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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

10 week old baby and a newly single mum....is there light at the end of the tunnel??

75 replies

koshka1984 · 16/09/2006 20:19

Umm, well i think i have asked my question.

The break up was a suprise, I am too 'arsey' apparently. My HV thinks i have PND (going to docs on monday) and im not the best person to have hormones at the best of times.

I have decided that i am not going to try to change his mind. I am completely heartbroken.

My DS is healthy and happy, but I really do not think i can cope on my own. I feel completely unable to look after him. I dont sleep - i have horrific nightmares and i wake up each time my DS snorts or does that chokey-cough thing.

Just would like some advice on how to cope in these early days?

Thank you x

OP posts:
wabbitt · 16/09/2006 22:18

Hiya Koshka - my ds was 4 months old when I found out my dp was batting for a different team. Ds is going to be 1 on Wednesday

You can do this, you know you can. {{{{Hugs}}}} to you and your baby x

magicmummy · 16/09/2006 22:57

Hi Koshka

I've been through what you're going through and although it might not seem like it now - you will get through it. Just take one day at a time, concentrate on the important things - you and your ds.
The feelings you have right now are completely normal - just give yourself some time.
If you want to talk or just want someone to listen, let me know.
If you want, I can always drive through to Harrogate and meet up with you.
My ds2 is 5 months old now and I have some boys clothing Newborn/0-3/3-6 if they are of any use to you.
Don't know where the Yorkshire meet up is or when.
Take care and be strong - you can do it.
Hugs to you and your ds x x x

tribpot · 17/09/2006 19:16

I've missed out on this Yorkshire meet-up as well, off to investigate!

Ah, Christmas meet-up .

Koshka, auntymandy and I live near each other and on the Harrogate side of Leeds, I am quite sure we could be persuaded to get the train up and come and see you (or drive of course, although my ds loves the train).

Original poster
koshka1984 · 18/09/2006 21:46

hey.

went to go to the mother and baby group, got all the way to the front door, then had a panic attack and had to get my mum to pick me up to go back home. I feel so stupid.

We ended up going into town and we bought an octupus toy from elc. I was so tired that my mum took Jake to her friends house so i could sleep. i thought that i would not be abl;e to sleep, but i passed out as soon as i lied down (unusual for me)

I have no clue what to do. im such i coward and im scared. Funnily, my ex called yesterday to ask if i wanted some baby clothes. Dont know if i want to see him will feel even more of a failure

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mumblechum · 18/09/2006 21:58

Don't worry, Koshka, you can go next week. You may have felt a bit too tired and emotional to give it your best shot today anyway. As far as the sleeping is concerned, the best advice I ever got from the paediatrician (my ds1 had very severe disabilities and never slept thru once in his 7 year life), was to have at least one and preferably two doors between you and your baby so you don't hear all those snuffles. If you get enough sleep, you'll be able to muddle thru somehow and altho' you obviously still need to get up to do feeds etc, you don't need to be waking up at every little cough or snuffle. Thinking positive thoughts for you, all the best.

Original poster
koshka1984 · 18/09/2006 22:01

thanks mumblechum.
the only problem is i live with my mum, and the only other bedroom has two walls full of damp (same as kitchen) so he has to sleep in my room. i dont mind. i think im not as bad as i was, however he has a big snuffle problem from about 6am, its about then he cant breath very well.

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mumblechum · 18/09/2006 22:12

Oh, dear, sounds like you have accomodation problems on top of everything else. If you're in a housing association property, you should be able to get a transfer or at least some repairs done if you get your GP to back you up on health grounds. Is your husband in the marital home, or isn't there one, as such?

Original poster
koshka1984 · 18/09/2006 22:24

oh no, im only 22 thank the lord we didnt get married or anything. you know though, everything is all mixed up. but no, hes still living here, but s he works nights, he waits for me to get u p in the morning then goes to bed.
he cannot afford to move out and i am way too much of a softie/still hoping he'll change his mind that ill let him stay till he can afford it.

i am going to apply for housing. round here though it will be a long wait in harrogate it is just impossible to rent. i lived in a one bed flat that was tiny it was 425 a month, then 80ish a month council tax

OP posts:
Original poster
koshka1984 · 18/09/2006 22:51

my mum owns her house bit cant afford to fix the damp

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mumblechum · 19/09/2006 08:27

oh, bugger. bump for you.

Original poster
koshka1984 · 19/09/2006 09:07

i would love to meet with you guys but if i cant go to a mother and baby group ran by my HVthere is no way i would be brave enough to meet anyone!

thanks for all your help. i need to help myself but mostly im just so scared i cant breath.
just cant believe how stupid i am.

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/09/2006 11:39

Small steps, koshka. Mum and baby groups can be quite intimidating, so not surprising you struggled. Can you take ds to baby clinic and just sit and play with the toys, chat to some of the other mums there?

Sorry to hear ex-p is still living with you, hope you can get shot of him soon!

auntymandy · 19/09/2006 11:50

take a deep breath and do it!! I know its hard but after the first big step the rest are so much easier. We are all lovely on here...well I am anyway!!! so go on meet one of us and maybe we could come along to baby group with you?

go on... you can do it!!!!

Original poster
koshka1984 · 19/09/2006 20:52

hey, just called the docs today and the nice doctor that the HV referred me to is busy until monday at 5pm!

she must be good i think she is the oinly busy doctor in a practice of about 11.
thanks for your messages i will have to slap myself a few times before im brave enough!

OP posts:
Original poster
koshka1984 · 19/09/2006 21:16

btw stitch - thank you. i read your post on another thread

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mummymic · 19/09/2006 22:03

hey sweetie - i dumped my fella at 3 months pregnant - best decision ever! ds now 19 weeks and dd 2
just think - all those baby cuddles just for you !
it does get easier - the old cliche 'time heals'
i live in blackpool but have a car and me and my babies are always on the lookout for new friends - no matter how near or far they may be (we have a friend in shropshire that we visit for the day - and thats a 5/6 hour round trip, so coming to you would be a breeze!!)
if you would like us to come over and meet up we will be quite happy to xx

auntymandy · 20/09/2006 15:57

Koshka I am just down the road really and can meet you anytime. Go on mail me. once you have done it once it will be ok. I will come to a toddler group with you too if you like.
[email protected]

Vindaloo · 20/09/2006 16:52

Koshka you are doing great!! you need to concentrate on your baby and not waste your energy on your ex. I know its hard but you have to preserve your emotional energy for yourself and your baby.

My dd is now 2.6 yrs and I split from her dad before I found out I was pregnant and he doesnt want to know his daughter, he has totally washed his hands off her. At first I made such an effort to try and get him to have some sort of relationship with his child but eventually realised and decided its not worth getting emotionally f*ked by him.

I am not going to lie, doing it in on your own can sometimes be really hard and stressful and (like me too) do not have much support as your family are far away. Feeling anxious at night about all the noises your baby makes is really normal - dont worry.

Enjoy your baby XX

auntymandy · 21/09/2006 12:18

each day you get through is a day you have done it alone and one to be proud of.
Please be brave and mail me or someone else near by and we can meet up for a coffee somewhere. A little company will help loads

nearlythree · 21/09/2006 22:59

Hi, koshka, how are you doing?

Original poster
koshka1984 · 22/09/2006 17:30

hey. im ok. looking forward to monday, it is my doctors appointment - i have had top wait a week for it!

i am ok as long as i dont think for too long!
just want to sleep really..

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HappyMumof2 · 22/09/2006 18:29

Message withdrawn

nearlythree · 22/09/2006 21:41

koshka, hope that all goes well on Monday. And you know you can CAT me at any time.

Original poster
koshka1984 · 26/09/2006 14:08

Hello....

i went to the docs and she gave me some low dose sleeping tablets, cos im having the nightmares she didnt really want me to have any other tablets that might make them worse.

They are really low dose, so i think i would be able to get up in the middle of the night!
Went to bed at 10pm when jake went to bed last night, i slept and didnt have a nightmare!

Also, jake slept till 6am, so that was cool!
hes a good boy so smilie and gorgeous!

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mamama · 27/09/2006 03:01

I have been there , and still am. My DH walked out when our DS was 3 months old. Big pain as we're married and live overseas so are thousands of miles from family and now have to get divorced, relocate, get a job etc. Like you he lived with us (sleeping on sofa) for months, then moved into a friend's house without even telling me! Am furious at the way he has treated us, but now my DS is 1. I made it through our first year, more or less alone. It was so hard - those first 3 - 4 months really are the most difficult. After that things just get better. You get smiles, hugs, big sloppy kisses, then crawling & walking & words. And you'll get to see all that and know that you are doing an amazing job. I really hope you get some sleep soon. Please know that things do get better, You get to know your child & how things work for the two of you and you get through each day 1 at a time. There were some days when I thought we'd never make it but we have & I know that we'll be ok. Am devastated that DS will grow up without his Daddy and I'll never get over that.

I will be returning to Leeds in December and would love to meet up with other mums & babies. I know my boy is a bit older than yours but we'd love the company...

Best advice I can offer is know you are doing really well, even if you don't feel like it & that things get soooo much easier. Going out really helped me - just for a walk with the baby in the buggy or to the library or something - you might bump into other mums there too. I had to force myself to go out but am so glad I did. I have met some wonderful friends who have been really supportive. Last thing, if anyone offers to help you, let them! I am very stubborn and am still learning to let people help = it makes such a difference!