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Original poster

Advice for a guy living with a woman with two Children

77 replies

creativeinmanchester · 12/01/2015 14:01

I moved in with a woman two months ago who has two children aged 6 and 7. We seem to be arguing a lot recently with regards her expectations on what my financial responsibility is and I just need some advice on whether I am in the wrong or right.

To give some background, I have a son aged 15 (16 in May) who lives a long distance away so I don't see him often. I earn a significant amount more than my new partner - she had a messy Divorce from a wealthy husband. I get the feeling she is used to a man paying for a lot of things like holidays.

Our latest disagreement came in discussions on a holiday in that I offered to pay for me and her, but I feel she should pay for her own Children. I have no problem paying for meals out for the four of us etc and buying shopping - But I feel that a two grand expense for her Children on a holiday is not fair. And in fact such money should be spent on my own Son as I save up for his Uni fees in a few years.

Does anyone have any similar experiences. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:

LineRunner · 12/01/2015 15:00

Why on earth did you move in with her and her children?

Quitelikely · 12/01/2015 15:02

IMO you're not wrong and you're not right.

If I was a very high earner and I moved in with a father and his two children I think if be slightly uneasy about apportioning all of my salary into the house/home/family life.

The sensible thing is to discuss this matter and explain that you are prepared to pay a certain percentage for things. 70/30 something like that.

I'm assuming you have treat her like a princess and although you are super generous towards her she expects you to treat her dc the same way. I know some folk will think you are quite mean but I think you have a point, especially since your own son isn't being invited on the holiday.

ElectraCute · 12/01/2015 15:03

creative, how long did you know each other for before you moved in?

KristinaM · 12/01/2015 15:04

Some of the things you say sound a bit odd

" I bought her a two grand wood burner " - what does this mean? Do you mean you bought a woodburner for your house - the house that you share ? Don't you use the heat as much as her ?

Your attitude sounds a bit strange . Are you sharing all the costs of running the house with her ?

cestlavielife · 12/01/2015 15:08

does not sound like a good match. she doesn't like your son - doesn't want him on holiday - you don't like [to pay for] her kids... and she wants top notch holidays...perhaps she thought you were a replacement husband in all ways including money? .

if you don't want that; she isn't the right person for you.

your son will have a student loan to pay off when he reaches certain earning power.... its not quite the same as owing 30k on an unsecured loan.

Ragwort · 12/01/2015 15:08

When you say you 'have moved in with a woman' - do you legally share the house? Is your name on the mortgage deeds/rent agreement?

I think there is a lot that you need to get straight and yes, if you are not legally a joint house owner then it is pretty generous to buy a £2k woodburner for someone.

QueenofallIsee · 12/01/2015 15:11

I don't think that you are wrong exactly OP - if she declines to include your son, her step-son in a family holiday but expects you to treat her daughters as your own then you are best off cutting your losses. Blended families are a thorny subject on Mumsnet (and in RL!) - I certainly expect my DD to be included in my DPs considerations but feel that you, only 2 mths in with no mutual children, are entitled to expect a degree of financial discussion i.e. both of your contributing, but she seems to think that you should pick up the tab which is entirely different.

ElectraCute · 12/01/2015 15:13

quitelikely - or maybe she's wondering why his generosity doesn't appear to extend to her children...

OP, don't have the money to spend on all of them equally, then you don't have the money. That's not your fault.

However your partner is not wrong to expect the cost of 'family' holidays (by which I mean those people who live together) to be split equally between you two. I think the actual cost of the holiday is a red herring.

christmaspies · 12/01/2015 15:14

Why doesn't the children's father pay for their holidays? If the mother gets child support from him, does that include contribution towards holidays? I think they all need to have an open conversation about finances, including what financial support, if any, that the op makes towards his own child.

ElectraCute · 12/01/2015 15:14

*if you don't have the money

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 12/01/2015 15:16

Probably worth having a good think about getting out now if it's only been 2 months.

She wants a Cristal Champagne lifestyle but she's only got Aldi Prosecco money and you're expected to fund it.

She doesn't want your son to come on holiday but you're expected to pay for her kids

Quit while you're ahead and get out now.

zinher · 12/01/2015 15:17

Why exactly are you living with her?

RedandCurlyfor2015ok · 12/01/2015 15:25

I'm not sure if what you have offered is actually UNreasonable but, it doesn't paint you in a generous light. To be honest if I were having this conversation with a man I'd allowed to move in with my family, I would feel like I'd made a mistake. I'd want to feel that 'the pot' was communal and he wasn't constantly calculating what my children cost and substracting that from his contribution. That is just fucking miserable and I couldn't live like that.

I'd want more. Not more 'money', just more from a man. More generosity of spirit. More flexibility. More respect. More love. It's not about money.

I suspect you don't love her. If you loved her, you'd feel more 'mi casa es su casa' about the whole thing.

I second advice to move out. It's not fair on her or her children.

RedandCurlyfor2015ok · 12/01/2015 15:30

talk of her wanting to live a champagne lifestyle on prosecco budget, that might be the case but I know one thing, I can't live a better lifestyle that my children. Whatever about me and a potential partner, I can't be better off than my own children. If a partner earned three times as much as I did and wanted/expected me to go on holiday with him and he could afford it easily, but that left my children as an additional 'expense' begrudged, that would be it for me, I'd be out. I'd call it a day. I can't have two tiers of wealth in my own household!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/01/2015 15:50

Whilst it doesn't sound like you like her (you really do not speak highly of her!), I also think she is trying to mug you off a bit here. Insists you pay for a pricey holiday for her and her girls, refuses to entertain the suggestion of your son coming, and wont compromise on the standard of holiday.

If I were in your shoes, earning your wage, id save a set amount above whatever you pay your EX to help see your son through uni. Then id say to your OH "This is what I can afford for a family holiday for me, you, the girls and ds, why dont you choose something for all of us. If it costs more than that you will need to make up the difference".

expatinscotland · 12/01/2015 15:53

After having read the whole thread now, I think on balance you would be better off moving out pronto.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 12/01/2015 15:58

I apologise for being insulting towards you, that was crass and wrong of me.

Reading your more recent posts, I still stick by what I said earlier. The relationship isn't going to work between you.

She does appear to have become accustomed to a very luxury lifestyle and you are not willing to provide this for her AND her children. They're a package deal, you can't separate them.
You think your son should come before her children. In a blended family this is a recipe for disaster. All children should be treated equally, in all aspects, e.g. disipline, time with parents, finance etc.
I'm sorry but you sound selfish and inconsiderate. You're basically saying to those children that you value their mother enough to buy her fancy furnishings and holidays but you don't value them to the same level. That is hurtful and damaging to children.

End this relationship, before you hurt those children. You may not respect or value them but jesus, be considerate of their feelings.

RedandCurlyfor2015ok · 12/01/2015 16:05

So a cheaper holiday for all four of you (but same amount of moneY) that suggestion wasn't happily received?

as quitelikely said, you're not wrong and you're not right. The whole situation is a bit tricky. You're living under one roof but your incomes, assets and your priorities and your hearts aren't combined iykwim. So, what could possibly go wrong............ :-/

NickiFury · 12/01/2015 16:06

Your post of 15.25 is bang on RedandCurly.

And tbh OP I've heard LOADS of men talk the way you do about their wives and girlfriends i.e money grabbers and I am often somewhat sceptical, as my ex often said it about me when i was trying to get him to use family money, well, for the family and not himself. I would be interested to hear her side of this story.

RedandCurlyfor2015ok · 12/01/2015 16:14

Thanks NickiFury, yeh, sure my x said the same about me too! so I agree when I hear a man say this, I do think, hmm..

Truth was that I was my X's meal ticket. He'd destroyed my chances of making money, cornered me really, and then everything revolved around his convenience and his career whilst he simultaneously made me feel I ought to be grateful he paid for everything! But he still can't see that it's not purely the sum of the expense, that it's the division of the sacrifices of parenthood. But anyway, that was my x. you live and learn! and recongise familiar types.

777emm · 12/01/2015 17:54

Hi In mine and my partners situation we split it down the middle maybe you should try that... but on the other hand we have different circumstances to yours. I see your point but as you chose to be with this women you chose to be a step dad to her children as well because that is just how it works, it is hard but nobody said it would be easy me and my partner hav been through tough times with all 3 of them from my son, my step daughter, to our daughter and we kno theres many years to come as they grow. The question is could you cope physically and mentally? if so mayb you should split the cost of your holiday and also ask your son to come to that way your partner will also understand things from your prospective

DancingCrown · 12/01/2015 18:11

Did she lose tax credits when you moved in?

Sophrosyne · 14/01/2015 17:19

You spend loads on her, but not her children?

Package deal.

You spend on her, you spend on children. If you offer to pay for her holiday, you have to pay for them, otherwise, don't offer. Only pay for yourself and your son if he were to come too.

If she is too financially high maintenance for you, then leave the relationship if she will not lower her standard of living.

But, you two need to have full and frank disclosure regarding finances and how to split household expenses. Yes, this should have been done beforehand, but better late than never.

christmaspies · 14/01/2015 19:40

But what financial contribution is the father making. it's all very well saying it's family money so the op should just suck it up but why should he support another man's children when the father appears to be very wealthy?

For that matter does the op pay child support to his ex?
This is not straightforward

revealall · 14/01/2015 20:49

What was the thinking behind moving in?

You could have a very relationship apart which keeps the costs seperate too.

You'd both have someone to do holiday, meals trips with without having to pay living costs for her and her family.

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