just had letter off sols really need advicepleaseurgent

[7up]

my hands are shaking,ims o upsetand pissedoff with my ex. he hashadone contact visit cancelled because ds was sick and ive just had a sols letter from his asking togo back to court on 21st dec

7up sorry you're not getting the support you need darlin; i think your x is being totally unfair and you obviously do ALL the work with regard to looking after your DS and all he's concerned about is his 'rights' rather than your DS's best interests.

but the one piece of advice you MUST follow is to keep calm. seriously. men like this can be experts at making you appear the crazy one and them appear the one in control - actually the opposite of the truth.

i wish i could be more help. haven't been thru the courts as have always managed to keep it away, so can't be much help there. but i do know that you just need to stay calm and together, and focus on DS.

dont' take any notice of the 'unfit mother' threat - i had that thrown at me enough times when things were bad - still do occasionally by my own mother if she thinks i'm not coping

seriously just shrug it off. you know you do an amazing job.

CAT me anytime if you need.

hope this helps.

(it's cath by the way i changed my name little while ago)

thanks rainbow

glitterfairy,i havent got your email anymore, my computer got a bug and all my info got wiped

oh hi cath

hiya i hate it when people end up making you feel worse rather than better.. it sucks doesn't it?! don't think they do it on purpose tho...

7up, what exactly does the solicitor's letter say? Usually if there is an application submitted to the court, it sets out what they are applying for. Have you been sent a copy of the application or just received a letter saying there is a hearing on that date?

hiya freckle

it basically states that he feels his relationship with liam has broken down. this i presume is because for the last month or so liam has mainly been unwell and when youre unwell you dont really like visitors and want your main care giver which in this case is mummy. so i think hes blaming me for liam been sick?

it says he wants to revert back to the crappy cafcass report which she mentioned unsupervised in it providing liam was well and healthy.which he isnt.

hes just been on the phone ranting and ranting and ive reminded him that both boys and my mother witnessed his aggression and i will let the courts know that. he retaliated with the unfit mother comment?!

oh ivejust looked again and its a directions appointment?

I would send a very calm and reasoned letter back to the solicitor.

State that, out of 19 possible contact visits, only one has been cancelled due to the ill health of your son. You can mention that, on some occasions, your son has been unwell, but you have allowed the contact visit to continue. Obviously, a small child when unwell tends to want their main carer so your son was rather clingy. You did not however end the visit earlier than normal. You could say that you feel applying back to the court after only one missed visit is an abuse of the court process and a huge waste of everyone's time and money.

If their client wants to change the contact order, would it not be more sensible to speak to you about it first rather than simply jumping in with court proceedings?

Keep a copy of the letter and, if necessary, produce it in court to show that you have been calm and reasonable and that he's a trigger-happy litigant.

so do you mean for me not to ring my solicitor yet and write a letter MYSELF to his solicitor freckle?

what about the directions hearing, would i need legal aid to go, i wouldnt want to go alone because i would shake and feel very intimidated and probably cry knowing me

just remembered something elsehe shouted down the phone to me that liam is bored in the house all day and that i never take him out!

pratt, he just doesnt get it that liam is laid on the sofa most days and might have a little play then laying down again. mum tries to take him to toddlers on a tuesday afternoon but 9times out of 10 has to cut it short because he wants to come home where he doesnt feel right.

he loves going to the park when hes having a good day and loves it at the farm with my mum. HE was saying "i can take him out and show him things and do stuff with him that you cant", he just doesnt get it that his son is not a well boy

I would send the letter personally, but give a copy of both letters to your own solicitor and speak to him/her about it.

Can you make an appointment with your GP to discuss ds's health problems and get his opinion on how fit he is to go out and about. Perhaps the GP would be happy to write a report supporting your position.

How on earth does your ex know what you do with your child all week anyway? Is he stalking you and making notes of when you leave the house with ds?

i dont know whats hes playing at freckle,hes probably taking pics of me

i think im gona have to play hard ball now to protect myself because hes just phoned up again to say hes going for unsupervised and what hes going to slag me off about. i can understand himwanting unsupervised but he really isnt thinking of poor ds, we had agreed amicably that we would take things slowly and once liam had trust inhim we would build on that so that he could learn about his needs and eventually take him out alone.

ive just told him on the phone that i will be telling my solicitor that i would not trust him to keep my son safe. hes visiting tuesday as normal, ive told him ive never stopped visits and wont be.

i am worried that the judge will let have ds and ds will not be caredfor properly even if only for a few hours.do you think they will change the order in decemeber?

thanks for all these replies, typical that the letter came on saturday by recorded delivery aswell, they probably planned that so that id have all weekend to stew on it!

If it's only a directions hearing in December, probably nothing concrete will happen then. It's just for the court to ascertain what information/documents need to be prepared for the actual hearing. You should have plenty of time to get your solicitor up to speed.

Thing is, if the original order was only made in August, ex really needs to show the court what has changed since then to justify amending the order. You need to get as much information as possible together regarding ds's medical problems and what sort of care he requires to show the court that your ex is not in a position to provide that care yet.

oh i see, thanks freckle, last question.so you dont think anything will change in december and there will be another hearing after xmas when itwill be decided? do you know how long you have to wait for the 2nd hearing i cant remember!

ds has just woken up from 2halfhour sleep! going to take him for a walk as he seems ok and obviously im "not stimulating him enough" as my ex has pointed out

That will depend on the court diary and when a slot can be found. It's very difficult to predict when an appointment will be available.

Speak to your solicitor on Monday. See if you need to apply for legal aid and take it from there.

7up is your son under the care of a peadiatrician. Is there anything official you can get setting out the sorts of care that your son needs. Is Liam in receipt of DLA (or is Liam too young? Agh can't remember the age limits- if he was it kind of sends an official message that a higher level of care is needed than normal- might be worth looking into.

hi jimjams, he has 2 paediatricians and has just been referred to London because its quite complex controlling this illness and its so rare that he needs to see the "top dog" if you get my drift. ive had major trouble getting a diagnosis.

i did enquire when he was under 1 and i had to reduce my hours to care for him , about the help with money but after reading the forms i felt it would get me know where.

half the problem is that he cant communicate properly till he is speaking more so were not sure how hes feeling when hes unwell other than laying around like an invalid, not eating, sleeping loads and tapping his chest and saying "ow" a lot.

its bloody frustrating jimjams and he just doesnt take it seriously

7up, you need to get a report from your GP or paediatrician showing just how difficult it is to manage this condition. No court is going to order contact for a father if that contact will adversely affect the health of the child.

You will need to show that you are willing to allow more contact as the child becomes older and more able to communicate his needs to his carer, but really at his current age it is just not in his best interests to go off with someone who does not know how to deal with his condition.

thanks for that post freckle.im feeling more confident as the day has gone on

glad to hear you sounding stronger 7up

ah thanks cath , the more i think about it today and the positive support ive had on here, the more i think what an idiot he is and what its going to cost him again.it seems ridiculous to me whats hes doing but obviously not to him

hope you ok, my email [email protected]

ive just checked my calender for the last six weeks and liam was unwell for 2weeks from bad reaction to anaesthetic(had sickness/diarrohea), followed by a nasty urine/kidney infection which required 2 lots of antibiotics,followed by a viral infection with a temp of 40deg, and now got temp with a stinking rotten cold.

do you think i should ask the doctor to print off how many visits we've made to the docs andall the phonecalls i make to them to show the judge that liam is unwell most of the time and thats not including his other health issues

7up have you taken your ex to talk to any of the doctors or authorised your child's doctors to speak to him? (not sure if they need that authority but it would look good to have done it). If not then I really would suggest you do so. You may hate this man but he is your son's father and the boy will need to see him until he's old enough to say whether he wants to or not. So you have to work on getting him to a position where he can look after his son. If you can show you are trying to make contact with his father safe for your son and the father is not understanding that the courts are not going to make a fuss. If it sounds like you might be using health issues to prevent contact they will.

I would also let the man see his son when he is sick - in fact I'd encourage him to visit then. How can he understand a sick child's needs unless he has experience of them? You'd probably find once he'd been puked on a few times he'd make less fuss.

morning tatt,

hes actually been on 2 of ds's hospital admissions over the last 6 weeks and i let him visit ds when hes sick so he can see what hes like but it just doesnt seem to sink in, hes more interested in gaining his "rights" to his son rather than thinking a sick child wouldnt want to be put in a car with a virtual stranger and not be able to tell that said person he feels ill.obviously i can understand his limited language as hes only 2 and ive cared for his illness since he was born and even now im stumped as to how to calm him down/help him.

my doctor even included in her letter to the court last year that ex didnt take liams health issues seriously and in no way was i using his health to stop any contact but i dont think the judge even read it.

sorry ive waffled and hes crying AGAIN