Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Fathers access rights

83 replies

lolly1988 · 26/08/2015 20:15

Hi there,
I've recently split with DC dad.. He is being a bit of an arse about access, not sure where I stand with it all.. I'm happy for him to see him every Saturday as I work, but it seems that's not enough now, I'm also thinking of relocating to another county where my family are for support and the area seems a lot better for my child. It's only an hour and a half away so nothing major.. Where do I stand with this too? Will I need his permission?
Any information would be great!

OP posts:
tigerscameatnight · 26/08/2015 21:24

No judging here just honesty. He could get prohibited steps order and he could stop you moving particularly if he wants 50/50 access and he feels you moving county would affect that. I don't know what to suggest really. Do you both drive?

DrDreReturns · 26/08/2015 21:26

Are you in the UK? You say you want to move to another country, I don't know much about these scenarios but would that be allowed if you are sharing custody? I have to say it seems harsh for your ex, not to mention a PITA going across a border whenever your child went to see his Dad.

RedToothBrush · 26/08/2015 21:28

I've recently split with DC dad.. He is being a bit of an arse about access, not sure where I stand with it all.. I'm happy for him to see him every Saturday as I work, but it seems that's not enough now, I'm also thinking of relocating to another county where my family are for support and the area seems a lot better for my child.

Now can we start again and rephrase that.

I've recently split with DC dad.. He is keen to have access, but I'm not sure where my DS stand with it all..I'd like DS to see his father as often as possible in order to have a good relationship with him. I have support in another county where my family are but I'm not sure whether its best to have support from them or for us to work on our relationship so my son's has both parents around for support.

Your opening paragraph is all about YOU and your wants and needs and fuck all about your son or his father. You need to readjust your thinking and start thinking about things in terms of your son rather than your own priorities. Too many I and my not enough wes and ours. Your son is NOT your property.

Shutthatdoor · 26/08/2015 21:31

Everything redtoothbrush says.

longdiling · 26/08/2015 21:32

Well lolly, we could all agree that your ex is an arse and assure you that you have every right to move so far away and only allow one day of access but that would be really shit advice. You'd be in for a shock if it went to mediation/court and you found that in the real world noone agreed with you. Maybe you should speak to a solicitor specialising in family law and see what advice they give.

tigerscameatnight · 26/08/2015 21:33

Op wants to move county not country DeDre. It's still a pain though

DrDreReturns · 26/08/2015 21:35

Sorry, apologies.

Lonecatwithkitten · 26/08/2015 21:42

The advice I have given you about parents having no rights only responsibilities was one of the first things my solicitor said to me.
You are hurt by the relationship ending, but when you have a DC with that person you gave to put all your feelings aside and consider really long and really hard what is best for your DC. It is tough.
You have a little bit of tough love here tonight, but it is all meant kindly to prevent you from having a nasty shock if you end up in mediation or even court.

whattodohatethis · 26/08/2015 22:03

50/50 is not him being an arse.
Does sound like you are being an arse and are preventing him from seeing his son because it is inconvenient to you.

Put your own feelings aside and start thinking about your child

happymummyone · 26/08/2015 22:19

Prioritise your DSs relationship with his father over moving away. It's not fair on either of them. And if you're moving to another country, regardless of distance you will need your XHs permission. A saturday is fine but what about alternate Sunday's and one evening a week on top of that?

wafflyversatile · 26/08/2015 22:35

county not country.

happymummyone · 26/08/2015 22:38

Sorry county. Still, I wouldn't do it. My DD adores her DF. If I want to move away I can wait until she is an adult. Her seeing her dad regularly is good for all of us. I can understand that's it's a new split though and it's really flipping hard to make the right decision when you're feeling emotionally raw.

Stompylongnose · 26/08/2015 22:57

My ex moved 2 hours away when we split and my children hated travelling to his home. Is there anyway you could persuade your ex to move too? (I also suspect you realise that there's double standards and the nrp can move away and people don't judge them as much as a RP moving away)

Will your move mean that your son moves closer or further away from his paternal extended family? If the move is closer, it might help you convince your ex that it's in everyone's interests.

When my ex moved away, he did all driving and drop offs even though a court would have ordinarily made me do half the driving. Don't forget to factor in the time and expense of doing this regularly.

If you move away,you'd also have to consider letting your ex have your son for longer periods so that your son can avoid being constantly stuck in a car. In which case, it would probably be best to get your son getting used to say every other weekend with his Dad (pick up Fri from nursery to Sunday) which fits with him seeing your son more often. (normally he'd be entitled to a mid week meeting with his Dad too)

wafflyversatile · 26/08/2015 23:11

How is every other weekend a 'longer period'? It's considerably shorter than 50/50.

whattodohatethis · 26/08/2015 23:14

Why should his dad settle for every other weekend?
Every other weekend isn't a fair compromise for when he wants 50/50

If wanting 50/50 is the only reason he is "an ass" (and I've not seen anything to say otherwise) then the OP should really be looking at offering more than every other weekend.
Especially since he currently has every Saturday. Why would you switch from seeing your child weekly to seeing them fortnightly? Yes, same amount of time overall, but fortnightly sucks

WLTMEET · 27/08/2015 11:54

The lone parent board has gone to shit

WLTMEET · 27/08/2015 11:57

And seriously, leaving the OP aside (because I don't particularly think she's being fair) but I'm heart sick of people spouting nonsense about 50-50 now being the starting point . That is RUBBISH being promoted on here by people with an agenda. It is not true that it's considered the norm, especially not for toddlers or babies. People should not be preaching this as if it were a fact.

StanSmithsChin · 27/08/2015 12:24

Why shouldn't it be the norm?
I have 50 50 and nobody was preaching it, just stating that the father can ask for it. Actually 50 50 is becoming popular and so it should be.
Is the loan parenting board only for people who don't think contact with fathers should be more than a few hours a week Hmm

Macadaamia · 27/08/2015 12:50

Toddlers/babies are not toddlers and babies for long! Think beyond that

And if anything toddlers/babies need MORE contact to build a relationship not less!

Yes, lone parent boards have changed because it's 2015 and contact blocking is no longer promoted or encouraged here.... But I think that's a GOOD thing

BlahBlahUsername · 27/08/2015 13:13

Does he pay maintenance? A lot of men have cottoned on to the fact that 50/50 means no child support. #NotALLMen, I know, but some of them definitely. I was at a BBQ on the weekend and heard a relative advising her sons friend (bad split from girlfriend with newborn) to organize 50/50 access asap because it would be cheaper than 'giving her money' for 18 years.

StanSmithsChin · 27/08/2015 13:16

Raising a child even 50% is never cheaper than what most men are paying in child support so that is a daft idea really. Your relative is an idiot.

Besides just because some men may think that doesn't mean every father who wants 50 50 does so to ensure they don't pay maintenance.

DixieNormas · 27/08/2015 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WLTMEET · 27/08/2015 13:40

Read my post. I said it's not the 'norm' and spouting it as if it were a fact is rubbish. Every case is different and it's disingenuous to say the least that someone on here is lambasted for enquiring as to anything less. Yes the line parent board had changed because it's full of vipers snarling at anyone navigating the often frightening world of contact arrangements, which is then compounded by heaping some lies on top about 'what is the norm'.

StanSmithsChin · 27/08/2015 13:46

Get over yourself nobody is snarling.

Yes every case is different and 50 50 is the norm for some people and more fathers are asking for it so I don't think it is wrong for the OP to be aware of that. The only viper on here is you WLT maybe it is time you had a break from MN < head tilt >

wafflyversatile · 27/08/2015 13:50

Agenda? What agenda? Fairness? The best interests of the child? Logic? How awful. Shock Anyone who sees child custody as a matter of the mother automatically gets custody and decides how much access the father gets is the one with the agenda.

50/50 is the only sensible starting point for discussions then look at the individual and changing situations to reason for other splits.

Some parents won't want 50%. A breastfeeding baby, geography, working hours and patterns, domestic abuse, safeguarding issues, and many other things will influence what the actual ratio ends up as. And it can change over the years.

No caring father should accept a situation where the mother assumes full custody and sole decision making power over access.

Swipe left for the next trending thread