EX being derogatory - I am ANGRY but how to handle it?

[DontForgetTheLightAlesLawrence]

We have been seperated for ten years (s is 11).

Son has recently disclosed that his father has been "slagging" me off. Son is not happy but frightened of his dad. Wants to tell him to stop but is afraid.

I want to be clear that I've never, ever been negative about his dad.

There is a lot of back stuff to this, ex has always been controlling and wanted our son to live with him.

He has been verbally abusive over the years.

I'm far from perfect, but I've always wanted to be amicable, for our son.

Son is starting to say that he hates his dad and doesn't want to see him any more. But he's too scared to say why.

I've got to sort this out, but how do I approach it? Mediation? Or confront him? Or...?

I'd be grateful for any perspectives/advice.

Thanks.

To add: I'm really concerned about how this is affecting/will affect my son.

He can be so anxious and sensitive. BUT: He has already been rude to me, in a way his father might be.

What a fucking mess.

Don'tforget I had the same thing with my DS at the same age and it is incredibly difficult for you and him to handle. I too got angry, especially as exp ow also joined in on the slagging! I tried very hard to remain calm and just say things like "that's not very nice, we always try to be kind." etc. but my DS did start taking it out on me. They feel frustrated with it all, and you can only try and maintain the moral high ground - not easy I know.
Do you have a contact order because if not, you could always start making excuses - sorry he's got an activity on this weekend so can't visit etc. Your DS is getting to the age where his view will be taken into account. Mediation did not work for us - my ex still shouted and yelled at me throughout it! The general consensus is that with an abusive ex mediation does not work - they simply can't be reasonable.
If you confront him then he will likely do it all the more, after all if he was a reasonable person, he wouldn't be doing it in the first place. I can only advise that you try and ride the storm by being calm, reassuring your son that you love him. I was also told to ask my DS if he thinks the same. So for eg. If he says "Dad says your evil" say "oh that's not very kind. What do you think about that? Do you think I'm evil? How does it make you feel when he says that?"
Not sure if that helps but I do feel for you as it is a horrible thing for both of you.

Thank you for your reply, lioness.

I think that his wife is pretty neutral and generally fair. Thank god. His girlfriend before colluded with him, I'm sure. Funnily enough, she wanted to be friendly with me, after their split

We have no formal arrangement and I have always been fair.

I take your advice on board, but I'm so worried about how the pressure will affect my son. I can imagine my ex twisting mediation round to him, too. He is too manipulative to show his true colours I think.

I appreciate the support, thank you.

Can you try and access some counselling for your son through school or gp? It might help if he has someone neutral to talk to as he is obviously woried about upsetting you.

Yes I absolutely agree that he should speak to someone impartial. I'm going to contact his pastoral person at school tomorrow.

I've told him that he needs to speak to someone who can be objective. He's told me tonight that he wants nothing more to do with his father. I've suggested he thinks it over and will hopefully get someone to talk to soon.

Maybe an odd idea, but I believe Relate does family counselling. Instead of trying to do mediation with your ex, how about having a family counselling session with just you and your son? It's a chance to have a supported conversation about your relationship and the impact your exa has on it. As DS will soon be moving into his teenage years, you don't a dynamic to start where he starts talking to you the way his father did - this might be a change to pre-empt trouble over the next few years.

This is me too right now, except a 8 year old. Ex making life as difficult as possible today. And I know I'm going to get back one very upset 8 year old. Ex is a manipulator as well. I've had mediation suggested but like above if he was a normal person it would work, no point trying with him as he will just lie and twist things to suit him.

I just don't get what makes a person actually enjoy torturing another person like this and not caring about how it affects the children...just want to move a million miles from him and his family (and I have done everything I could in the last year to keep lots of contact between him his family and the children, but with their behaviour over the last year its made me rethink.)

Sorry I'm no use :( watching thread for anymore suggestions or help!