Advice for a guy living with a woman with two Children

[creativeinmanchester]

I moved in with a woman two months ago who has two children aged 6 and 7. We seem to be arguing a lot recently with regards her expectations on what my financial responsibility is and I just need some advice on whether I am in the wrong or right.

To give some background, I have a son aged 15 (16 in May) who lives a long distance away so I don't see him often. I earn a significant amount more than my new partner - she had a messy Divorce from a wealthy husband. I get the feeling she is used to a man paying for a lot of things like holidays.

Our latest disagreement came in discussions on a holiday in that I offered to pay for me and her, but I feel she should pay for her own Children. I have no problem paying for meals out for the four of us etc and buying shopping - But I feel that a two grand expense for her Children on a holiday is not fair. And in fact such money should be spent on my own Son as I save up for his Uni fees in a few years.

Does anyone have any similar experiences. Am I being unfair?

You have a perfect right to say 'I need to set aside money for my own child', of course you do.

But I'm baffled as to why you have moved in with the three of them in the first place, when you clearly have no intention of becoming a family unit. What on earth did you think would happen?

It's clearly obvious SunnyBaudelaire that he wants to go to Uni and pre-planning and saving is not a bad thing.

I think ultimately the message I'm getting is that I'm not right for this kind of relationship.

There was no need to be offensive HappyGoLuckyGirl I'm only seeking help and advice.

I agree with a lot of pp however isn't the woman being greedy and grabby? Shouldn't she be happy with a cheap family holiday?

How long have you both been together? How did finances work before you moved in?

well if you had three children and one of them had their sights set on uni then you would work it out evenly wouldn't you?

You obviously didn't discuss this before you moved in, very unwise.

You also sound to me like you don't want to/aren't ready to be in a family with these kids, they're not separate to her, that's not going to change,I also think you should move out.

You seem to be separating her from the children yet you are living as a family eg you mention paying for her meals. Maybe you see the set-up differently from your partner.

But ultimately if you're never going to treat a partners child as your own you need to find somebody without children and/or somebody earning a similar amount to you so you don't feel hard done by/they can afford half without skinting themselves.

Here's a thought. If you were the mother of my son... where would you want my financial priorities to lie. How would you feel if I had spent 2k on another woman's children?

She sounds like a gold digger, anyone who expects you to pay their way should be avoided. In her eyes, her money is her money and your money is her money.

Get out now. There are plenty of women out there who aren't looking for a meal ticket.

Well I think a sit down and chat about finances would be a good idea.

If you have a joint account for household bills and expenses and a joint account for savings you can each agree on how much you contribute to the account.

Then from the savings account you go on holidays and it becomes family spending money not book a holiday and each have to cough up.

The household account can be used for sofas and paint and whatever else you need. If there isn't enough in it; you have to wait until there is? Helps budget and helps it feel more like combined family money.

Set up your own account for Uni fees at the same time.

Slightly of topic but are you taking your own son on this fancy holiday? The next time he comes for a visit is he going to have to look at pictures of his dad on holiday with someone else kids?

Instead of saying pay for your own kids I would suggest the two of you just split the price of the holiday seems more fair.

Thanks Purplehonesty that sounds like a great idea

It really depends if you can afford it doesn't it? If my child want going without because of it,I wouldn't care.

Your girlfriend sounds high maintenance though, and if she can't afford a luxury holiday, would she go without or go on a cheap one I wonder?

But... You have decided to enter a cohabiting relationship with a woman with children! That's the choice you have made!

If you feel that choice is, for whatever reason, impacting on your ability to provide for your own child as you would wish, then perhaps you shouldn't be in that relationship?

That's the other annoying thing justbatteringon she doesn't even think that my son should come with us... and the cost of his coming sends the holiday to 6k - all of which she expects me to pay for - hence why she just keeps mentioning her and her daughters going on holiday

And if your son is only 15, you don't know he is going to university in 3 years time. If that is something you can reasonably presume, then make plans accordingly but I don't understand your views on this expensive holiday.

You seem to be half-hearted about the relationship with your partner and not prepared to take on the kids in a stepfather role.

I think that's what I'm concluding ElectraCute

OK she sounds like a nightmare actually - she thinks your son shouldnt come at all but wants you to pay for hers? sod that.

I didn't think that being a Stepfather would mean I pay for so much Sundayplease and have such financial pressure - she won't go on a cheaper holiday - she doesn't do package holidays to Spain.

Ski trips and 5-star hotels in Italy are her thing.

Sunny i was just about to say the same.
I'd run a mile.

Hmm I just read more of your posts. You are happy to spend money on her, just not on her children.

You need to go, it's going to be very unfair on the children to go through life this this.

I didn't get on very well with my stepdad and we rowed a lot. He had two sons and I didn't think he liked me much at all.
He moved in and we all moved to a new house. He bought me my first horse, first car, paid for holidays. He gave me land to build my house in later life. Now we live next door to each other and my kids call him grandad. We see him every day and he calls me his daughter - he hardly ever sees his boys as they live overseas. He has spent thousands and thousands on me and this is a man I didn't even get on with, but he considered me his own daughter even though I was a 14 year old stroppy nightmare.

Just saying

lol tell her you know a lovely ski resort in the Czech Republic.
Seriously why do you men get with these nightmare women anyway?
Do they give good head or something?

I see your point Purplehonesty I just don't think I'm one of those guys. Think I was a bit naive... perhaps it's best I find a partner without Children.

So you are living with a woman who will not live to her means, expects you to pay but then won't accept the budget you put on something?

2K could buy a nice family holiday for the five of you. Not particularly fancy, but nice.

I suspect both of you have gone into this without seeing the other's perspective on money.

I have to put my son first before her Children as I want him to have the best start in life - her Children has a rich father and he'll look after them.