Another interfering OW thread... WWYD?

[whattodoforthebest2]

So DD15 sees XH and OW every weekend and more often than not comes home with hair done differently, plans for a dramatic haircut, new make-up and clothes wish list etc etc. This has been the case from the word go (several years now) and I've managed to keep calm and make small (or not so small) changes as and when. She recently came home asking if OW could take her for a haircut in the summer holidays - the on my face was adequate response.

I try to ignore and carry on but it really pisses me off and I wish she'd stop trying to encourage DD to do this. OW is a lot younger than me, but I'm happy for DD to get clothes, make-up, dip-dyed hair etc. It's the constant input from her that makes me see red. Before long I'll be suggesting DD takes their DD1 for a haircut!! So WWYD?

[Smo2]

Of course it is.... That's why your statement was stupid.... It's just fair to acknowledge how difficult that is.... That's what I was saying ...

[Smo2]

That's why I said it was unhelpful

[sanityseeker75]

I am not fond of my DP's ex and I would say that those feelings are doubled back at me.

I know she does not like that I do more stuff with the kids than she does but they are with me EW so that is inevitable. When DSS was 3 or 4 I remember him saying my mommy never does anything with me. I told him that she had to do all the looking after him though and loved him very much.

In reality she just isn't interested in doing stuff like swimming and parks and walks and things with them and does not see the point in holidays.

We are very different in that way but I never even let a look pass over my face to suggest that I think this is anything but normal because I love the kids regardless of my feelings about their mom or even her feelings about me and I and damn sure that I will never make the kids feel that they have to be in the middle.

I know that the kids love me as they tell me, they text me when they are not with me (yes me not just their dad) and we have built up years of relationship and trust (and out of all the adults in their life I am probably the strictest).

I have grown more accepting as the years have gone on but I think long term that as these kids grow up they will have many reasons to celebrate and I will be there at their wedding and their children will be my grandchildren and whilst I know their mum would not have chosen to share these moments she accepts that this will happen or her children will get hurt by excluding someone that has been a major influence in their life.

My ex on the other hand (he left me) refuses to let my son speak about me or anything that he does in our house. He picks him up from around the corner and makes it clear that we are completely separate and has resisted any attempt to co-parent and as my son has got older my ex has distanced himself from him more and more. My DH on the other hand has a brilliant relationship with my son and I know will always be part of his life. My DH and DS often go cinema together and stuff that is of no interest to me so when my DS has celebratory moments in life it is most definitely my ex that will be standing awkwardly on the side lines.

Its hard but I think you have to think of the long game. SP even OW could end up being in your children's life forever and that means that as people who love them we can come on here and rant all we want because that is what it is for but in RL sometimes we have to suck it up and get on with it the best we can

[IUsedToUseMyHands]

OP some of these replies are horrible; people should be ashamed of themselves. I completely understand how you must feel. You do well to come on here and rant and not allow it to show for your DD in RL. Keep doing what you are doing you sound like you are handling a difficult situation with grace.

[whattodoforthebest2]

Thank you all for your supportive comments - and for the perspective.

I'm glad my DC are in regular contact with their DF, I'm also glad they have the joy of experiencing younger siblings and growing up/older with them. But how this chapter started will always throw a dark shadow over my life and how I view their DF's family. I think it's unavoidable but maybe these feelings will fade in time. There will undoubtedly be numerous celebrations to come which I'll have to share with this other family and I'll certainly have to suck those up and get over it. The current topic of interest is the suggestion of having all 6DC's initials tattooed on each other - I resign myself to all sorts of things I'll encounter that will cut me to the quick.

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

Wow, well given how their relationship started she certainly has a lot more faith in his commitment to her than I would have! That must be hard for you OP. I made my DP a picture which included details and names of both of our families. I didn't really consider at the time how his ex might feel seeing her dcs' name alongside mine, but I have since felt a bit guilty about it (and I wasn't even the OW).

I don't know how you ever get past that tbh, but I do feel for you.

[whattodoforthebest2]

I think it's a completely different situation tho' when you're both separated/divorced and a new partner appears on the scene. Then you've had time to acknowledge that a new family is a possibility - in my case, the new partner, home, family etc happened in very quick succession i.e. we weren't divorced yet.

[Juicyjuicer]

How long had you been seperated? Was you under the impression there was still a possibility of making it work? If so then of course all these things you mention must cut like a knife as it was unexpected.

[whattodoforthebest2]

Basically XH moved out, saying our marriage wasn't working - I found out a week later he'd been having an affair (for several months at least, I believe). I didn't tell him I knew. He said he'd made a mistake, wanted to come back. I refused. A few months later he introduced OW to DC, shortly after bought a house together, a few more months pg and so on.

[Juicyjuicer]

It's confusing for you that he said he had made a mistake and then went on to marry and have kids with the OW. Why didn't he fight to get you back? I mean obviously you wouldn't want him back once you knew about affair but you'd think he'd at least try!?

I suppose you can always have that in your mind that he really wanted to get back with you I bet the OW doesn't realise that in her little bubble.

[whattodoforthebest2]

Well yes, I suppose that's been at the back of my mind. It was a while before I told him I knew about her tho'. When he came back he didn't know why I'd said no, so he left it. In hindsight, if I'd gone berserk and told him what I knew, things might have been different. I don't doubt that he's never told her about that part of it. To my mind, he'd made his choice.

[Happybeard]

Pick your battles and keep the face to yourself. If you put yourself in your daughters shoes, she's probably excited by all the attention she's getting from step mum right now but it'll wear off

[Whatever21]

Whattodo = I understand, where you are coming from.

The people who tell you to suck it up for the sake of your DCs, either are an OW or have no compassion.

We suck it up on a daily basis, for the sake of the DCs. I want one day for the OW to feel the same pain, betrayal, heartache and devastation that actions like hers and the twunts cause, on often unsuspecting partners and children.

I have moved on, new relationship - but no one can underestimate how hard it is for me to hear her name or anything she may or may not have done - even now.

The lack of facing the fall out of what they have done and living in cloud cuckoo land, as if everyone is happy is really hard to take. I am polite and never slag her off- only because if I do, contact disappears and the DCs suffer.

[Happybeard]

Not the OW. Lost DD's dad to the OW when dd was a year old.

I still think we should minimise the faces for our kids when they come home with this stuff

[MargotThreadbetter]

It's the circumstances of the split I find.

The OW is very very different to someone your ex meets after a split.
There's something about the character of a woman that happily contributes to the trashing of a child's life, then wants to play step mummy to that same child that makes my skin crawl.

OP, I hear you. X

[MeMyselfAnd1]

Well, my ex had an affair with a mutual friend, He didn't leave me for another woman, the marriage broke down neither if us enjoyed spending any time with each other: I found him arrogant, selfish and resented his presence. He found me resentful, too focused on DS and unwilling to go on going out as if we didn't have a child.

If our marriage had been nice and solid, he wouldn't have been flattered by the attention of another woman (obviously he is also to blame for reciprocating that attention but this wouldn't have happened if our marriage wasn't already about to colapse). I'm telling you this not because I want to hurt you but because thinking this (or accepting that I was also responsible for the marriage break down) has saved me from a lot of bitterness. As the saying goes "forgive not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve to have peace.

Stop calling her the OW will help you to be in control, calling her the OW puts you in the seat of the victim which you might be), but honestly you don't want to feel like a victim until the end of your life.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I'm a stepmother as well as mother to three dc with my dh.

I wasn't the OW. Met dh when sd was 9.

She idolised me. I was younger than her mum, worked in an industry that she adored. I was into all the stuff that some 9 year old girls think they'll want when they're older.

Her mum used to throw out everything I had bought her when she got home. No leopard print!!! And it used to drive me mad.

Then one day at drop off I watched ds with her mum and I could have died!

"Walter does this" "Walter knows x" "Walter wears these"....

It was only then I realised how awful that must have been for her mum! And now that I have my own impressionable dd I can imagine it even more.

I feel for you. In my case it wasn't intentional. It probably isn't in step-mum's case either, but I know that doesn't stop it hurting!

[angelwings3]

Well why would you want some OW who encouraged your exH with open(legs) to leave you and your DC's to play happy families with your DC'S I am dreading the day and I have been putting it off for 12 months now and the fact my DC's don't want to meet her. She too constantly phones the EXH and texts him when he has the children, so I constantly text him when he is with her about stuff re the DC's see how she likes it. I think some of the comments on here are terrible, obviously from OW!!!! who its making them feeling a little bit guilty although clearly there is no sisterhood at all. The comment where the OW took the DC's to the park and outings because their mum didn't like to is utter rubbish more like she was too knackered looking after the DC's working running a home while she was shacked up with the EXH all smug!!! So ladies come on where is the sisterhood this lady clearly wanted to rant and has had lots of negative comments. It will get better with time as they say, and if you had a very special someone in your life as they would have to be to share your life you have with you and your DD it may not hurt so much......

[revealall]

I agree wholeheartedly with those that have sympathies with the Op.

I don't know how you can tell a DD or DS about marriage and it's importance if actually 'well having an affair works out well for everyone'.

I have always stressed to my DS that honesty is crucial that no one can trust or respect a liar. My ex finished with me first but the poor Op has to square the circle that cheats do live happy lives. If the OW wanted him why not wait until he separated first
How now should the Op give her DD the very good advice that she shouldn't involve herself with a married man ? I think it's very hard. It's not the same as the marriage breaking down first and then finding a new partner .

The poor Op has no choice but to be really magnanimous or look like a jealous cow ( as suggested by some on here),

[Whatever21]

revealall - honesty is def the best policy!

Walter - nice insight -thanks.

Mine have come back to say - OW says she is not going to tell anymore lies and we can all be friends again, if you want. How the hell do you explain to any child that this might be a step too far?

She has squarely put the blame on me and I have to reconcile that to my DCs.

I have told them, that it is OK to like her and I will be happy if she is nice to them and they have a good time when they are there, but I will never be her friend again.

It could be 40yrs down the line and she will always be the OW to me - unless you have been there at the moment you realise what is happening then you can not understand what it is do to a person.

OP - glad I have boys, not girls. It would hurt me too and on here you can say it. Take a trip to steps occasionally and see how the EX and the wretched steps are generally viewed. A few good comments but we are all money sucking, contact blocking, filthy, illiterate, impolite uncaring bitches!!!

[angelwings3]

No the OW are the filthy, impolite, money sucking, contact blocking bitches!!! There is no sisterhood and trust no one!!!!