Another interfering OW thread... WWYD?

[whattodoforthebest2]

So DD15 sees XH and OW every weekend and more often than not comes home with hair done differently, plans for a dramatic haircut, new make-up and clothes wish list etc etc. This has been the case from the word go (several years now) and I've managed to keep calm and make small (or not so small) changes as and when. She recently came home asking if OW could take her for a haircut in the summer holidays - the on my face was adequate response.

I try to ignore and carry on but it really pisses me off and I wish she'd stop trying to encourage DD to do this. OW is a lot younger than me, but I'm happy for DD to get clothes, make-up, dip-dyed hair etc. It's the constant input from her that makes me see red. Before long I'll be suggesting DD takes their DD1 for a haircut!! So WWYD?

[Smelsa]

Oh, leave her alone. She obviously still feels strongly about the woman who contributed to her life falling apart. Does it matter what term she uses to describe her after the fact?

[whattodoforthebest2]

Thanks for your comments everyone - for those more and those less understanding.... They are married now and have 3DC, but as has been commented, she is still the OW in my eyes and she chose to embark on a relationship with a married man and father with young DC. Of course, he's equally to blame.

8 years on, I don't have a partner - it's difficult organising my time with DC at home and little notice of when it's convenient for DD to go to visit XH - it's getting more disorganised as time's going on, not helped by the fact that DD organises it herself (NC between XH and I). It's more important to me to be at home rather than out in the evening - although that's changing gradually now she doesn't mind me going out.

This is a precious time for me with DD (sorry if it's too gushy) - before I know it she'll be off living her life away at uni - all good, before you suggest I'd try and stop her - I wouldn't dream of it.

It's difficult writing about something that matters so much. Of course I'll tough it out and put on a brave face, but it's shit.

[clam]

"Second wives can't win."

Yeah, karma's a bitch, isn't it?

[LtEveDallas]

Where is the Karma in marrying a divorced man?

Or are you saying that all second wives must have had an affair with their DH whilst he was married to his first wife?

Because that would be rather silly, wouldn't it?

[clam]

Well it might be "rather silly" if I'd said that, but I didn't.
Within the context of this thread, where the OP is talking about an OW scenario, my point is that if you shack up with a married man who has children, then it is not unlikely that there could be issues along the way.

[frodo1]

Thought I'd add from a different view I was not the ow but my dh has a daughter who I met when she was 6 now 14, I have 2dcs and always made time to spend alone with them DSD mum did not do this as she also has 2 other kids, so when DSD asked me when she was 10 if we could go shopping together as she liked the way me and my dcs dressed I took her, she also asks my opinion on her hair and make up and says because I'm more trendy than her mum now I took that as a compliment and never thought I'd be tredding on her mums toes! The only time I did was when she said to me if me and my siblings need clothes mum just goes out and buys them without us so be told her I want to go with u from now on, her mum rang dh to complain I was taking over but dh replied it was up to DSD. I know kids love their mums but they can also love stepmums too. Xx

[frodo1]

Thought I'd add from a different view I was not the ow but my dh has a daughter who I met when she was 6 now 14, I have 2dcs and always made time to spend alone with them DSD mum did not do this as she also has 2 other kids, so when DSD asked me when she was 10 if we could go shopping together as she liked the way me and my dcs dressed I took her, she also asks my opinion on her hair and make up and says because I'm more trendy than her mum now I took that as a compliment and never thought I'd be tredding on her mums toes! The only time I did was when she said to me if me and my siblings need clothes mum just goes out and buys them without us so be told her I want to go with u from now on, her mum rang dh to complain I was taking over but dh replied it was up to DSD. I know kids love their mums but they can also love stepmums too. Xx

[Juicyjuicer]

If your DD is 15 why are you worrying about her plans with her father? Surely by that age the plans don't have to be that regimented? By that age you begin to want to spend more time with your friends anyway and don't want to be tied into set access days with your mum and dad.

I don't understand the comments about OW and 'karma' and 'bumps along the way' after all it's not OW that seems to have the problem here. It also seems like after all these years you do seem to place more blame on OW for the marriage breakdown than the EXH. is there a part of you still in love with your ex and that's really why you haven't moved on?

OP you haven't said anything that particularly shows the OW stepping on your toes so I still don't really get the issue? All I can make of it is that there is a slight feeling of jealousy that DD is having a good time with SM and it's irritating as hell. But seriously if this OW has 3 of her own she isn't exactly a threat to you and your daughters relationship is she?

[whattodoforthebest2]

The wife and mother who has to pick up the oieces

Thats it, isn't it? One minute there's a partnership, a sounding board, a support system, a back-up, the involvement of extended family etc and the next, it's wiped out from under your feet and you're left standing there alone, wondering how you get through it, how you get your kids through it and how on earth you're going to arrive at a place that looks and feels anything like normality.

It's a huge burden, our kids are forced to share it and we have to witness the fallout.

[Juicyjuicer]

Yes divorce is hard on kids. I am from a divorced family but now I'm an adult I would never have wanted my parents to stay in a loveless marriage for my sake. My parents are so different it's a wonder they got together in the first place. I have turned out ok! It's not always the end of the world for the children.

Is this the real problem do you miss your ex?

[RainbowsStars]

I would hate it as well so I can see why you don't like it. Maybe it is just a way that your dd is finding that she can be in the company of OW without either ignoring each other completely or having arguments with her, she could be just doing it to keep the peace so she can enjoy time with her Dad?

[isittheweekendyet]

I have a dd so can understand how you must feel.

However as the step mum to my dsd I also know how important it is that the parents in these situations put the children first.

She may have been the OW. She is now your daughters step mum. Your dd has half siblings. The family unit you had planned has changed. This is painful but that is the reality.

As much as it is painful for you to hear and see the fun your dd is having, be thankful that she is enjoying her time with her dad and his wife. Also be thankful that she is comfortable coming back and talking to you about it. My dsd went through a phase of hiding any evidence of what we had done when she was with us because her mum made her feelings about me and her dad (& I wasn't the OW) so clear, that dsd was totally caught in the middle and terrified of upsetting her mum.

She is 15. You will always be her mum, no one can change that relationship. Let her enjoy her time with both parents and respective families, and be happy that she is happy.

[whattodoforthebest2]

Rainbow - no, it's not an act at all, they get on very well and I know that things could be a lot worse from that point of view.

Juicy - the whole (extended) family is split in two now (rarely in contact) and I miss the life we had. We'd spent a long time building it, it felt like we were in a good place and it took me completely by surprise when he left. The old cliche, I suppose, he was feeling neglected.

[Juicyjuicer]

I feel for you whats but you can still build a new life with someone else. As time goes on you tend to start forgetting all the bad and only remember the good, looking back with rose tinted specs. Was you really surprised? Was everything really that good between you? Feeling neglected usually happens over a long period of time which means he probably wasn't happy for a while and meeting the OW was his out. It's a cliche but true in a lot of cases.

[whattodoforthebest2]

I agree about forgetting the bad... But I genuinely was surprised, we'd had ups and downs of course and were stressed with young DC, moving schools, moving house etc. I'd never have walked away from my marriage and I didn't think he was a quitter either. Among our friends and family, we were the ones they thought were least likely to split up. I'd never have gone through the upheaval of moving house if I'd thought it was all going pear shaped.

[Juicyjuicer]

It seems a common theme in divorce IME that after a big house move or job change the marriage breaks down. It's like men spend there whole time striving towards something only to find that when they get there it's not what it's cracked up to be.

I assume you moved around 8 years ago (going by when you said you split up). Maybe you could move again to a house with no memories close to friends and family (assuming you are not already). Sometimes clearing out everything from the past helps you to move on. Is this an option or are you tied by schools etc?

My dad once said to me that he thought my mum loved the life he provided more than him. Really stuck with me.

[antimatter]

She is her step-mother. If she wants to pay for your dd's new make up/clothes/haircut - let them do it.

Are you unhappy if your dd makes similar decisions on purchases/new make up choices/new clothedwith her friends?

Or is it the fact that you still are upset about your ex leaving you and the person who you are most unhappy with his OW and not your ex?

[Whatever21]

AS I said once an OW you will always be the OW to the wronged person.

Karma is about this person and my EXH feeling the same pain, desolation, fear, anger that they inflicted and still inflict when they cause the DCS pain.They are both responsible - this thread has been about the OW.

It is irrelevant of time, happenings etc.

I have moved on, my feelings for EXH are equally strong in their condemnation - but he is the DCS father and we have to get along for their sake - and we do.

There is nothing that says, I have to get along with a woman, who treats my DCS like an inconvience when they go to. They all went away for the weekend - her DCS, their new DC and mine were excluded ( again) because no room in the car. A woman who texted DH through my mums funeral claiming she was miscarrying she was not (affair going on then), who reported me to the benefit office( not doing anything) child protection, council tax office and immigration that I was abducting my DCs to go on holiday. To the woman who thinks EXH should not pay maintenance because I work like a dog to earn enough monies for us - she works part time, who refuses to let DCS see him EOW as she needs time with EXH on her own - who phones constantly when he does see them, texts and interferes ( DCS tell me) - we make a point of taking DCS out together for cakes and coffee 1-2 per month - so they can talk to both their parents at the same time and tell us together what they want, need etc. Phone now stays in the car.

Smiling to keep the DCS happy, whilst a smug bitch rubs it in your face that she won never changes. She is and always will be the OW to three other women.

[LaurieFairyCake]

A quick bit of advice is to try and focus on what is special about you and your daughters relationship

Let the OW witter on about fashion and haircuts - maybe you've got loads of other things you can talk to her about seeing as you actually know her inside out.

Haircuts and fashions are superficial. That's all they have.

[Smo2]

I completely get your pain, I put up with the same bollocks constantly. It really smarts that the woman who played a part in wrecking your marriage gets to play happy families with your kids. In my case, she actively goes out of her way to do things in the hope it will piss me off...I never ever respond. I throw the leopard print clothes she buys my daughter out at the earliest opportunity and smile and say how lovely she is...when all I want to do is smash her face in regularly.

I'm entitled to feel like that, and so are you. I hate sharing my kids with her, and I hope eventually she will fuck off with someone else, as she did before she met my OH to another family, and then before that to her own marriage.

My sister is a step mum, a bloody great one.... She met her oh after he was divorced, but coping with the one that happily spent years screwing your husband requires a great deal more from you emotionally. Anyone here who thinks is as simple as everyone should just get along clearly hasn't been in the situation. I think people have been harsh, I completely get where you're coming from. When I had my daughter, I never expected to have to share motherhood with a step mother....it really hurts.

[Juicyjuicer]

In this case - I hardly think reading a few magazines and suggesting a haircut is 'sharing motherhood'. If that's the case I'm a step mother to most people I know.

[Smo2]

It's more than that though...it's the thought that you have years of this crap to out up with. It's the fact that you have to even have it happen in the first place. It goes much deeper then trying not to be offended because they discussed haircuts.

[EarthWindFire]

My DP has it from the other side. His ex wife had an affair so he is the one that didn't want the divorce, yet he has to just 'suck up' the OM playing happy families with his children and sees them more often than he does. This hurts incredibly.

[Smo2]

A spectacularly stupid comment.... Well done