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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Fathers access rights

83 replies

lolly1988 · 26/08/2015 20:15

Hi there,
I've recently split with DC dad.. He is being a bit of an arse about access, not sure where I stand with it all.. I'm happy for him to see him every Saturday as I work, but it seems that's not enough now, I'm also thinking of relocating to another county where my family are for support and the area seems a lot better for my child. It's only an hour and a half away so nothing major.. Where do I stand with this too? Will I need his permission?
Any information would be great!

OP posts:

tigerscameatnight · 27/08/2015 14:01

Huh? Why as the board gone to shit because people are suggesting a father who op hasn't at this point said he is a bad father should have decent access to his child.

And I say this as someone who is dealing with contact.

tigerscameatnight · 27/08/2015 14:01

*has

BlahBlahUsername · 27/08/2015 14:06

Raising a child even 50% is never cheaper than what most men are paying in child support so that is a daft idea really. Your relative is an idiot.

Yes, she is. But there have been plenty of threads on here about fathers with equal or equalish access who never buy clothes or pay for school trips, and expect their children to arrive for their half of the week with everything they will need. Providing cereal and milk for breakfast, and dinner 3/4 nights a week could work out at only a tenner a week...

StanSmithsChin · 27/08/2015 14:15

Then in those cases I would be straight back to court stating that the children are not being cared for properly by the other parent.

I know some men are arseholes who don't deserve their children and we see evidence of that a lot on this board, I just feel it is only fair to point out not all fathers who want 50 50 will treat their children that way.

Shutthatdoor · 27/08/2015 17:57

I'm heart sick of people spouting nonsense about 50-50 now being the starting point . That is RUBBISH being promoted on here by people with an agenda. It is not true that it's considered the norm

It seems you are coming across as the one with an 'agenda'

Actually it is becoming more the norm and courts are advocating it more and more.

Unless there are safeguarding issues why the hell can't it be 50:50!?

whattodohatethis · 27/08/2015 18:28

Why shouldn't it be 50/50?
What, because the mum has a womb suddenly she's automatically the superior person who deserves more time? That isn't how it works.
If a dad is a decent dad then they deserve time just as much as the mum does.

If a gay couple were going through a divorce nobody would bat an eyelid at 50/50 access. Gender shouldn't make a difference.

WLTMEET · 27/08/2015 19:28

That analogy about gay parents is weird. Who mentioned gender here?
In fact, who mentioned the superiority of mothers or (apart from the op) the fact that this father shouldn't get 50-50? Certainly not me and in fact, the ranting on this board proves my point that this board has become a wholly unsupportive place to be. At no point did i express an opinion either way about 50:50 arrangements. You have no idea what my views on 50:50 are. None whatsoever. What I said is that I was sick of hearing people on MN saying it's the 'norm' when it isn't. Read my words before you start ranting and raving about what you've assumed are my opinions are regarding access arrangements for children.

StanSmithsChin · 27/08/2015 19:43

Your post was very loaded WLT and you know it....hence you back tracking.

Arsenic · 27/08/2015 19:53

It's all very well starting from a presumption of 50/50 IF that is what the parenting split was in the relationship.

However if (for e.g.) the DF has been distant and hands off and the DM has done 90% of the parenting, it's hard to see that 50/50 residence and a mother with no support network is in the interests of any child.

I hope you're ok OP, despite the pile-in

Funinthesun15 · 27/08/2015 19:58

Your post was very loaded WLT and you know it....hence you back tracking.

I agree

wafflyversatile · 27/08/2015 22:43

Arsenic, read your own post. You start with 50/50 then look at the individual situation and adjust accordingly.

Where would you suggest the starting point was, if not 50/50?

m1nniedriver · 27/08/2015 23:19

Funny. There was a post on SP board about a mother who was considering moving to a different country with the OPs SC. The majority of replys suggested OPs DP suck it up because obviously the mother was doing what was best for the kids he could see them in holidays. I remember 1 poster calling the father a selfish twat because he was going to stop them . seems common sense has prevailed on this post. It's not your right to move your child away from his father. It's selfish!

WLTMEET · 28/08/2015 00:56

Stan- have you appointed yourself as keeper of this board? First you're telling me to 'take a break' from MN, then you're declaring that I've backtracked. On what grounds would I have, to backtrack to you or anyone on here- pure strangers to me? You want to join in with the sensationalist alarmist and completely non factional bullshit spouted on here and its been challenged. Call that whatever you will, it's inconsequential to me.!

Arsenic · 28/08/2015 03:07

For very hands-off dads (or mums), the trad EOW + Weds eve would be a good starting point waffly. And let them justify more or build up.

I think the rush to yell about 50/50 scared OP away from her own thread here.

StanSmithsChin · 28/08/2015 06:29

I have appointed myself keeper It wasn't me who came on hysterically shouting the board has gone to shit and calling posters liars. WLT you can point the finger all you like but it was quite clear you were the one with an agenda.

Arsenic there was actually no rush to yell 50 50 it was actually the OP who mentioned it first not posters. They just confirmed that it is more common and does get granted these days. The OP left the thread because people didn't agree that her ex is an arse simply because he wants more than a few hours a week to see his child.

Macadaamia · 28/08/2015 06:43

Still don't see why he's an arse..... She clearly expected everyone to agree with her and tell her it's fine to move. Thank God for the more knowledgeable people here! Good to see the lone parents board is improving

Arsenic · 28/08/2015 06:50

I'm sure OP needed a few things pointed out but I got the impression she was scared off by some posters' macadaamia's crazy posting.

That would be before WLT's crazy posting

I'll read it again though. I could be wrong

StanSmithsChin · 28/08/2015 07:03

Everyone is posting crazzzzyyyyy.

Arsenic · 28/08/2015 07:06

I still want to know how the ex is being an arse. I suppose we won't know now

Bellemere · 28/08/2015 08:17

What has 50/50 or whether a father was "hands off" before the split got to do with the mothers support network?
I think plenty of fathers become more involved after a separation. My both husband and ex husband have. For both, their role prior to separation was breadwinner and it was mutually agreed that they would work long hours and provide financially while the wife/mother in both scenarios would stay at home and raise the children. This changed immediately on separation for all sorts of reasons - not least because divorce can be a wake up call. Certainly for my husband (with his ex and my stepchildren) and my ex husband (and my children) all of us have realised that money takes a back seat and all of us have adjusted how we walk to achieve a better work life balance - this is particularly important when you only get to spend 1:2 weekends with your children.

Sometimes I feel there's too much cynicism and not enough benefit of the doubt, not just on this board but in society. Yes there are some crappy parents and I do not make excuses for them but generally people are doing the best that they can.

Bellemere · 28/08/2015 08:18

Also I feel that if the OP had a genuine defence/reason to oppose 50:50 care she would have said so.

Arsenic · 28/08/2015 08:21

Also I feel that if the OP had a genuine defence/reason to oppose 50:50 care she would have said so

You think?

I think she forgot we didn't know the backstory.

Bellemere · 28/08/2015 08:23

Yes I do, rather than just having a go at posters being rude or whatever, I think she would have said "Actually it's because of xyz that I'm not keen". She as asked several times why he is an arse but did not explain.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 28/08/2015 08:33

bellemere your point about divorce being a wake up call is so important. I often read on these boards stories of couples where the man has been very hands off, focused on work and hobbies rather than an equal parent...and how his spouse resents this.
And, then, when the marriage ends, the father is berated for changing his priorities, and his motives are questioned for wanting to focus more on his DCs.

In the OPs case, the DC is very young, and even if the father hasn't been hands on up until this point, there would be no long term damage done by changing that and him becoming an equal carer in his DCs life now.

We often read on MN about couples who change roles - a SAHM who becomes the main breadwinner, sometimes forced by redundancy. There is no suggestion that the DCs will be traumatised in those cases.

tigerscameatnight · 28/08/2015 10:06

This thread is nuts, it almost reads as a thread to cause trouble and try and prove we are the man haters certain people think that went very wrong .

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