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Original poster

Divorcing very difficult ex with poss MH issues, please help me navigate regarding contact with children

89 replies

TeapotDictator · 25/01/2015 20:12

Hello oh wise people

I've been separated for about 2 years from DCs dad. He has a history of mental instability and is very very controlling. The entire divorce process has been diabolical - despite the separation/divorce being instigated by him, he has wasted thousands upon thousands in legal fees through total and utter non-cooperation. He has tried to get me arrested, kicked out of the house, made groundless allegations to social services - all was finalised in the family courts last autumn and we came out, unsurprisingly, with a court order which reflected what I'd suggested was appropriate all along - the bog standard half the holidays and 3 nights EOW with midweek tea (to progress to midweek overnight when the children get a bit older).

I've never tried to keep him from the children, but was always the primary carer. He is in many ways a very good dad - in the sense that he is very loving. But he's not very well mentally, and can't cope with much. At the slightest provocation from me he stops seeing the children because he is too angry with me. Once I texted him asking why he was late, and apparently he was so stressed out by that he had to pull over in the car en route and sit there "waiting to calm down" for three hours with his phone switched off, before finally arriving. We are meant to sit and wait patiently (my two very young and excitable DC with their coats on) during all of this.

We've had two periods so far where he has been so stressed he stopped seeing them completely. This was pre-court order, and was because I refused to let him institute his own idea of contact. It was a totally untenable suggestion, but because I wouldn't do exactly what he wanted, he stopped seeing them. He told me afterwards he believed he was acting in the children's best interests because he believed that by agreeing to my EOW suggestion, he was setting the 'status quo' which would be held against him in court, so he believed not seeing them at all was better.

Sorry for the length of this post. Basically, the divorce finances are hotting up at the moment, which means there are going to be lots of things happening which upset/stress him out. Last weekend (ie. a week ago) was meant to be his weekend. We'd had a few cross words by email during the day on Friday, but nothing major. He didn't turn up. He then didn't communicate at all for 5 days, blocked me from calling him. I noticed activity on his FB account over the weekend and only due to that did I not feel the need to worry that something had happened. The next contact he made was on the Wednesday when he was meant to take the children for tea. He made no mention of the missing weekend (which was horrendous for the children and they are really distressed and confused) but simply said he was prepared to see them for his 1 hour to take them to tea on the condition that I did not discuss contact "past present or future". From past experience this kind of contact actually upsets the children more, particularly if at 'goodbye' time, he does not reassure them as to when they will be seeing him for sleepovers at his house. So I took a deep breath and wrote back saying that unless he could give me reassurance that he will be resuming normal contact as per the court order, I did not think the Weds tea was in their best interests. I need to know what is going on for their sake, and I cannot face more weekends ahead where the DC are just left sitting with their coats on on a Friday night with a no show Dad. I'm devastated for them.

Does anyone have any words of advice? I'd be so grateful. I find standing up to him tortuous - I have never met anybody more infuriating. He is so stubborn that he doesn't respond well at ALL to me putting any boundaries up, and would rather not see his children than "give in" to me. Another issue we have at the moment is half term - he is meant to be having them for the whole week (having let me down for his half of the previous half term - he asked for the whole week) but is refusing to respond to any questions on the subject. A week ago I said if I hadn't heard back in 7 days I'd have to assume he isn't having them and make other plans. I knew full well that if I gave that deadline he would just ignore it.

All help gratefully received! I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 27/01/2015 21:44

Hooray for lawyer.

Stay out of it and keep being reasonable and realistic.

Silly man (your H)

Best wishes Flowers

Starlightbright1 · 27/01/2015 22:10

I would like to think he would take the letter and start behaving reasonable ...but I am guessing this will not be the case....You never know though

Original poster
TeapotDictator · 27/01/2015 22:18

Sigh, feeling low again about it all. It's all such a monumental waste of money. I am worried this man is never going to go away and the divorce will never end...

OP posts:
Starlightbright1 · 28/01/2015 07:51

I can understand how your feel...My gut instinct tells me he is in for the fight... Once it is over he will be bored and move on all together.

A man who is desperate to see his kids really doesn't care what you think or how you supposedly make him feel. He would get there no matter what.

MinceSpy · 28/01/2015 08:28

Teapot you need to step away from your ex and his drama. Let the court sort it out.
Be careful about stopping contact as you will be seen as breaching a court order. Marking up daddy days on the calendar is an excellent idea. Keep it low key and when he does turn up just pop their coats on and let him have them. Record everything, no shows, lateness, early returns then you can evidence his poor behaviour. Stop as much contact as possible and don't enter into argumentative exchanges between you and him.

Original poster
TeapotDictator · 28/01/2015 11:45

MinceSpy - thanks. I have not stopped contact. The only contact he has missed due to me is last Wednesday's tea (and even then, I'd had to collect one of the DC from school with a fever so she couldn't have gone). I've now said I'm going to stick to it to the letter. We'll see what happens. He's railing against the fact he's expected to do the transport (despite being happy to do it when we are 'getting on') so he may decide not to turn up at all to see them, even though he is in breach of the order.

I feel much happier though, knowing that I am sticking to the order. I'm really glad I posted here for that reason Flowers

It feels as though I am divorcing the Terminator. He just will not accept even the court's verdict. Lawyer tells me I should anticipate he will be like this over the finances too - we are in it for the long haul.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/01/2015 14:25

yep it will drag on but you can put ex in a box and hopefully limit the time you spend on this...

just had a meeting with a family group coordinator who is setting up a meeting - on basis of (re)establishing contact for adult disabled DS - had to explain yet again I am not against contact but it needs to be reliable consistent and not cancelled at last minute because ex "has a headache".... nor can ex decide on saturday morning he wants him and expect everything eg paid carers or other paid for activities to be dropped for him...ex has ASD and SLD so like a much smaller child he doesn't understand, only sees that one minute he is going out with dad and the next not. still at least if we come up with a contact plan and then he breaks it, it will be all recorded...

Original poster
TeapotDictator · 28/01/2015 14:41

Feel for you cestlavie - just so grim to have to go through all of that knowing that in all likelihood it will be inconsistent and unreliable.

It'll be interesting to see if he turns up this afternoon at 5.30pm. Because it's him, of course he won't let me know in advance, he'll just turn up. Not going to say anything to the children, luckily they've stopped mentioning him as much recently so I'm not constantly having to think of responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeapotDictator · 28/01/2015 17:41

He's just turned up to get them, looking pissed off that they weren't ready in their coats and hats. I'm not going to get them ready if I've had no word that he's coming... Angry One of the DC said through tears (this is the first time they've seen him for 3 weeks) "Mummy said you have let us down" and I was cringing inside; I know he'll be furious that I said anything to them - but I had to say something. They asked me over and over why he hadn't come to get them for the weekend :(

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/01/2015 17:55

at least he turned up today! all you can say is the truth that you "don't know why" he didnt come and say that they can ask him next time they do see him.

foolonthehill · 28/01/2015 21:04

well done t pot.

You will be amazed how much energy and life you have in you when you keep it for yourself and your DC and don;t waste it on him.

You know what you are doing and why.
Stick to it!

Original poster
TeapotDictator · 28/01/2015 21:35

Thanks both. I found it hard tbh. One of the DC did say to me just before bed that Daddy had said he would see them in two days, so fingers crossed he does come and get them on Friday afternoon.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 28/01/2015 21:49

It IS hard.
well done
KOKO (keep on keeping on)

MinceSpy · 28/01/2015 21:54

Teapot you are doing a great job, stay strong

Original poster
TeapotDictator · 30/01/2015 19:54

What a total dick he is. He's meant to be here at 5.30pm to collect on Friday, but has not shown up, once again with no notice or explanation.

I'm sure this is punishing me for daring to put up boundaries - I wrote in my email that I would be keeping to the court order, which on Fridays (EOW) stipulate that he is to collect from me at 5.30pm. I said he should be here before 6.15pm unless mutually agreed otherwise. So he just hasn't shown up.

I'm convinced that this is all about a last ditch attempt by him to get our court order overturned. As things stand - me with residency and primary care - I am likely to be awarded the lion's share of the assets. Having read his last diatribe, I am concerned he is now going to try to demonstrate that I am destroying his relationship with the children deliberately. The reality is that I am forever chasing him (or was, prior to starting this thread Grin) to see them, he will never confirm holiday dates, he repeatedly lets them down if he's angry with me. But there were so many lies in his email to my lawyer, I wonder where he'll stop. I'm keeping a note of everything but do wonder if there's anything else I can do.

Also not sure what to do tomorrow morning. I think we'll aim to go out; I can't have the children sitting here all day on the off chance he deigns to show up.

OP posts:
Starlightbright1 · 30/01/2015 20:24

I think he is destroying his case not the other way round... No matter what he thinks...You have to let him carry on with this nonsense for a couple of reasons...

He can't go to court demanding extra contact when he doesn't turn up to the contact he already has. The other reason is while you don't want your kids to suffer but as they grow up at least you can say you gave him every chance....

I can completely understand your anger.. I remember feeling the same when my Ex used to let my DS down.

I would go out simply because you are going to sit in the house wondering if he is going to turn up.

Also if he is used to chasing you , he will be waiting for text

Original poster
TeapotDictator · 30/01/2015 20:29

Thanks Starlight. I forgot to mention that in his last email (sent to my lawyer) he has announced that he has decided that the court-ordered Skypes (twice a week although I was happy to do them whenever) do not work. He has accused me of using them to manipulate him and the children by trying to get him to discuss contact during them. It makes me sick because the truth is that I bend over backwards to make the Skype sessions work, not always easy with young children. The children do get something out of those sessions but no, he has decided he doesn't want them. Again, I know this is because he wants nothing apart from face-to-face contact (because the more of that he has, the less money he has to pay out).

You're right though. We'll head out in the morning; I'm not waiting around.

OP posts:
andsmile · 30/01/2015 21:11

Have a lovely day with your children tomorrow. Thanks

Starlightbright1 · 30/01/2015 22:38

I still know at my DS's age telephone conversations are so hit and miss..Sometimes he talks drivel , sometimes not interested at all or will get distracted.

Let him make his mindless rants he just looks more stupid

cestlavielife · 30/01/2015 23:30

Have a lazy morning tomorrow but go out mid morning.

Just tell dc you don't know what happened to dad if they ask but would they like to Go with with you to the park ?

You have your email saying puck hem up 5 30 he is be one ho has not turned up...

MinceSpy · 31/01/2015 07:24

Teapot record what has happened in a calm non-emotional way. If the children ask where daddy is or why he hasn't turned up just very calmly say you don't know but they can ask him when they see him. Don't text or email him just let him dig his own hole.

Have a lazy morning at home then if he doesn't appear go to the park or similar if you and DCs want to. If he does turn up don't get involved in any conversation, if you refuse to engage in his dramas he will get the message.

Original poster
TeapotDictator · 31/01/2015 08:02

Thanks. By record everything do you mean record it just for myself?

This morning I plan to go out at about 11am. It's a good friend of theirs' birthday party this afternoon. Knowing it was 'his' weekend, when I found out about it I asked if I could pick them up at 12 to take them there, returning them at about 4, and offered to give him some time on one of my weekends as a swap, and also asked if he wanted to take them instead. When he started to get difficult about it, rejecting every suggestion I put forward, I just said actually let's forget it, it doesn't matter.

Anyhoo, if he doesn't show up - at least they get to have a good time at a superhero disco party! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
TeapotDictator · 31/01/2015 09:15

I've caved and sent a text saying "DC were expecting to see you this weekend. XXX is asking what is happening. What should I tell them?" and left it at that. We are off out at about 11/11.30am but I anticipate hearing nothing back.

OP posts:
MinceSpy · 31/01/2015 15:39

Teapot I'd note it all down in a diary or note book that you keep just for this purpose. Don't email him again.

Starlightbright1 · 31/01/2015 16:00

Teapot..... I am telling you this in the kindest way. Every message you send plays exactly into his hands keeps reinforcing in his mind his absences is noticed.

I am afraid it is all part of his game and you are joining in. If the game continues the kids get more hurt. IF the game ends he has one of 2 options...To follow the court order or give up all together. While obviously you want him to step up and be a Dad you will never know till you stop texting. oh there is an option3 also he might take you to court and look a prat.

What you do when you go out is absolutely none of his business. I do hope the kids enjoyed the party.