Taking her somewhere today and won't tell me

[GEM33]

My 2 yr old is being collected by dad in few hours. This is abnormally early collection and out of the ordinary request by him. Says he wants to spend good day with my dd and his other ex s ds who is on half term hols. Great. So where you taking her? "My life is none of your business" he replies. Yes, I know that but I'd just like to know if she's going far away etc. "none of your business" is the reply.
I feel out of my mind with worry.

What is it you are worried about?

Have there been instances into past where you know he has not provided a suitable level of care?

I never know what my sons are doing with their dad and I don't tell him what we're doing either.

What are you worried about?

Is there a particular reason you are worried?

Parents often take their children out for the day and if they were going to a theme park for instance it would be an early start

in a few hours at 5:43 doesn't seem like that early a start but has obviously bothered you.

Do you inform him everywhere you go?

See I disagree. I'd want to know where my DS was. Just because he's my son and I like to know where he's going, so he can be dressed appropriately, have the right stuff with him etc.

I think it's completely normal to want to know where your kids are, especially at such a young age. It's part and parcel of being a mum for many of us. I can cope with it better now that my dd is a bit older.

The thing is that it does help you to get healthy separation from your ex if you're not involved in a discussion about the plans for the day.

I think it's normal to not hide where children are going. I wouldn't refuse to tell my exH. There must be a history to this, which is why I asked what the particular worry is.

I think needing to know exactly where your child/his child is must be wearing for both parents unless you write each other an itinerary?

I wouldn't refuse to tell my exH and he wouldn't refuse to tell me. I just don't really need to know. I ask what they've been up to when they come back but I wouldn't demand to know beforehand.

His life is none of your business but when his life involves your 2 year old it is your business. I wouldn't be particularly happy with his attitude.

Big difference between not mentioning something and refusing to say.

Its especially pisspoor when accommodating his secret plans requires you to alter your normal arrangement or routine

Ahhh posted to soon (by errant foot) if anybody said to me " I want to pick up dc earlier and keep them longer because I'm going on a none of your business secret trip" I would reply "no"

Did you find anything out op?

I'd be worried. You can't refuse but you should be able to ask. Sounds like he's bitter about the split?!

I am assuming he wanted to change contact so yes I would ask. As at 2 I would want to know..Did you get any answers

Say he can't pick her up early then. There's many reasons why you'd want to know where your 2 year old is.

I worry because he always returns her with dirty nappy, she's not eaten and like today, all she had was chips and I'd even packed her a healthy lunch which had just been left and she was withdrawn and tired. He asked for a hug goodbye when he dropped her off and she kicked out at him and said no.
He is a selfish shit dad who hasn't maintained an interest and had hew for a few hours every two weeks and all of a sudden wants her for a long day and then refuses to tell me where she will be. (No I don't want a bloody itinerary) but I expect to know roughly if they ll be taking her on a long journey, what clothes does she need, if there was an accident none of his family talk to me how would I know where she was?!

No I don't tell him where I take her because he's not at all interested. I suggested that online parent thing where we could upload photos and use a diary/calendar but he's not interested. I told him I'd text him to give him updates about her he said don't bother months ago. We are talking about a man who from leaving New Year's Eve last year has asked me twice how our daughter is.

Getting the picture?!

Beside myself with worry and all my concerns are reality when she is returned withdrawn and unhappy.

Anyway, I've solved my own problem

I'm buying a tracking device to put in her pocket.

And he did tell me where they went on dropping her. He's a narcissist. He likes the control. He picks our child up when it suits him, has zero interest in her well being and basically I've seen how he raised his ds from a previous relationship when we were together - I ended up doing everything and pushied him into how to parent. He was happy for his ds to catch a bus to a busy town 40 miles away age 9 with just one other 10 year old! Even his ds tells his mum he can't rely on his dad. I dread the time she's with him because he lives ina dream world and simply has zero parenting skills and doesn't even care.

Front forward- "parents often take their children out" yes I do. No he doesn't. He tends to have little contact and she's watched a lot of tv with him. In fact that's all she does with him.

So refuse contact and let him take you to court over it? You could then insist on a contact centre as he's not cared for her appropriately. He won't comply and the cycle will start again.

You could self represent so wouldn't cost you money.

It all sounds very stressful GEM.

What is the online parent thing you mentioned? My ex refuses to talk to me, so it could be really usefull.

I would be annoyed too. I don't think it's unreasonable request to know where your child is going. This is exactly the sort of thing my ex would do, it's a power trip. Just remember, you will be the one putting her to bed tonight and giving her cuddles.

Nar4 I can't find the link but someone else put it on a thread on here a while ago. There are various things I think to help separated parents to keep a diary type thing where you both have a password to access the site online and can communicate and pop important dates in the diary etc.

Hi,
Came across this thread over the weekend and was interested in the online communication tool as well. I did some research and have found one called 2Houses - it appears to be a safe place for parents to both have access to. You can upload photos, leave messages and leave dates on a calendar without having to speak to one another..!
Hope that helps!

GEM you've given far more background here so yes I'm getting the picture.

I think if a father is normal I.e. Cares for a child!! Then demanding exact whereabouts is probably intrusive but as I said previously, refusing to answer is also odd.

I agree denying contact and letting courts decide appropriate contact could be appropriate. However it could go either way with him losing interest or seeing it as a new battle to win. A shit situation for you. I can feel your anger/frustration at my earlier response but really it's the crap parenting that is the problem. A good parent wouldn't cause you this stress

Thankyou GEM and bluebell.

For what it's worth my ex won't tell me his address even though one of our children lives with him and he takes my 1&3 yr olds there on Sundays. I know it is just a control thing on his behalf. I don't have any concerns about his parenting though, so at present am just having to ignore it.