for you as well as the children, so you can plan things for your days off as well as for your DCs. It will be important for you to get out and meet new people, which won't be easy if you're not sure when your ex can be there for the DCs.

It is also confusing for the DCs if he is around all the time and may suggest to them that the split isn't permanent. Everyone needs to find new routines and settle into their new situation.

somersetsoul · 15/11/2015 10:33

I second that about holidays! I have taken my two on holidays in the UK to 'test' it!! Both were fine so I have now booked DLP for next summer! It really makes you feel good when you can do things on your own like that :)

Sort that contact out asap. That confused my two because it was very random. Now we are in a routine its great for all of us.

Savagebeauty · 15/11/2015 10:36

Never ever slag him off or be negative about him in front of the dcs, even when he is being a knob.
You can do that with your friends.
Stay emotionally detached from him.

Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 21/11/2015 21:25

Thank you all so much. I'm stuck. I'm sorry I wasted your time.

OP posts:
MrsDiesel · 21/11/2015 21:32

Don't feel you wasted anyone's time. I hope you are OK. Please don't feel trapped, if you want to leave though it may be hard there will be a way to do it. Can you get any support in real life?

BiscuitMillionaire · 21/11/2015 21:36

What do you mean, you're stuck?

Toffeelatteplease · 21/11/2015 21:48

On a few slightly different notes

Always have in the house:
Paracetamol
Children's paracetamol
Ibruprofen
Children's Ibruprofen
£20 note (enough to cover a taxi to the nearest hospital even that's not what you end up using it for)
Long life carton of milk
Bread muffin waffles or scones in the freezer
The number of a taxi, your doctor, nhs direct
A cool pack in the freezer

I have the first half of the list stashed in the car also

Sit down every six months to a year and think about what worked, what didn't, what has changed, is there anything needs to be done, what have I enjoyed most and (with the kids) what they have enjoyed the most. It's easy not to notice these things when you are on your own.

Take the kids out to eat every now and then (even if it is just your local supermarket) to take a break from deciding what you all want to eat

Marilynsbigsister · 22/11/2015 08:33

Are you Ok OP ? What do you mean 'stuck'. Have you come up against a problem that means you believe you can't separate ?

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