Access arrangements

[mummytasha11]

Hi everyone

My ex has got a job closer to home now and said he can have our nearly 3 yr old ds more often.. I want to offer every other weekend fri evening till Sunday afternoon

Can this be agreed verbally or is it best to have it in writing?

Don't know what the norm is?

Also if he messes us around and misses a weekend because of 'work' is it unfair to then say he will have to wait till his next weekend or be flexible?

I think a lot of thi depends on ex..How formal you need to be....As for the every other weekend...

Depends what hours he works..Is he on a shift pattern does he regulary work weekends, are you implying the work is he has something better to do?

Ulitmately it is about making it work as a family...If he is the kind of Dad that has something better to do then I would say continue as normal..some flexability can work both ways if you can be flexible too.

Talk to him. You are both your DS' parents.

Forget the `norm' - concentrate solely on what is in your DS' best interests.

His best interests will involve a routine, regular contact at a meaningful level with both of you involved in all aspects of his life.

Flexibility is fine. Life is unpredictable sometimes. A little give and take goes a long way unless your ex wants to take and you just want to give or vice versa because a partner who refuses to show me flexibility is a pain.

I'd be tempted to sort it via email so you have a clear record. Also a whole fortnight seems a long time for a 3 year old to go without seeing a parent - would midweek time be possible? Do you know what kind of contact your ex is thinking of? I'd recommend mediation if there is likely to be conflict.

A good thing to bear in mind is `Would I be happy with the contact I am proposing to my ex?'

And without being funny - please don't get into the mindset of `offering access' - it should be a discussion between your DS' parents...not one telling the other one what they will allow!

I don't think I am wrong in wanting fixed arrangement and not just as and when he feels like it or hasn't got plans - currently he has no responsibility towards our ds and if ds asks after his dad I can't say oh you will see him next weekend or whatever. Mid week isn't an option as he works away so I'm trying to think of what will work all round

Like I said - your DC need routine, regular contact that works around them, not a job or lack of interest.

If he's been flaky up until now then definitely get things in writing.

Closer to home but working away?

Wanting a fixed arrangement is fine if that is practical; if your ex doesn't have a standard 9 to 5 job, though, and sometimes has to work shifts/weekends/be on call then it isn't going to work. It is really hard to get the balance between having a structure in place so you can plan yourself or doing things completely ad hoc and feeling taken advantage of. We get a lot of requests to change contact arrangements - if we have plans that can't be changed we stick to them, but if it is an ordinary weekend then we swap. Otherwise it is the DC's that miss out.

We've never had anything written down and it's been fine. We do however sit down with diaries every few months to agree dates. I had to buy my ex a diary the first few years but now he buys his own

If your ex can't do a weekend because of work he can ask you for a swap and you can decide if it suits. He shouldn't ever just assume he can swap or tell you he'll have a different weekend instead though. Flexibility is great as long as it works both ways