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Another interfering OW thread... WWYD?

85 replies

whattodoforthebest2 · 30/06/2014 10:26

So DD15 sees XH and OW every weekend and more often than not comes home with hair done differently, plans for a dramatic haircut, new make-up and clothes wish list etc etc. This has been the case from the word go (several years now) and I've managed to keep calm and make small (or not so small) changes as and when. She recently came home asking if OW could take her for a haircut in the summer holidays - the on my face was adequate response.

I try to ignore and carry on but it really pisses me off and I wish she'd stop trying to encourage DD to do this. OW is a lot younger than me, but I'm happy for DD to get clothes, make-up, dip-dyed hair etc. It's the constant input from her that makes me see red. Before long I'll be suggesting DD takes their DD1 for a haircut!! So WWYD?

OP posts:

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WakeyCakey45 · 13/08/2014 16:08

No the OW are the filthy, impolite, money sucking, contact blocking bitches!!! There is no sisterhood and trust no one!!!!

Says a lot about your ex's taste in woman, doesn't it ?

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thecandymancan · 21/08/2014 19:14

Interesting thread... I can see it must be painful for you to feel your dd is enjoying time with someone her dad chose to be with over you but that doesn't mean she's doing the same, just that she is happy and settled into her blended family. Isn't that what you want?

If it's about her doing things you don't like then that's a different matter and one you should take up with her dad.

I also think it would help you to try and move on a bit emotionally. She's not the OW is she. She's your exes wife.

The only person you'll hurt if you carry on is your dd and yourself.

Nobody will EVER replace you, you're her mum! Your exes wife may just be trying to build a relationship with your dd for dds sake. There's also the possibility she is doing a little bit of playing off between you both.

But either way your dd is happy and that surely is a good thing?

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thecandymancan · 21/08/2014 19:14

I mean maybe dd is playing you off against her stepmum....

(My ds does this with me and his dad!)

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TheCraicDealer · 21/08/2014 20:00

Referring to her as the OW seems to keep you in a suspended state. Like you're still living in a time when she took something you wanted (you needed) from you. Do you need him anymore? Is their life the one you want? Calling her the OW turns her into a weird bogey woman you can blame for the your life imploding- why give her that power, eight years later?

With three kids and a wedding, likelihood is she's here to stay. She's doing quite standard superficial stuff with your dd- hair and make-up are things a lot of teenagers are into. I'd be more pissed if it was a really niche interest, but it sounds like this is the limit of what they have in common. They seem to get on enough to rub along nicely, but they're not best mates and it doesn't appear like she's trying to cultivate a traditional maternal relationship. That's pretty good.

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Whatever21 · 21/08/2014 23:14

Craic dealer - Op gets it, step is doing nice things with her kids and for that she is grateful. however, like the step forum she is on lone parents to vent and get some support.

She will always be the OW to OP - because of the circumstances.

I am 3 yrs down the line, OW is and always will be OW, with all her insecurities bitchiness and foul treatmemt to my DCS.I envy OP that her OW does seem to be doing the right thing.

In my life OW will always be OW, ex friend, who lied to my Ex that she was pregnant to make him leave. Just happened to be 6 weeks after we found out one of my parents had terminal Ca and he had said lets make it work. Sadly pregnancy was fake, like wise the pregnancy she allegedly had and required her to text and phone my EX throughout my parents funeral and wake.

Believe me, he and she may be happy but she is always the OW, never anything else.

I have moved on emotionally and romantically but I will never ever forget the shit the OW has and continues to wreak on my family.

Sorry am sick to death of hearing how the Ex needs to suck it up, we do daily for our kids but sucking it up and forgiving are not in some of our realms to do. Be there, experience it and then say even 20yrs later that the OW is not the OW. This is no longer about my EX - but everything else that she does that affects my DCS and our life. She is not a stepmother to my children, she is a barrier to them having a proper father child relationship with her consistent lies, histrionics and neediness

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wafflyversatile · 21/08/2014 23:32

8 years is a long time not to move on. Having an affair is a shit way to end a marriage but there aren't many pain-free ones. There comes a point where you are responsible for your own happiness and you can't keep blaming them. I speak as someone who has taken aeons to move on myself. After the first year I can't really keep using the break up as an excuse for my unhappiness.

I get what you're saying, I'm sure I would have similar feelings some times, but she's his partner of 8 years and your daughter has a good relationship with them, it seems.

Please get out there and live your life the best you can. I worry that your daughter will feel somehow responsible and guilty for your singledom at some point.

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thecandymancan · 22/08/2014 07:25

That's a good point waffly.
My DPs parents split when he was early teens and his mother never settled with anyone else. She made her hurt very very visible and he was, and is plagued with guilt for (a) feeling he was responsible for mums loneliness and (b) liking his stepmum.

I see it with 6yo dd of my DP. She'll look all sad at mine, I'll ask her what's wrong and she'll say that he likes it here but that makes her mum feel sad. She can't express it anymore but it hurts.

I also have to listen to my ds telling me the woman his dad spends all hi time with (who apparently isn't his girlfriend) Is really fun and really pretty so I do get it how it stabs a bit but I'm just grateful she shows an interest in my ds...

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GEM33 · 25/08/2014 06:16

It's not fair. It's a situation we did not choose to be in and not the life we wanted for our kids. The ow is in our child's life against our wishes. We didn't hand pick them as we would any other child care giver. We didn't vet them to make sure they pass a mothers fitness to be in our child's life test as we would anyone else. How dare anyone ask what is our problem.
The ow is a thorn in our lives that has been thrust in there by a hurtful man dumping our hopes and dreams of a family unit.
As mothers, We don't own our children we are guardians of their precious lives and having an ow forced upon our beautiful babies is in my eyes one of the most painful torturous things to go through and constantly deal with, I'm sure op is a wonderful mother and person and she's come on here to vent. I'm sure in general life she copes silently and with dignity with the pain of her dd spending time with ow. Give some credit and support.
I feel you op x much love

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WakeyCakey45 · 25/08/2014 07:43

We didn't hand pick them as we would any other child care giver. We didn't vet them to make sure they pass a mothers fitness to be in our child's life test as we would anyone else. How dare anyone ask what is our problem.

That applies to all stepmums; whether or not they were the "OW", doesn't it?

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Whatever21 · 25/08/2014 19:25

that is true - However, the history in any case of OW puts a completely different slant on the relationship.

I do believe most step mums do a good job.However there are like EXes, a number that make life hell for the DCS involved.

Dealing with the OW/EX and their needs on a weekly basis and being expected to plan your life round their needs - sucks and will do until I no longer have to speak to them.