EA ex now intending to continue to control via school

[GreenRedBlueYellowPurple]

Hello all

Regular on here. Just namechanged. My EA ex has newly decided to attend parent teacher meeting. His reasons for doing this are

1. to harass me as well as

1. to appear to be good in the eyes of the school

1. to get things to incriminate me and use in the court process to attempt to take children away from me

No proof of domestic violence and therefore the headmaster will not allow separate interviews

Please some advice on what I can do!!!!

manipulative and abusive people are very very difficult to deal with especially when we have spent years normalising their behaviour to ourselves and others...when the light dawns it feels awful..so I understand not being able to contemplate being with him in this situation and all the fears you express...

however; as a reality check the court will be less than uninterested in his posturing and divisiveness...if you get to a finding of fact hearing where the court hears evidence from both of you then smearing reputations and vague accusations of poor parenting are just not enough to change their thinking. There is a lot (I could write a book) wrong with the court process but I don;t think that you have to worry about what he says so long as you act in a reasonable, rational and considerate manner to the staff and parent to the best of your ability. Certainly whether you do or do not turn up to this particular P/T meeting would not figure...I assume that you are the RP and therefore you are seen regularly at school, your child attends regularly, and they have no welfare concerns, your child is progressing appropriately and any concerns the teacher has he/she has addressed with you informally anyway...all this count for much more than a single PT meeting.

EA ex's gain strength and power from the way they make us feel and if we can be made to look mad or bad so much the better....get your own back, maintain a dignified and calm exterior (even if you are sticking pins in a wax figure of him at home!) be extra reasonable, take all of the moral high ground and KEEP all the evidence you can of his behaviour.

Time and distance help and when all else fails....nod and smile.

good luck

Just for balance here, just in my current class of 28 children, 16 of them have parents who are divorced or separated. This is not unusual. There is no way that a school can offer separate consultations for all.

Echoing what Fool says really. My Ex developed a sudden interest in parents evening after the head master was present at a SS safety planning conference for the children.

I stay away from parents evening as I'm in school practically every day and they keep me informed of any issues. They play along with his perfect daddy role and it keeps him happy.

Does he have PR?

As a teacher I think the school are wrong to say you can't have separate meetings. They want parental involvement and no-one should be put in a position where they feel uncomfortable. Yes teachers can't accommodate everyone separately but not many people ask for this.I would feel very uncomfortable sitting with my EA ex and am very grateful my dcs school accommodates us separately.

Most separated parents are able to sit in a room together :-)

Those few separated parents who are experiencing abuse from the ex need separate appointments. Simples!

green - leave your ex to make his own appointment to attend parents evening, tell the school that you can't make it to an appointment on that evening, and schedule a meeting with your DCs class teacher on a different day.
I know you're worried about what your ex will say in court - but how will he know whether you attended on "parents evening" night or not, if you don't go together?

You can't stop him going, you can't change his behaviour and you can't stop the school treating both parents equally. There have been a few cases where schools have been subject to legal action because they have illegally excluded one parent on the say-so of the other. DfE guidance advises schools to rely on Court Orders regarding parental involvement. It sounds like the head at your DS school is taking that advise to the extreme. Rather than waste energy fighting them, focus on what matters and conserve your energy for the battles that will protect your DS.

look in lone parents. there is a thread there with the links provided.

the head is being stupid too as it is not going to look good if he is threatening and the police have to be called.

Not heard of a head refusing seperate meetings before.
If they stick to this, simply say that you are unavailable on that night/day and book a different time.
Courts are not interested in mud slinging and who or who doesn't attend parents evenings, they've seen it all before.
There really isn't much time for weedling at these things, if hes going to do this then hes going to regardless of whether you are there or not.
My exes favourite at parents evening was to claim he was some poor victim and never received any information. Then he made the mistake of telling a female teacher that I had left the family home without warning one day.
Schools have to remain neutral when there are disputes because the rules around PR tell them they have to. But they too have seen it all before and will provide facts about your childs education, not about you as a parent.
If you have concerns that the teacher may raise issues then ask them before the meeting what sort of things they may wish to flag up.
If theres no alternative but to go, take a friend with you and suggest that there is another senior teacher in the room so that any issues raised later by him will have been witnessed by other parties.

Yes - write to the board of governors. If you don't get any help from them it's onto the LEA.

A lot of NRPs who want to attend parents evenings (and are faced with exs trying to stop them going) end up following this same route.

I am planning to go today to ask his previous (really nice) teacher (who has understanding of my situation) for advice on the best way forward...

green please don't be disappointed if the teacher is unwilling to advise you - schools really, really can't risk getting involved. I appreciate that your DS wellbeing is linked to your peace-of-mind, but schools are no longer able to offer that pastoral care for the whole family that they once did - they can signpost to suitable support but must remain neutral.

The headteacher has spelt out the schools position to you; asking a teacher to advise you will place them in a difficult position - no matter how much s/he may sympathise with you personally, as a representative of the school, she is bound by the Heads direction.

True! However a previous poster did say that the headmaster doesn't wish to get involved/ has no understanding and therefore that a separate meeting can just be made. Simples! I think it's all too complicated (or simple!) for the poor headmaster and maybe best left for teachers to make 2 meetings as intimidation really is a factor that cannot be ignored.

Ironically, if my EX asked the headmaster for a separate meeting, I fully believe that the headmaster would say yes absolutely.

I hear everything that you are saying but I think you run the risk of fighting both the headteacher and the expartner...when the best course really is to conserve your energy for parenting and dealing with the unavoidable s*^t that will be flung in your direction.

Yes the head is probably taking the wrong stance and you could challenge him.

Yes you probably can't sit next to your ex and discuss your child. (I can't with my EA and violent ex)

But do you need an appointment to check whether the current teacher has concerns? If you drop your DC at his classroom and pick up then an informal "is there anything concerning you re 'DC's' school work?. will do.

Wait for a couple of weeks after the PT meeting and schedule an appointment with the teacher to update them on the home situation (see...you informing them means it is necessary for them to make time!), inevitably if there are academic/social concerns the teacher will bring them up.

You don't need to go to the PT meeting to tick a box.
the court will have NO INTEREST in whether you have turned up for a 12 minute PT meeting once in the school year. They WILL be concerned about how the child/ren are supported throughout the year.

Please take a deep breath and let your stress over this abate. Your ex probably is going to be like this about everything.....don't let him have the satisfaction of controlling you now that you are apart. you can;t change him, you can only manage him and the way he makes you feel.

all the best

If you are genuinely unable to obtain a different appointment then I would be inclined to (if safe to do so) go and pretend he is not there obviously use polite stock phrases but not engage with him.

There should be nothing talked about in a parents evening that could be a cp concern it would be very bad form.

You can work out how to engage effectively with the ex later on when you are more confident.

I think you do have to take deep breaths and go along to this meeting - just treat your XP as though he is a not very important stranger. Polite, slightly contemptuous indifference is the best way to deal with people like him - the less you react, the more frustrating it is for him and the more likely that he will end up looking like the knob that he is.
If you are going through a court case at present to keep this man away from you because he is too dangerous to be allowed near you, then talk to your legal team about the issue of parents' evenings - they might be able to write to the head insisting that in your case separate appointments are necessary. If your XP is just a bullshitter who puts you down all the time, just - smile politely and say 'wanker wanker wanker' in your head all the way through the encounter.

Solid I honestly can't imagine us both huddled together looking at my son's arithmetic book and smiling over an anecdote about something he did in class. This man has yes been violent towards me and the children (threats of violence, threats of abduction) and continues to be emotionally abusive when ggiven the chance. We are in very long court proceedings and I choose to have no contact with him. I am no longer going down the speaking-to-teacher route and am trying to talk to my solicitor about it. I hope she will write a letter.

Nb I have been advised by womens aid not to spend any time in his company at all, not even to drop the children to his front door.

No advice sorry, I just wanted to say it is really sad that the head doesn't understand/care what Women's Aid have to say.

OK, I appreciate that he is that bad. Unfortunately, class teachers and/or head teachers may have little or no training in dealing with DV and be inclined to take the 'well, why can't you just put your differences aside for this meeting?' approach. So talk to WA/SS/your solicitor and get their advice - the solicitor may well be able to write to the school on your behalf.
It does actually sound as though the head is a bit of a prick whose attitude is 'silly women who can't be nice to their ex-husbands, not my problem' but he should take a solicitor's letter seriously.

It's true though solid that I would like to be strong enough to turn up to the meeting, defiant and calm and serene... Shame that it wouldn't work that way. I'd be plagued with anxiety for days before and days after and it would have a direct knock-on effect on my day to day life. I'm working on that solicitor letter. Will report back. If I absolutely have to go, I'll bring Womens aid with me!

Yes, if it's a matter of an abusive man rather than just one who proved an unsatisfactory partner (or who left the family for OW) then it's not just a matter of gritting one's teeth. It's very hard to deal with an abusive XP on your own, but there is support out there - from WA, your solicitor, the police if necessary - so don't be afraid/ashamed to use it. Best of luck.

Thanks Solid. It's certainly the abusive, lying, manipulative type we are dealing with here. Was at Womens Aid this morning and they are telling me to appeal, appeal, appeal and not stand for the court not taking me seriously.