Divorcing very difficult ex with poss MH issues, please help me navigate regarding contact with children

[TeapotDictator]

Hello oh wise people

I've been separated for about 2 years from DCs dad. He has a history of mental instability and is very very controlling. The entire divorce process has been diabolical - despite the separation/divorce being instigated by him, he has wasted thousands upon thousands in legal fees through total and utter non-cooperation. He has tried to get me arrested, kicked out of the house, made groundless allegations to social services - all was finalised in the family courts last autumn and we came out, unsurprisingly, with a court order which reflected what I'd suggested was appropriate all along - the bog standard half the holidays and 3 nights EOW with midweek tea (to progress to midweek overnight when the children get a bit older).

I've never tried to keep him from the children, but was always the primary carer. He is in many ways a very good dad - in the sense that he is very loving. But he's not very well mentally, and can't cope with much. At the slightest provocation from me he stops seeing the children because he is too angry with me. Once I texted him asking why he was late, and apparently he was so stressed out by that he had to pull over in the car en route and sit there "waiting to calm down" for three hours with his phone switched off, before finally arriving. We are meant to sit and wait patiently (my two very young and excitable DC with their coats on) during all of this.

We've had two periods so far where he has been so stressed he stopped seeing them completely. This was pre-court order, and was because I refused to let him institute his own idea of contact. It was a totally untenable suggestion, but because I wouldn't do exactly what he wanted, he stopped seeing them. He told me afterwards he believed he was acting in the children's best interests because he believed that by agreeing to my EOW suggestion, he was setting the 'status quo' which would be held against him in court, so he believed not seeing them at all was better.

Sorry for the length of this post. Basically, the divorce finances are hotting up at the moment, which means there are going to be lots of things happening which upset/stress him out. Last weekend (ie. a week ago) was meant to be his weekend. We'd had a few cross words by email during the day on Friday, but nothing major. He didn't turn up. He then didn't communicate at all for 5 days, blocked me from calling him. I noticed activity on his FB account over the weekend and only due to that did I not feel the need to worry that something had happened. The next contact he made was on the Wednesday when he was meant to take the children for tea. He made no mention of the missing weekend (which was horrendous for the children and they are really distressed and confused) but simply said he was prepared to see them for his 1 hour to take them to tea on the condition that I did not discuss contact "past present or future". From past experience this kind of contact actually upsets the children more, particularly if at 'goodbye' time, he does not reassure them as to when they will be seeing him for sleepovers at his house. So I took a deep breath and wrote back saying that unless he could give me reassurance that he will be resuming normal contact as per the court order, I did not think the Weds tea was in their best interests. I need to know what is going on for their sake, and I cannot face more weekends ahead where the DC are just left sitting with their coats on on a Friday night with a no show Dad. I'm devastated for them.

Does anyone have any words of advice? I'd be so grateful. I find standing up to him tortuous - I have never met anybody more infuriating. He is so stubborn that he doesn't respond well at ALL to me putting any boundaries up, and would rather not see his children than "give in" to me. Another issue we have at the moment is half term - he is meant to be having them for the whole week (having let me down for his half of the previous half term - he asked for the whole week) but is refusing to respond to any questions on the subject. A week ago I said if I hadn't heard back in 7 days I'd have to assume he isn't having them and make other plans. I knew full well that if I gave that deadline he would just ignore it.

All help gratefully received! I'm at my wits end.

Unfortunately this is the drawback of court orders - they commit you (as the RP) far more than they do the NRP. And if you needed as defined an order as this one appears to be, then you should definitely stick to it.

I don't think you should withhold contact, and I'm frankly surprised that your sol would have suggested it. If you do, the focus of the court becomes getting their order followed, rather than a reconsideration of the contact. You would be much better sticking to the letter of the order, keeping good records about how often he does not comply (particularly when he doesn't let you or the DC know) and then applying to the court yourself (once a clear pattern has been established) for a variation, based on the fact he can't manage the amount of contact in the original order. You are already ahead of the game as he

I'd write to say as there have been numerous breaches of the order, you are going to be sticking to the wording of the order, including punctuality (eg if he is more than 20 mins late for contact without contacting you it won't go ahead). Have a treat waiting for them when they get home and sing out 'Hi kids, cookies in the kitchen, bye Dad' as soon as they arrive and shut the door on him. As far as holidays are concerned - give him x amount of time to come up with his preferences, with a default position - 'if I don't hear from you by xx I'll assume you are happy with these dates'. And then stick to them without guilt, keeping a record if this results in him not having them.

Thanks all.

balia yes that sounds like a good way to do it all. I'm kicking myself slightly re. this next half term. Because he hadn't had any of the previous half term, and had said he wanted the whole half term, I had emailed him asking what he wanted to do, ie. giving him options. Then I didn't hear back, so emailed again, and the final time I emailed giving a deadline but saying if I didn't hear back I'd assume he wasn't having them at all. I'm now a bit concerned this was the wrong thing to do, but I feel as though I'm 'damned if I do, damned if I don't'. Re all the other contact, I have indeed emailed saying that I'm sticking to the exact wording of the order and that if he isn't here by XX time without prior agreement then I'll assume he's not coming.

His tactic is definitely to try to starve me of contact to try to punish me. He has in the past said that he thinks I'm really controlling when it comes to contact with the children, when in fact the problem is just that he has to 'negotiate' (ie. as any normal pair of people do in any situation) with me. He hates that I have any control at all and sees my having any control as me being controlling. Not sure if that makes sense to others....

He's a dick. The kids will get wise in the end.

Not sure what happened to the end of my sentence, it should have been 'you're already ahead of the game because he has said himself he can't manage the school drop off'. And if he didn't want to deal with you, dropping them at school would be much easier for him, wouldn't it? Drama queen.

I would say, though, are you happy with your sol? Because I'm a bit that they would advise you to break a court order when there is another (less risky) way to go.

I've been very happy with my solicitor balia. It's hard to explain but he's been there throughout this very very protracted process and he knows exactly how insane H's behaviour is. We've had a S37 report (largely due to the fact H lied and said that I had threatened suicide - I've never done any such thing) so the final hearing was very comprehensive. H has a very complex history of abandoning the children and I have it clearly documented. It has ranged from 6 week periods of complete lack of contact when they were 3.5 through to the "three hours sitting in a lay by having turned his phone off" incidents where he takes umbrage at the slightest provocation and leaves me knowing that he is en route but not knowing what is going on.

I even had one weekend where he told me by text that he on the train on his way here, but if I didn't tell him straight away that I was going to drop my Financial Relief application (his Form E was due the following week; he'd had over 3 months to work on it) then he would get off at the next station and not see the girls. His justification was that in that case he wouldn't have time to see them and would need to spend the time working on his Form E. I didn't drop the application and he did get off at the next station.

I really appreciate having the forum to talk it all out here. We have had a decent weekend thankfully, although I have just had to endure both children at different points at bedtime coming to see me to talk about in one case being "heartbroken at missing Daddy" and in the other case asking me to phone Daddy to say that she wants to see him really soon. I say all the stock answers but it really is devastating for them.

Well glad you had a decent weekend....

My DS has said to me previously..Can you tell Daddy I am waiting to see me..He might of forgotten.. I have told him Your Daddy knows where you are if he wants to see you he has to arrange it..It isn't something I can arrange ...But it is so heartbreaking.

I can see he loves control...I feel so much for you it is such a shame the kids go through this because of his games..Sadly the only thing to do at this stage is documnt it and support the kids

Sorry you've had to go through it too Starlight. I can just see the pedestal crumbling in their minds. It's doubly upsetting to know that in his mind (my H's) it's my fault. I know from talking to him before that he truly believes that I am the one destroying his relationship with them.

One of the DC just said to me that Daddy told them at tea last week that he is not seeing them because he is cross with me, and that until I agree to drive them over to his house he doesn't want to see me. The court order clearly stipulates that he is to collect the DC from our house (we are en route to his house; it would take me up to an hour each way in rush hour Friday traffic to do the drive) but ever since we have recently fallen out he is back to this old argument. In his mind it is despicable that he should have to do the travel when I am not working and he is. Reading between the lines it sounds like he is saying that he won't see them weekends until I agree to do this travel. I honestly don't know how he can be thinking that this is going to do him any favours if we go back to court, other than that perhaps he thinks that he needs to show that it's impossible for him to do it. It isn't impossible at all, he was doing it perfectly easily until we fell out over the finances.

My DS hasn't seen his Dad in over 4 years now and is in a pretty ok place with it..Probably better than if his Dad had continued to cancel contact whenever it suited him..

One thing a male friend said to me once was that when have you ever heard a bloke in the pub say oh yes I got kids but I don't see them as I am such a useless Dad... I don't pay maintenance because I would rather piss my money away than support my own children...

Sadly there are many cases like yours in court and they will of seen this behaviour over and over again.

well he is going to look a right idiot in court isn't he?

((hugs)) keep on keeping on.

they are 5 right? it seems a bit excessive/advanced? to be constantly "heartbroken" at missing daddy. are they getting the language from him? do they use this kind of language about other things/people?

perhaps you can channel their feeling another way, say oh well we cant phone him right now/I am sorry you missing him, but why don't you draw a picture to give him next time? so acknowledge their feelings and let them write it down/draw it, ready to give to him.

was he really hands on when you were together?

after two years they should be somewhat used to him not being around when they with you?

tell them what dad feels [about you] is adult problem and not for them to worry about.

go to gp and discuss a referral for dc to play therapist/family therapist to help them deal with him coming and going.

cest - yes, they are 5. It's the first time I've heard either of them use the term 'heartbroken' and she used it roughly (but not precisely) in context. I'm sure there is a bit of (very typical 5 yr old) manipulation of these situations - in this case she had got out of bed after bedtime and it's very common for her to think of some Very Urgent Thing she needs to talk to me about

I don't think the way both of us have handled this have helped them to deal with it tbh because one thing that has been consistent is inconsistency. Although he has been very absent for much of their lives (working abroad, working very long hours, and also being very very difficult and depressed for much of the time and therefore opting out of family life) for the few months prior to him moving out he was unemployed and therefore around a lot of the time. As has been the way since, he varies between being extremely demonstrative and hands-on with them, and then disappearing. It's hideous for them. The two long no contact periods we had in the second half of 2013 left them insecure and it has taken a long time to get back to them feeling confident at handover time that they would soon see him again.

Before this recent falling out, we had been getting on very well, and I think this inadvertently just confused them again :( We had been spending time together as a family occasionally, and he was spending time in the house. I noticed that they started to talk about wanting us to get back together and I started to think that our behaviour was confusing for them. Alongside this I found out that his girlfriend (the OW) had written to the court (clearly sanctioned by him) trying to influence the outcome of the finances of our divorce. It brought home to me that we are NOT friends, and that I needed to put boundaries back in place, not just for me but for the children. Me doing this has caused this enormous backlash...

PS that is a great idea re. going to the GP. I have already spoken to a child psychotherapist but it wasn't quite the right thing. He has ranted on about how I am not allowed to get a referral for them for anything without his consent but somehow it doesn't seem right in this situation!

yep you spending time together and him being in the house would certainly confuse. especially now as you know he inconsistent.

maybe be a bit cynical about what they saying ... but if they are genuinely upset and heartbroken and they cannot function at school at home at play ...or they at risk of becoming very anxious... then some kind of "bereavement" play therapy (for the loss of the two parent home/for the loss of a consistent parent)

I'm very fortunate in that they are very happy, securely attached children cestla. They have settled in well at school, and are thriving. There are no behavioural issues, which I am incredibly thankful for. I just don't want to jeopardise their future chance at being well-adjusted and capable of having healthy adult relationships. I do think that partly I am struggling with this because of the reflection in my own situation - ie. here I am, coming out of a clearly dysfunctional relationship, trying to protect my girls from ending up in the same situation.

if they are happy secure and attached to you then really, what dad does or doesnt do wont have such a big impact. so you can just sooth and distract when they say they heartbroken.

what they can learn is that setting boundaries is ok.