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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Xp asked if I would consider him having the kids for 6mths and then me for 6mths and so

29 replies

nutcracker · 07/12/2006 14:02

Afterwards he said he didn't mean it, but i think he did.

It just came right out of the blue, after him not seeing them for 3 weeks, he just said, if he got himself sorted out with a job etc and a place to live round here, would i consider him having them for 6 mths and then me and so on and so on.

I think the colour pretty much drained from my face in about 2 seconds flat and then i recovered enough to say, over my dead body.

He said why not and I said because they are my kids and what the hell would i do without them, to which he said obviously, they are his kids too and what do i think he does without them.

He then said, he didn't really mean it and would never do that to me, and I said well don't ever say it then, and added that i'd never allow it anyway.

OP posts:

jampots · 07/12/2006 14:04

crikey nutty - agree with you

sandyballs · 07/12/2006 14:04

God, far too disruptive for kids I'd say.

Original poster

nutcracker · 07/12/2006 14:05

Obviously though it's pie in the sky, cos he will never sort himself out anyway.

Although apparently he has signed up for a new deal scheme to try and get back into work

The thought of it made me feel quite ill though tbh.

OP posts:

FestiveFrex · 07/12/2006 14:07

I do know of children whose parents have shared care, but it is on a one week here/one week there basis, certainly not months. And the children involved are considerably older than yours.

I can't see any court agreeing to his suggestion, particularly with children the ages of yours.

If he is so keen to see them, why doesn't he sort out some regular contact routine?

Original poster

nutcracker · 07/12/2006 14:09

Well exactly FF, as usual he was thinking of himself not the kids.
At the moment he sees them roughly every 2/3 weeks for about an hour at a time sometimes longer.

He probably said it to scare me as he knows a custody battle is one of my worst fears as I went through one as a child, not to mention the fact that he knows full well that my kids are my life especially at the moment.

OP posts:

thebecster · 07/12/2006 14:12

I had a friend at uni whose parents did this after divorce. She spent 6 months of the year with her Mom in New York then 6 months with her Dad in Los Angeles. She & her brother flew back & forth in First Class and were met by nannies at the airport terminal... I always thought it was the saddest thing I'd ever heard, she grew up with everything you could want financially but was very insecure and never felt that she had a 'home'. Stick to your guns nutty. It sounds like it's just a fantasy on his part anyway.

FestiveFrex · 07/12/2006 14:13

Why does he feel the need to frighten you? Could you point out that, in order to have a decent working relationship between you, he needs to accept what has happened and work with you, not spend his time trying to unsettle you? He needs to see that the children benefit from having a secure, confident mother, not one who is a nervous wreck because of his attempts to undermine you.

Original poster

nutcracker · 07/12/2006 14:14

Oh i will, tbh I don't think he will ever mention it again though.

I think in some circumstances that yeah it could work with some people, perhaps with older kids, busy lives etc, but not with kids of my kids ages. Ds gets confused enough as it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 07/12/2006 14:16

He is just an arse basically.

He said, if he gets a job would i let him buy me a new computer. I said NO, i have told you before that if you want to do something for me, sort yourself out, get a job, a decent flat and have regular decent contact with your kids.

OP posts:

CorrieDale · 07/12/2006 14:17

Way way way too disruptive for the kids. What the courts would call 'a parent's solution' - i.e. one that makes the non-resident parent happy but the child feels utterly rootless. What an arse!

NAB3 · 07/12/2006 14:18

LittleSarah · 07/12/2006 14:20

Madness! Does he live far away? That is the only time I could even begin to understand such a suggestion!

These little hurt the ex remarks eh?

I said to my ex recently that there may be a day when I would move away with dd, to another city in UK not to another country, and he said, 'no you won't, because it is not what is best for Molly...'

Well, I think I am the judge of that, being the parent with the most care but I did say it partially to shock him!

Original poster

nutcracker · 07/12/2006 14:22

He lives a short bus ride away, but apparently can not afford the bus fare to see the kids very often.

Goes to the pub with his son from his first marriage every friday though.

OP posts:

bundle · 07/12/2006 14:27

if he can't afford the bus fare he should walk

Original poster

nutcracker · 07/12/2006 14:32

Thats what I said Bundle, i didn't get a reply though

OP posts:

LittleSarah · 07/12/2006 14:34

I mean really, he barely bothers to visit and then suggest 50/50 custody, I would have been tempted to laugh in his face!

bundle · 07/12/2006 15:08

nutty, I really don't think you should waste any more energy on him, it's his loss and no one in their right mind would agree to this sort of agreement. my sister's little girl spends 2 or 3 nights a week with her dad, but he lives near to her school etc.

7swansaswimmingup · 07/12/2006 15:30

hope you ok nutty, hes still giving you grief then.

what is it with these blokes that want to hurt us through our kids, i just dont understand it

Original poster

nutcracker · 07/12/2006 16:40

If he lived near by and had a job and a decent place to live in then he could see tham as much as he liked, have them fri-mon or whatever, but the point is, he doesn't have anywhere decent to live and won't until he gets a job which he probably won't.

Am going to try and forget he ever said i think.

OP posts:

CorrieDale · 07/12/2006 18:15

Good plan Nutcracker. And i'd also stop worrying about any possible future custody battles. He clearly has no intention of ever applying and even if he did so in a fit of pique, he wouldn't get very far with it.

I repeat: what an arse.

charliecat · 07/12/2006 18:19

I think, hes been talking to someone, who has said if he had the kids 50/50 he would get half the child tax credit/benefit

Original poster

nutcracker · 07/12/2006 20:38

His brother in law went for custody of his two kids and won which is what worries me a bit. I think thats where he may have had the idea from.

If he ever got custody of the kids it would kill me though and tbh I don't think he is that nasty whatever the rest of his faults.

I dunno, am gonna forget it anyway, or try to.

OP posts:

AMAZINWOMAN · 07/12/2006 21:35

my ex is an arse just like yours!!

my ex said he wanted custody of the kids too, but can't be bothered getting a job, seeing them, never has bus fare (but always money for smoking) etc

i think he said he it cos he was bitter-he knew kids were happy with me andhe just wanted to drag me down. the only way he could do it was by saying that.

hopefully your ex is just bitter too

tiredemma · 08/12/2006 07:29

Nutty, he would have more chance of securing a high flying job in London, with Pamela Anderson as his P.A and earning £500k per year, than he would of gaining custody of your kids. ie no chance. He would struggle to convince the dogs home that he could look after a dog.

Do not even contemplate that he could get custody of them, it just would not be possible. You should not even be thinking of this and worrying about it.

Im amazed at any man that would think that you would want to share kids on a six month on/six month off basis, that alone shows that he is incapable of looking after his kids best interests, he would seriously fuck thier heads up.

Im sure he suggests all of these bizarre things to wind you up.

drosophila · 08/12/2006 07:54

I worked with a woman who had her son half a week and her ex had him the rest of the week. Strangly it seemed to work out ok except for homework. Her ex was far more relaxed about homework. He lived close by and was working.

I do wonder if the fact that she had the affair made a difference.

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