Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

10 week old baby and a newly single mum....is there light at the end of the tunnel??

75 replies

koshka1984 · 16/09/2006 20:19

Umm, well i think i have asked my question.

The break up was a suprise, I am too 'arsey' apparently. My HV thinks i have PND (going to docs on monday) and im not the best person to have hormones at the best of times.

I have decided that i am not going to try to change his mind. I am completely heartbroken.

My DS is healthy and happy, but I really do not think i can cope on my own. I feel completely unable to look after him. I dont sleep - i have horrific nightmares and i wake up each time my DS snorts or does that chokey-cough thing.

Just would like some advice on how to cope in these early days?

Thank you x

OP posts:

Original poster

koshka1984 · 27/09/2006 09:12

i feel so low today. its ex-ps birthday today and he's going out tonight.

i was really looking forward to going out, as i missed his last bday, i was working and had to look after him being v.sick in the nightclub where we worked.

he still lives with me so im worried how he will be. i have asked him if he is coming home and he said why wouldnt he be....i thought he might find some girl to go home with but i think that would be worse.

im so fat and unattatractive and i feel so low and i dont want to be around any more. i just want to leave everything behind. maybe itll be better if i did.

OP posts:

nixnoo · 27/09/2006 09:30

Koshka, honey, just stumbled ob this thread of yours.....
You are really having a rough time of it

I think most of us new mums feel fat and unattractive - I have been unexcited about any social activities cos I am still wearing my bloody maternity wear.

But things WILL get better honey. I worry about him living there with you because it is not helping you heal having to deal with him day in and day out.

I know what that is like, wondering if they will come home and making yourself sick with imagining what is going on....
you don't need it, Sweetie....

Please remember this break down is not because of you - he is completely immature.... you are not the one who needs to change, you are doing a great job as a mum, he is spineless.

I would urge you to accept the help of some of the ladies on this website. I feel like I know you from our post natal thread and would love to be able to help more, but am located in London... we could e-mail more if you like?

There are people on this thread who have been through similar to you and can aome and meet yo uwith their babies - DO IT! They genuinely want to help, and you could do with the support {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

I think you are hitting rock bottom today, it will get better, it really will, just keep focused on your baby...
I really think you need to ask him to leave, he should have left when he split with you anyway, he is taking advantage of your good nature...

If he leaves and doesn't see you for a while it COULD be the wake-up call he needs that he wants to try make it work again, but you need to decide if you want it, Love, and having him around is making it impossible for you to think straight.

We are all here for you - chin up... try and do something for YOU today?
xxx

nixnoo · 27/09/2006 10:04

koshka, how u doing?

nixnoo · 27/09/2006 11:33

bump

Tawny75 · 27/09/2006 11:36

I was there too. Myself and DD's biological father split when I was 12 weeks pregnant.

You will get there, just remember, baby steps.

If you want to talk give me a shout tawny75@gmail . com

Original poster

koshka1984 · 27/09/2006 11:42

nixnoo, everyone thanks so much.

me and jake going to town today with my mum and im going to go and have a nice juice or something...need to eat better!

i will be taking up all of your offers of support, i just need to get some backbone first!

OP posts:

mamama · 27/09/2006 15:00

I've felt the same way some days, but we always just about make it through. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up in the morning with this feeling of dread that I had to get through another day. But we did it. You will too. Let people help you! Hope you enjoy being in town. Eating well always makes me feel better (but junk food is soooo much easier & I'm very lazy these days!) Enjoy the company - it's good to get out.

Tawny75 · 27/09/2006 15:10

Been there done that mamama, The crying thing I mean. Also when I went out with her, it seemed everyone else was in a couple and I wasn't. I know I was being irrational at the time.

DD'd dad hasn't seen her now for over 4 yrs, nor has he paid a penny. However the way I see it I have nothing to say thank you for. He couldn't even be arsed to turn up when I registered her birth, so there is a big fat blank space where the father's details should be. Tosser

mamama · 28/09/2006 00:48

I know, everyone is in couples and kids are always at the park with their daddies. Or people always say "my husband/ bf & I ..." Grrrr. And everyone seems to be pregnant or have ew babies and I'm having such a hard time thinking I'll never have any more kids.

Hope your day out went well, Koshka

Original poster

koshka1984 · 28/09/2006 11:36

no, not really.

my ex had his noght out last night and was texting the same lass all last night.

i just want to cry and hurt someone, but mostly myself.
i cannot cope on my own. im lucky that my mum hasnt got a job at the moment, she was made redundant, as otherwise i will have asked ss to take him away.

OP posts:

mamama · 28/09/2006 15:55

Oh Koshka,

If there was anything I could do, I would. I'm so sorry. Hang on in there though - there are lots of people here who are rooting for you...

nixnoo · 29/09/2006 08:36

Hi Koshka,
How are things going?
Hope u ok
x

mamama · 29/09/2006 23:31

bump

Original poster

koshka1984 · 30/09/2006 08:40

feeling really shit today.

if he hates me/ really doesnt love me, then why doesnt he move out? he went out again last night with his sister (who last time encouraged him to dump me for one of her friends)

he was supposed to be seeing his mum yesterday and expected me to go with him...maybe so i can look after jake there and he can just smoke outside and talk to his mum.

just want to cry all the time and i just want to sleep.

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 30/09/2006 08:46

koshka have only just seen this but I am thinking of you. THings will get better hoestly even if it doesnt seem so now.

kiskidee · 30/09/2006 08:53

he hasn't moved out becaue it is convenient for him to live there. (why not be a perpetual teenager if you can find the person to let you be?) hugs hon. it is hard to find the strength to make the changes.

sorry if i am out of place as i haven't kept up with your posts lately.

LittleSarah · 30/09/2006 08:54

I've been in a similar situation, but we broke up when I was pregnant. dd is now 2.5 and we are pretty good friends.

Was very hard at first, felt scared and angry and alone but I had gotten over the hardest break-up stuff by the time dd arrived, which helped in a way I think.

I don't know what to say to you, my gut (which is very harsh) says get him to move out!! I couldn't live with someone I had broken up with, although I do know sometimes you can't do anything else. Can he move in with his mum??

I also would not visit his mum with him either.

If he wants to be a good father, he will, the one thing I have learned is you can't change anyone. When me and me ex broke up I was about 4/5 months and we didn't see each other (he didn't know what he wanted to do re baby) and we didn't meet until about 3 weeks before I was due. He had decided to be a father to his child and he is, but I couldn't make him make that decision, he had to get there on his own.

Hope you feel better!

mamama · 01/10/2006 02:25

I don't know what these 'men' think - if they leave you, then they should do it properly. Think mine hung around for a while, just in case he changed his mind.

Was ds 1st birthday last week, so I planned party, invited people, cleaned, baked (feeling v. smug about that bit), blew up balloons etc. DH had offered to help, but didn't do a thing. Turned up 15 mins late & then spent most of party with ds in another room. Kind of defeated the point of a party! V. pissed off about it all.

Koshka, did you go to his mum's? Can you let him take Jake next time so you can have a bit of time alone? Would that help? I know I desperately need some time by myself, but don't trust dh with baby any more. Don't feel as if they know each other well enough to go out without me. Hope you're feeling bit better.

gisi · 02/10/2006 16:16

Hi koshka, my ex left us, when my our dd was 4 month old. First I thought that I would never make it. But just watch your little one, see the developments, there are changes every day and it's incredible. When they smile it's like a sun rising.
I used to cry a lot and felt like sh**, but you'll get over him. (Hopefully he'll move out soon)
time heals and it will do it for you and your little one. I for myself think that for me it was harder, but for my dd (5yrs) it was easier that way, so she never really got used to him (although she never shied back from him)

I send you all my love and my strength and: no silly thoughts: You are the most important person for your baby and you have the responsibility to move on. It's worth it, believe me Gisi xxxxxxxx

mamamaaargh · 02/10/2006 21:52

Koshka, how are you doing?

maggiesmama · 02/10/2006 22:19

can totally identify. honestly, its tough, no getting around that. but i find there are some advantages. for the brief while my ex and i were together i was so mad when i was, for example, bathing my dd - along the lines of 'where the f* is he' etcetc (in the pub, is the answer). but as soon as i moved out, there wasnt anyone to be mad with and so it was just fun. does that make sense?

i would say i find weekends and evenings, when your pals are with their husbands, pretty isolating. and i would suggest you make an effort to meet people to spend time with then. i honestly thought my pals would be around, knowing i was alone. they werent. but i made some (amazing) new friends who lived nearby and would cook and bring it round and we'd eat together etc. good friends make so muh difference. obvious, but true.

you'll be fine. you just will. and its brilliant. and you'll love it. and it'll be tough too, no mistake. but you'll be grand

good luck

maggiesmama · 02/10/2006 22:20

ps. my ex did a coke deal at ny dd's 2nd birthday party. marvellous

auntymandy · 02/10/2006 22:21

I have left you alone for a bit,but now the thread is active again I am going to ask you again if you fancy meeting up!!!

koshkaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhh · 02/10/2006 22:24

thank you all for your messages.

Auntymandy - yes i do, but i know i will end up being too scared to go, i feel the same just before i meet my friends, my mum has to literally make me go to the door. I know its not normal, i am just so shy! Although i have had two arguments with a bus driver now...would have been unheard of a few months ago!

KoshkaTheFriendlyGhost · 04/10/2006 15:01

urgh...

went out last night and had a few too many shots...! Met the girl that my ex fancies, she hated me on first sight i think which was nice!

So i got back home, he had not put the clean sheet on the cot mattress, or put baby into grobag. Both were still wet in the tumble dryer, even though i put the load on the longest cycle, he 'couldnt work the dryer'. At this moment i was so tired and (pissed) i just went up to bed and told him to sort it!

He slept downstairs with Jake in his bouncy chair....

Was up at 9am the angel slept in...have had a whole carton of orange juice but dont feel too bad. just realise how lonely i am. I met this guy who hates my ex, i never knew he did till yesterday he always said hi to me like he feels sorry for me!

had horrific nightmares again last night, cos obviously i couldnt take my sleeping tablets!

Flip

1 2 3