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Original poster

I am upset, Christmas plans gone poof!

79 replies

CaptainCorellisVentolin · 02/12/2014 23:31

Bit of background: I have been divorced for a long time, 2 DC, XH lives abroad.

He has barely bothered with the DC for over a year, has not seen them at all and has spoken to them on the phone a handful of times. To add to that he has not paid any maintenance for almost 2 years now and is getting away with it due to his living abroad. I have filled out all the paperwork for a REMO but it is taking forever and a day.

Right, DC and I had made plans for Christmas, Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, planned our Christmas Day menu and walk, activity for Boxing Day....all lovely.

Tonight XH called to speak to the DC, the first time in literally months. He is apparently booking tickets for them tomorrow to go and see him for the entire Christmas break. The DC are understandably very excited! He is their dad and they miss him.

I am so happy for them that XH has finally shown some interest again and is making the effort to see them. I have been in tears since they have been asleep though. Because he did not have the decency to discuss this with me before breaking the news to the DC I will now be spending Christmas on my own.

Maybe I am being petty, I don't know, but it hurts that he has not bothered - at all! - and I have. Yet, at this precious time of year he gets to barge in and ruin all the plans DC and I had made. I hear you thinking and yes, of course I could tell him to go do one but the DC are at an age where I would be the bad guy if I stopped them going (never have stopped him seeing them, nor would I ever!) and Christmas would not be the enjoyable one we had planned.

I know there is no advice you can really give me but I just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you if you made it to the end!!!

OP posts:
RandomFriend · 03/12/2014 22:09

Well done. Can you say which country they are going to? I just worry about stories that I have heard regarding husbands keeping children in their own countries when such an arrangement hasn't been agreed.

Waltermittythesequel · 03/12/2014 22:11

Brilliant outcome!

Starlightbright1 · 03/12/2014 22:13

well done and enjoy your christmas

bluejelly · 03/12/2014 22:18

Well-handled! I have a similar situation with ex in that he lives overseas. He can see dd before Xmas and after - but not on the day itself. He has been far too remiss to earn that privilege!

Original poster
CaptainCorellisVentolin · 03/12/2014 22:18

Random they are going to a North Western European country which is fully signed up to the The Hague convention as well as the REMO agreement. Although there is no contact order in place due to all parties having moved since the divorce, the decree on residential custody has not changed since their habitual residence has always been with me.

Wishing you and yours all a very Merry Christmas Smile

OP posts:
VinoTime · 03/12/2014 22:19

I think I just breathed actual fire on your behalf, OP. He sounds like a complete douche. Typical Disney dad Sad

So pleased you put your foot down and it's all worked out Flowers

digger123 · 03/12/2014 22:19

Ditto everyone else's comments Smile

LadySybilLikesCake · 03/12/2014 22:23

Well done, you! Thanks Ds is OK. He hasn't seen his father for 4 years, stemming from his father turning up when we had plans (we changed them so that he could see ds), then shouting and swearing in ds's face because ds wanted to know how long he'd be. Ds wanted him to apologise, and didn't want to see him when he visited the next time until he had. I tried to explain in simple language ("ds was upset when you yelled and swore at him, and he doesn't want to see you until you've aplogised") but in typical fashion, his father heard what he wanted to, went nuts and stopped paying maintenance as my punishment, this used to go into ds's bank account so there was no way I could hide it. I tried to sort this and ended up taking him to court (for a REMO). They doubled his payments as he'd been underpaying for years and I'm still waiting for the arrears which should have been paid in December last year. The court are supposed to be sorting this Hmm.

We now hear nothing from him apart from the odd birthday card to ds. Ds is OK, but he thinks his dad's a twat. It's not been easy for ds, he went through a stage where he was really insecure and said a few times that he didn't know why I wanted him around. It's taken a good couple of years to build him back up again. My advice to you is that no absent parent is better then one who comes and goes when it's convenient to them. It's really harmful for a child's self esteem when they are picked up and put down like toys.

loumaria · 03/12/2014 22:25

Haven't read all the comments but recognise this behaviour unfortunately (i'm in early stages). You need to say no for your own sake and the children will be okay. He simply can't treat you like this - I honestly believe it's abusive and it's unacceptable not to run it by your first. He could have them after Xmas/over New Year if you're okay with this. Tell him it's not okay and that if he wants to arrange alternate dates to run them by you first. Lots of love to you - be strong and stand up to him. He's a bully.

loumaria · 03/12/2014 22:28

Oh good, looks like you've dealt with it. Pleased xx

cestlavielife · 03/12/2014 22:41

You ve been totally reasonable well done

lauranorder50 · 03/12/2014 22:53

Spontaneous round of applause from all posters. Well done, and well done for having the courage to stand up for yourself/your children.

Further full marks for having the presence of mind to get proof of flight times etc. (Probably fairly standard practice given his history and the logistics required.)

Happy Christmas to you and your children.

RandomMess · 03/12/2014 22:56

Well done you!!!!

minkymuskyslyoldstoaty · 03/12/2014 23:26

Smile cool.

how did your kids react

Arven · 03/12/2014 23:31

ladysybil i've a friend who's also a single parent and her child's father announced recently by letter on basildon bond that he had allowed himself not to be a father to their child as his own parents weren't as good to him as they should have been. He said that when *anne grew up, if she didn't understand this and try to build a relationship with him as two equal adults, then that would be her (the child's) failure to understand his position, her lack of understanding, her judgement that would stand in the way of their future relationship.

Shock. He typed it and sent it so he must have given it some thought.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 03/12/2014 23:36

Well done OP! What a prick.

LadySybilLikesCake · 03/12/2014 23:41

Oh, wow, Arven, that's terrible! Shock He doesn't sound like a great loss to *anne.

TheCowThatLaughs · 04/12/2014 05:59

SmileSmileSmile

clam · 04/12/2014 09:32

I'm still astounded that this bloke has just swanned in with 3 weeks to go til Christmas, and announced as a fait accompli that he is whisking the kids away for the entire Christmas period.

When you think of all the planning, sharing, alternating, negotiating and legal court orders that most divorced/separated couples go through regarding this time of year. What planet is he on?

LadySybilLikesCake · 04/12/2014 10:19

Planet Twat, clam Wink

lavenderhoney · 04/12/2014 18:44

Can I ask what a REMO is? I am currently mid nightmare which is very similar to the ops - and how did anyone handle their exdh coming to the UK? Does he expect to stay with you whilst visiting?

Arven · 04/12/2014 18:52

A Reciprocal Enforcement of Maintenance orders agreement

LadySybilLikesCake · 04/12/2014 18:54

Of course. There are countries which have an agreement to enforce maintenance orders which are created by the courts in the UK. The CSA doesn't have jurisdiction outside the UK, so this is the only option. Not all countries have signed up for it though, so it depends on where your ex is.

He doesn't see ds any more and used to turn up with 24 hours notice, but I'd ask ds if he'd like to see him. Ds used to. I'd take ds to a cafe and meet him there with his wife (he was always hungover(. I'd give him an update on how ds had been, a copy of ds's school report (which he didn't read and would leave on the table) and ds would see him for an hour before he went to see other people. One time he took ds to the cinema (and fell asleep). There's no way in hell he'd ask to stay with me. He'd end up under the patio Grin I was always polite and civil and ask him to contact ds more (which he never did).

If we had plans, however, we'd be expected to drop them. If I couldn't, say if we had train tickets to go somewhere, he'd become verbally abusive down the phone and accuse me of keeping ds from him Hmm so I've hung up on him more than once.

lavenderhoney · 04/12/2014 20:21

Thank you. It's a pity where my stbexh lives isn't on it.

Regarding court - what do courts do in these cases?

My stbexh is convinced that although he wont see/ barely communicate with the dc, as a father he will be allowed to take the children for all the summer hols abroad to stay with their family there. No one speaks English and the dc have no relationship with them. Dc are under 8 and don't want to go.

He just wants hols. he has never involved himself with boring old day to day care and is very clear he has no plans to start now. He plans his aged dm to do that.

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