Kids being dumped with OW whilst he goes on a stag weekend.

[Monetbyhimself]

She's an even bigger mug than I thought.
But he'd rather eat his own arm off than let them stay at home (residency and contact order in place and he's already missed contact twice in the last 6 weeks)
Can't wait to see his reaction when he finds out that I know.

And now Petal is here as well. Full house

Needaholiday have you READ the thread ? WHERE i explained why simply keeping the kids at home is not sn option ? My kids are old enough to communicate their feelings about how they are treated. And given that the only physical contact that they've ever had with this woman was when she rubbed toothpaste on bruises to try and make them fade, and cuddled DD and told her it was better not to te

To tell mummy that daddy had lost his temper again ?

But hey, as long as daddy gets his full quota of contact, none of that matters eh.

Clearly a couple of posters need to learn how to read.

Monet do I need your permission to post here? All I was saying, is that your views are the opposite to those generally expressed in these circumstances. A lot of women in your position wouldn't be bothered who was taking care of their children, just so long as she can despatch them as per the rota.

So the OP can just breeze in and 'take the children' off the SM? How realistic is that suggestion needsaholidaynow? The OP has posted about her concern for her DC in an arrangement that is regularly depicted over on the SP board as being the piss-taking actions of a partner/DH that passes on their responsibility to someone else, with that dumped upon person none too happy. Yet here you are, slating the OP. She's venting about a situation she has no control over for very obvious reasons and you think it appropriate to make unrealistic suggestions as to what she could do, and then be disparaging about her motives if she doesn't do what you suggest. You aren't exactly painting yourself as a reasonable individual with sound motives.

Petal - that 'incensed' reaction you refer to is generally when there is little notice involved/no communication/expectation or assumptions about the leisure time of the person posting. You know, the same reason SPs get pissed off with last minute/no discussion/assumptions about their leisure/non leisure time. And it almost always comes from a background where the person wanting to change things with little/no notice spends so little time with their DC in the 1st place. Rarely have I seen anyone post here 'incensed' simply because there has been a reasonable requesting/notice given/discussion taken place etc. The OP herself is coming at this from the very opposite POV you are describing i.e. she would rather have her DC stay with her yet she has no say in what happens on her ex's contact, but cannot actually make that happen as her ex is responsible for what happens to the DC on his time/contact.

If he isn't there then he can't have contact, can he? Will he collecting them from you? This contact by proxy thing is nonsense, the whole point of contact is for children to see the NR parent. If he's not there then they can't see him. What's he going to do, take it back to court if you don't comply? Can't imagine any judge listing a hearing for one missed contact session when father wasn't there anyway....
I do realise it might not be a simple as all that in real life, but can you get back-up and refuse to hand them over to OW?

A lot of women in your position wouldn't be bothered who was taking care of their children, just so long as she can despatch them as per the rota.

I think you mean some women.

Actually, I think petal means her experience of one woman i.e. her DH's ex.

Owlcapone fair comment.

I imagine she seems cold to the children as scared to get over friendly, as no doubt you would then be screaming. ' ow is trying to be their Mum, who does she think she is...........'

All you can do, OP, is document-document-document. Always keep written evidence of your exH's failure to parent (which includes leaving his DC with his DP during contact time). You never know when you will need to use it.

FFS, what's with all the projecting going on here? Has a klaxon gone off over on the SP board or something?

I don't have any magic solutions to this, but if leaving the children with a third party during access is classed as 'failing to parent', then a lot of people are guilty of such a failure.

Petal02 - it's all a question of degree. A one-off isn't either here or there, but systematically not spending time with your DC during contact time because you are out enjoying yourself elsewhere and leaving the DC with someone else is not good parenting practice.

Yes, I agree Bonsoir.

Although what's the stance on unavoidable working during contact time? I'm not criticising anyone in particular with this question, more a general "is there ever a sensible solution?" musing.

Parents obviously have to work and it is perfectly reasonable for a parent to arrange childcare during working time - that might be a DP, GPs, a CM, a holiday camp. The boundaries of acceptability of the outsourcing of childcare are difficult to establish in any family - people have very different opinions - and there can be no hard and fast rules.

Parents who systematically choose to go out and enjoy themselves with friends/hobbies while leaving their DC at home with their new DP (or on their own) are quite another thing IMO!

Agree with needaholiday there's a big difference between being happy to do it, and having it landed on you.

Obviously the worst situation is when the SM doesn't want to look after her SDCs on her own, the SDCs don't want to be with her on their own and the mother is at home wishing her DCs were with her.

Petal in that case, I would have assumed that that sort of situation would have been taken into account when the EOW had been set up don't you think?

But instead, you have a man who was abusive, wanting to stick to the letter to the EOW contact, regardless of the situation. This is a man who, despite clearly 'fighting to see his dcs' because 'it's so important', still thinks that it's OK to go away on a stag do during the weekend his dcs are at his house.
And prefers to leave them with the OW, who doesn't seem that happy with the situation at any rate.
But will never tell his exW that they could swap or for the dcs to stay at her house because he just doesn't want to back down.

OP I have to say, I am not sure what to suggest apart from documenting everything. :(
And feel free to vent away too.

Monet,
Sorry your ex is a shit.
Some serious protecting going on here.

The point is needsaholidaynow the OP isn't in a position to do what you suggested as she's made it clear before you posted that there is a court order, and her ex would rather chew his arm off than let the DC stay at home with her. In that scenario, your suggestion and then presumption about the sort of person the OP was, was less than helpful. You clearly have 'history' with the OP but you don't come across well at all by just having a dig for the sake of it.

And given the ex's intransigence to allowing the DC to stay with their mum on his court ordered contact time, how likely do you think it is that his DP is willingly looking after the DC for a whole weekend? When she seems supposedly fearful of being caring/warm towards them? Would that not be your worst nightmare if you genuinely didn't want to be seen to be taking the 'mothering' role, if that was why the DC are 'dispatched' to one room over the whole weekend normally?