Am I allowed to ask for his plans for our DC's in advance?

[rockpink]

I am sick to the back teeth of STBXH texting me on a Wed and saying "can I see kids on Sat". I have usually made plans.

I have asked him for two years now to send me a three month plan in advance - just so both DC's and I will know where they are and when.
We can and will arrange holidays and days out around his plans, as I think they should see him and his new girlfriend and all her kids and their two new kids together. They are family at the end of the day.

Despite my two being overlooked, shouted at and bullied by the other kids and bossed around by STBXH and his GF (SIL told me how shocked she was at seeing this over Christmas) the DC's seem to enjoy their company.

I also think that they should be allowed to have a sleepover at his place every other weekend - like the DC's ask for - but he only wants them for 2-3 hours on a Saturday.

However as he is a total arsehole, he hasn't seen them for 5 weeks now, as I have stuck to my guns and said no - send me a plan.

I really feel like taking this to a solicitor, am I a loony for thinking this?

Does he have a normal 9-5 job? In which case he should be able to suggest a routine for contact. Not sure the significance of 3 months though?? If EOW is too much for him () then he should be specific and commit to once every 3 /4 weeks so you can plan your life.

Well the company he works for is a bit tight and asks him to work every day, although he's paid well for it.
I specified 3 months as once he gave me a list of dates from Jan to March and it was great for the DC's to look at and look forward to.

I tried to do this with ex. It worked if he gave his rotas. But it got to the point where it was me running after him and hassling him for them. So I stopped. Go to a solicitor for eow and then stick to them dates.

I am being thick here I am sure! but what's EOW?

I stopped asking him when as whenever I asked if the DC's could stay, or see him, he was too busy with his girlfriend and her kids. There were so many excuses I gave up asking.

I suggested that when he had his kids, just for perhaps an hour, to be alone with them at the park but got my head bitten off for that as now he comes as part of a "package" apparently.

Every other weekend. I've found that ex always wanted to have an upper hand in some way and got that through contact. Don't give him that control. How old are your dcs

ah...of course! Well I kept asking for that but he does like the upper hand. (Or he's told to have the upper hand IMHO)
DC's are DD (8) who is utterly beautiful and clever and he should be proud of her, DS is 6 and is a gorgeous, sunny little boy full of beans and cheekiness. He hasn't even asked about their school reports, mind you neither have his family.
DS called my OH Daddy on Saturday, I was mortified, poor lad was proper embarrassed.

Ahh so they must understand some of what's going on?
I think talk to a solicitor. He definitely can't
demand time with them. There needs to be some sort of consistency. V unfair to dcs x do not give him the upper hand and minimise talking between yourselves. This might not be the best advice but it's what worked for me. And ex v much tried to control me and the situation through dd.
Don't worry about the daddy thing. :)
Hope it all gets easier xx

Oh and if he doesn't want a part in their life, don't push for it. You're not his mum and frankly it's not worth the stress x MEN!!!!

When I get a text message from him I find myself rolling my eyes, it'll be a "how dare you have told DC'S this" or "how dare you say that" or "your children's behaviour is disgraceful".

I usually reply now with "yawn" as I feel if I dont reply with anything he'll think he's "won" whatever pathetic battle is going on in his miniscule mind.

Just don't reply. It's so hard not replying but that's what he wants. You to reply so he can start an argument. Just don't give him the satisfaction. Lol@your children. That's just lovely. They will see him for what he's about. Jus gonna take a while.
It does take a while for things to settle, believe me. It took 18 months for him to realise he can't start an argument with me. And for that to happen I didn't even say hello at drop offs let alone a conversation. Hello was enough to start an argument lol

Yes! That's him exactly! I'd rather not speak to him at all! I have tried all ways, believe me.

Now he wont enter my house unless his GF is with him, won't see the dc's bedrooms, refused to see DC'S here on xmas day unless she was there, and I stood my ground & said "they're your kids not hers" so he didnt see them at all.

His parents think she's wonderful, managing a beautiful house and all those kids.

Yep.....!!!! lucky lucky girl!!

Hope he's paying maintenance!!!! I think it's a good idea that he doesn't come into your house. Gives that bit of distance. In regards to Xmas alternate yearly? I agree with people who usually post saying Xmas day doesn't need to be on a fixed day

He failed to pay for a long time, went on his holidays to Ibiza instead and expected my parents to help me out financially!
I went to the CSA who took his arrears in large chunks which of course made me the wicked witch as he couldn't afford to feed his family. He very publicly said I was a cow for getting the CSA onto him.
his haha. His own kids were here with me scared to put the heating on.

Clearly, he is a complete dick. However, you can't get a court order to force a parent to see a child, particularly a parent who works every day and so isn't actually available. If you did get an order, (if, for example, he said that's what he wanted) it would commit you and not him - eg you would have to have the DC's ready and available, even if he didn't turn up.

I also don't think that preventing the DC from seeing him for extended periods in order to control him and force him to do what you want (eg provide a 3 month plan) is OK. You've said they enjoy their contact, and they have a right to it. I know exactly what you mean, it should be routine and planned and overnight and BETTER, but it isn't going to be. sometimes you have to accept what is offered (and it took me a long time to accept it.)

Could you come up with a plan yourself? Put down weekends when you have plans and let him know the DC's are available on the other weekends. That way you have boundaries in place and aren't at his beck and call, but there is more chance that the DC's will get to see their Dad.

I've tried giving him a plan a few times but he has rejected every single date saying it's not convenient and they have plans.
I agree I cant force him to see them, and that the dc's do need to see him, but I want it on our terms, he is not controlling us any more.

He's a dick, absolutely.

The DC's are not accepting his scraps of attention when he can be arsed, I will not have it, I think if he won't even care enough about them to give me an idea of when he can have them, in advance, then he can go forth and multiply!!

Sorry I ranted a bit there, PMT

I think more damage could be done making a child spend time with someone who doesn't give a shit than if they never see them.

Three months is ridiculous, imo. 2 or 4 weeks at a time should be sufficient in most cases.

If he texts you on a Wednesday and asks for them on a Saturday, if it's ok text back ok, if not, text back no. It's not exactly rocket science? Don't change you plans or wait until he makes up his mind - live your own lives and if he fits into that, then fine.

It's just that he did give us a three month plan once and it was great

And it sounds like it worked well for him too, by the sounds of things. You say his boss is difficult and it really sounds like he is trying what he can, tbh. I guess he could be demanding on his boss, but how would that effect his job/working conditions?

He is not trying at all, imo. And it worked for us, I dont know if it worked for him.

He works every day because he owes the company time/money.

He said he'd see his kids twice a week and come round and read, come to parents evenings and take them to places.

He's never once lived up to any promise, hence I want it in writing what he promises to do.

I thought asking for a plan in advance is reasonable, don't others do that? My pals ex gives him her work rota so they can book holidays and sort out weekends, it works very well for them!

Maybe I'm just jealous of their ability to plan the future and saddened by my inability to

rockpink - it would appear you and I have the same type of twunt for an ex.

Although, this weekend for the first time he stood up for his DCs, he had them for one of the 6 weekends he tries to have them for the year.

He had planned a day out on Sunday for him and his 2DCs, new DP decides to start crying and wailing and saying he wants him to stay with her for the day and it is not fair. Eldest DC took great delight in telling me, Mummy, Daddy stuck up for us - notsure what he meant he said, Daddy said you get me 365 days of the year, they do not I am doing something with them for the next 8 hrs!!!

First time in 3 yrs he has put his DCS ahead of selfish DP - I am still sitting here with my jaw on the floor.

I get called usually at 1430 to say he is doing school pick up, weekends if you want to go away , he wants to come and see them etc.Despite telling him since Jan that i had booked holiday from Aug 1-14, two weeks ago he tells me he is taking them awya. Not this time - I have stuck to my guns and refused to abck down like I did last year.

No answers I know your pain - 21 days out of 365 last year contact.

I think I should maybe work that out as well - see how many days he's been forced to endure them poor lamb!