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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Grandparents

13 replies

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets · 28/12/2014 10:51

Hi,
Feel so sad. My 4.5 yr old daughter wants to go and live with her grandparents (my mum). She doesn't seem happy at home anymore. I've been quite down and sad due to a couple of things lately..could this be why?
I don't think my mum is especially fun and she was an overly protective smothering parent to me, I have a few emotional problems, possibly due to my upbringing.
I just don't know how to handle it. She stays over there about one night a week to give me a break and generally sees a lot of them. She just doesn't seem to want mummy anymore..heartbroken

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dryshampooer · 28/12/2014 13:45

Hi OP - sorry you are feeling so down. What exactly did your daughter say? Has she talked about this a lot, or did she just mention it once? Did she explain why?
Don't be so hard on yourself.

Dwerf · 28/12/2014 13:59

A lot of kids go through this. Because they stay over at dad's or grandma's house where the rules are a bit more relaxed, there isn't the rush before school, or Nanna isn't so bothered about bedtime being stictly at 7pm. Little kids don't seem to get that all the good bits of staying with a none parent, or none resident parent are only like that because they don't live with them.

When I was small, I would have lived with my grandma like a shot. Loved my parents, adored my grandmother. Then, due to circumstances, we moved in with my grandparents. Who then took on far more parental roles. So the treat food was not every meal, and the late bedtimes were saved for the weekend only. In short, it was not the house of wonderfulness I had thought, and instead was a normal household, except with more people upholding the rules!

All my kids have said at one point or other that they want to live with their dad/ grandparents/ best friend etc. One actually went to live with my sister for a few weeks. When they discover the reality of someone else being in the parental role, they gain a little understanding. Don't take it to heart, it's a child's fantasy and the wish for things to be fun all the time.

Original poster

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets · 28/12/2014 14:08

Thanks dryshampooer

And I'm sure you're right dwerf; there's a lot fewer rules there and a real fuss is made of her. It feels a little
More serious this time though, just with how distressed DD is.

In answer dryshampooer, I've been concerned as DD seems so upset at the thought of not seeing her grandmother, she keeps saying how much she misses her and wants to live there, that she doesn't like being here. I keep asking what we can do to make home nicer/more fun and all we've come up with so far is getting bunk beds!
I don't know...I'm not sure whether taking her over there today/tomorrow (as she wants) will make it worse though? As she may never want to leave? And this cycle will continue?
I have a difficult relationship with my mum; we fall out quite frequently and this is making me resent her, though I know it's not my mums fault. Though a bit of me feels like she quite likes this dynamic somehow?
I don't know..it's pretty miserable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets · 28/12/2014 14:09

Or maybe she should go and live there for a while?!!!!

OP posts:

Dwerf · 28/12/2014 14:27

Has something happened? Have you had to come down harder than usual for bad behaviour (that would probably be overlooked at grandmas) or do you think your mum has said something to her? Perhaps some remark about your dd not being able to come because you and your mum are not getting on?

Original poster

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets · 28/12/2014 14:38

I've been a little down lately and I was definitely getting more shouty in the last couple of weeks. I'm not a very shouty person in general and have made a conscious effort to get myself in check when I feel like in going to raise my voice to ensure I'm being firm when needed, not yelling.
I don't know..she's always been close to my mum, seems worse during the holidays as when she's at school she gets wrapped up in what she's doing/after school clubs and activities.
I don't think she would know I don't get on with my mum. Though I did cry in front of her at my mums yesterday, which I really try not too.

OP posts:

Starlightbright1 · 28/12/2014 14:57

I am not in your home so...this is what I would do...

Take a long look at yourself... One thing I learnt from supernanny is sometimes you have to change to change the childrens behaviour.

Do you find time to play games togehter, Do you read to her, do you sit and cuddle?Do you go to the park, go jump in puddles?

It is really hard been a single parents, running the house, not falling behind as it is you that has to catch up but sometimes you need to stop and reassess. When you have other stuff going on aswell it gets even harder . Should your daughter go and live there no. I don't think it would do anything to make her happier at home.

One thing I had to reassess this year is how much time I spend online when my DS is around. It has made a happier household.

Can she help in the kitchen..My Ds does this it is also a good way to chat about stuff that is in his head in a much more relaxed way.

Can you build a den out of sheets ..

Sit down and do some craft together.

Dwerf · 28/12/2014 15:04

Starlight's right, it is bloody hard. I'm the parent who nags. i have to nag about uniforms and homework and bedroom tidiness and vegetables (ok, I think I've lost that battle) and etc etc. I am not the fun parent. In fact I've been known to reply to the "I want to go live with grandma!" with "me too,"

Starlightbright1 · 28/12/2014 17:19

Can I also add my friend who is happily married and has 2 children. One of her young children wanted to leave home the other day as she is the worst mum in the world....She isn't however this is just sometimes a way kids get a reaction.

Simile · 04/01/2015 14:08

I don't think my mum is especially fun and she was an overly protective smothering parent to me, I have a few emotional problems, possibly due to my upbringing.

This stood out as a red flag for me. Was it your mum that had an affect on you in childhood? If it was, then you need to look at your child's relationship with her.

HonestLie · 04/01/2015 14:19

Op I agree with simile, I am slightly concerned that some of this change in your daughter could be being encouraged by your Mum. Would you like to go a bit more into the issues with your Mum. Sometimes it's easier for people on the outside to see behaviour patterns.

BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney · 05/01/2015 23:09

ds regularly says he wants to live with someone else, but if he falls over, guess who he comes running to, or if something goes wrong.

ds also says that I am not coming to his party... he gets even crosser when I say great, I won't have to organise and cook for it then.

cestlavielife · 06/01/2015 12:41

have you spoken to gp about feeling down, asked for referral for counselling?

talking thru with trained counsellor could help sort out what's going on from your point of view and improve things; help you to think of ways to change your reaction etc.

also to help you deal with your relationship with your mother...

reply to the "I want to go live with grandma!" with "me too," - it s not a bad idea, acknowledge how she feels and affirm it, saying yep that's how I feel too. read "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" .... it has some good ideas

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