Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

I am upset, Christmas plans gone poof!

79 replies

CaptainCorellisVentolin · 02/12/2014 23:31

Bit of background: I have been divorced for a long time, 2 DC, XH lives abroad.

He has barely bothered with the DC for over a year, has not seen them at all and has spoken to them on the phone a handful of times. To add to that he has not paid any maintenance for almost 2 years now and is getting away with it due to his living abroad. I have filled out all the paperwork for a REMO but it is taking forever and a day.

Right, DC and I had made plans for Christmas, Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, planned our Christmas Day menu and walk, activity for Boxing Day....all lovely.

Tonight XH called to speak to the DC, the first time in literally months. He is apparently booking tickets for them tomorrow to go and see him for the entire Christmas break. The DC are understandably very excited! He is their dad and they miss him.

I am so happy for them that XH has finally shown some interest again and is making the effort to see them. I have been in tears since they have been asleep though. Because he did not have the decency to discuss this with me before breaking the news to the DC I will now be spending Christmas on my own.

Maybe I am being petty, I don't know, but it hurts that he has not bothered - at all! - and I have. Yet, at this precious time of year he gets to barge in and ruin all the plans DC and I had made. I hear you thinking and yes, of course I could tell him to go do one but the DC are at an age where I would be the bad guy if I stopped them going (never have stopped him seeing them, nor would I ever!) and Christmas would not be the enjoyable one we had planned.

I know there is no advice you can really give me but I just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you if you made it to the end!!!

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 03/12/2014 00:32

Adding my support. Tell him to fuck off.

If he wants to pay some maintenance and see then throughout the year then he can have some time after Christmas, before new year? That's fair, that's meeting him halfway.

Waltermittythesequel · 03/12/2014 10:34

Good!

Don't let him sway you either! Enjoy your time with your dc and then aftewards you can enjoy some alone time while he plays at being daddy arsehole

midgeymum2 · 03/12/2014 10:43

Adding my support too! His behaviour is completely unreasonable, what an idiot!

You don't say how old your dc are, but my concern would be that the fantasy of a lovely Christmas with daddy might not match up to the reality especially if they have not seen him for ages and they might end up missing you a great deal, making Christmas miserable for everyone.

number1daddy · 03/12/2014 10:50

adding my support. I hate parents like this. using emotional blackmail too letting his kids know before you as I bet he knew you would say no directly or something

SavoyCabbage · 03/12/2014 10:54

What a wanker.

I think it's likely that your dc don't comprehend that they won't be having the lovely Christmas you planned together. My dd (8) is leaving her school soon and she is has talked about this happening and talked about being in year six there in the same sentence. She doesn't get it that she won't be there,

SavoyCabbage · 03/12/2014 10:55

And, I wouldn't let them go. They are not going to have a better time with a disinterested wanker than they are with you.

Mama1980 · 03/12/2014 10:57

Just adding my support op. Stand your ground.
I say this having once been the child in a similar situation. The one and only time my father ever tried such a grand gesture my mum selflessly went along with it, when we honestly wanted her to just get us out of there. It was horrible, my father is not a nice man.
And try not to worry there's 6 of us and not one of us has any time for our father, grand gestures and occasional phone calls do not a father make. ?our dc will come to know this even though it hurts them now.

NickiFury · 03/12/2014 11:01

There is absolutely no way this would be happening if I were you. Am in similar situation. Ex gone off abroad, very little contact. I would have said "sorry but not possible this year but we will talk about next year and see what we can come up with" and I wouldn't care how unpopular that made me. It's not even about Christmas. He hasn't cared for them consistently for a year, it's just not practical.

They'll soon get over it and if he steps up them they can go next year when things are more stable.

I wouldn't feel remotely guilty about saying no either.

IComeFromALandDownUnder · 03/12/2014 11:04

Another one agreeing with all of the above. There is not a chance in hell that I would send my kids if I was you.

Do you know for sure he would send them back?

HeadDoctor · 03/12/2014 13:39

How old are the children?

In your shoes I would speak to the children and say I understood they are excited and I want for them to be able to see dad at Christmas but that dad didn't discuss this with you first, it doesn't fit with plans you've made, you also want to see them at Christmas and you'll need to discuss with dad the best way forward.

Then I'd speak to my ex and say firmly that contact is fine but not going over my head, that christmas is already planned any he can have them from 27th Dec til 3rd Jan so they're home and settled for returning to school.

My dad was absent and I would have been excited if he'd have done something like this but if my mum didn't show in a reasonable way that she wanted to see me at Christmas still I would have been very confused! Also it teaches your children that it's okay to behave in the way your ex has and that's not a good example to leave them with. Show them how to act fairly.

clam · 03/12/2014 13:51

What a complete and utter tool. How DARE he call them and blithely tell them that this was happening, without even discussing it with you? Who DOES that? Mind you, I guess that's why he's an ex.

I agree that, as a compromise, (not that he deserves one, but the kids do) you could suggest from the 27th onwards. However, I predict that he will flounce, say it's his idea or nothing, and tell the kids it's all your fault.

RandomFriend · 03/12/2014 14:16

Good decision, OP. Tell him he can't fix things with the children without consulting you. Tell the children that you have plans with them and that you can guarantee that those plans will happen. Daddy can make some other plans, a different time, and discuss them with you to coordinate dates, and then make them happen.

I have no doubt that your ex will have promised them things before that he didn't deliver on. They may have forgotten that in the excitement and hope when he rang, but from my experience I think that children value consistency in a parent.

It wouldn't help the children in the long run for them to learn that someone can just come crashing through other people's plans.

QueenofWhatever · 03/12/2014 14:31

Another one adding my support! Twat.

balia · 03/12/2014 19:19

I think sometimes we get this message about 'mustn't stop him seeing the kids' and forget that it doesn't mean 'anytime they want regardless of our lives'. Message him and say the DC are available from x date to x date (eg not through Christmas) and that any plans for overseas travel have to be arranged through you BEFORE the DC are spoken to. If he gets rude, just get more business-like (I used to imagine I was a solicitor and not personally involved at all - my ex HATED it) and say you are happy to negotiate Christmas dates for next year but can't change your plans at such short notice.

Be blithe with the DC and just say Mummy and Daddy are going to sort out Christmas and you are waiting for him to let you know about dates.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/12/2014 19:27

Look at it like that - it's going to be a headfuck for them anyway Angry at least it will be a smaller disappointment if you deal with it now and not at the airport or when he decides to send them back early.

ThanksWineBiscuit For you. What a twat.

brittanyfairies · 03/12/2014 19:31

My XH tried something similar to this, but to be honest I don't think he was that bothered, he was just going through the motions so didn't argue with me when I said no but then went around bleating to all and sundry about how awful it was that I'm not letting him see his DCs. I did say to them he could pick them up at 3.00 on the afternoon of Christmas Day and keep them till after New Year but he wasn't interested in that. This is the guy who will be seeing them for the third day this year on Saturday, who on the last two days he's had them, took them back to his hotel where he put DC2 on the laptop to play Minecraft, DC1 went outside to play in the car park while he had a little nap for the whole afternoon when he should have been spending precious time with the DCs. This year he's decided he's not going to spend Saturday evening with them, because he has an early flight home on Sunday (11.30 in the morning) so he's going to go and stay in a hotel closer to the airport (we live an hour and a half drive away). So he's not even going to manage a full 24 hours this year.

Arven · 03/12/2014 19:35

He sounds an absolute shit. No maintenance, no decency, taking the jazz hands part of parenthood & leaving you to do the rest. No advice but a pat on the back from another lone parent :-/ Brew

LadySybilLikesCake · 03/12/2014 19:41

Ds's father didn't bothered to see ds for 3 years and suddenly asked for a week with ds Confused He doesn't quite understand the concept of "build a relationship with your child, call send letters or emails first so that you're not a stranger to him, and then we'll sort this out" as 13 years later we're still waiting, and I'm the bad one for not sending ds Confused

ScrambledEggAndToast · 03/12/2014 20:16

I would put my foot down. Hard. How dare he barely be there all year and then swoop in for the best part of the year. Will he just ignore them for most of next year as well? Please do not let yourself be walked over in this way.

alicemalice · 03/12/2014 20:24

Seriously, he need to give you more notice and discuss this first. He can't just arbitrarily announce what he's doing.

Tell him you'll consider it for next year. If you let him do what he wants, he'll walk all over you.

Starlightbright1 · 03/12/2014 20:33

More support for you here... How old are your children?

Original poster
CaptainCorellisVentolin · 03/12/2014 21:52

Evening all. Sorry for the delay in replying - hectic day at work and a mahoosive shit storm from XH to deal with after my message Grin

Suffice it to say he was not a happy camper. Oh well.

I explained to him basically everything you have all been saying and what I already knew. I felt empowered good people!!

I also reminded him that there is no contact order in place since Our divorce did not take place here and I did not HAVE to do anything! Since the children would like to see him I would let him have them from 28th to 4th. Take it or leave it.

Oh, and I demanded proof of tickets, including full flight info. Which I now have Shock

I have Christmas with the DC, they get to see their twat of a dad, I get a few days "off".....today is looking much, much better than yesterday!

Thank you all for the advice, reminders that I am actually free from him, and kind words Flowers Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainCorellisVentolin · 03/12/2014 21:54

Starlight The DC are 14 and almost 11

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainCorellisVentolin · 03/12/2014 21:57

Lady that sounds all too familiar SadHow is your DS now? Has he seen the light with regards to his DF or is it something that troubles him?

OP posts:
alicemalice · 03/12/2014 21:57

Well done you, that's brilliant.

Swipe left for the next trending thread