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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can I ask a couple of questions please? Sort of data collection/comparison thing : )

29 replies

RandomCitizen · 23/09/2013 08:11

I thought this would be interesting but mainly I just want to see how we compare to other single parents families out there in terms of contact, and also maintenance.

Obviously please don't answer if you don't want to post that sort of information - or only one part of it is still useful.

I promise I am a regular and have just changed name this minute to ask, as I don't want ex to find me on here based on my own circumstances...I'm not doing research for any other purpose, not a journo, not a student! too old

Anyway, I have a 10yo who sees his father once every month for four hours. His dad doesn't request any more than this.

His dad also pays £10 per week through the CSA.

Is this normal-ish or a bit lacking?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SoupDragon · 23/09/2013 08:13

Lacking. Definitely.

Well, I say "definitely" - there may, of course, be circumstances that explain this and make it perfectly OK.

Original poster

RandomCitizen · 23/09/2013 09:09

Thanks Soupy. That's what I feared. I'm kind of having difficulties with ex at the moment and wanted to establish my position iyswim.

It's not so much I want him necessarily to have more contact - I just wish he would turn up for the contact he has.

I don't intend to discuss money with him at all.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 23/09/2013 09:45

XH sees the SmallDragons every other weekend (Fri-Sun) and aims for 2 evenings in the week although often it is only 1 due to work commitments. He lives a 30-45 minute drive away.

Finance is irrelevant as obviously his financial situation is very different.

Meglet · 23/09/2013 09:50

The DC's haven't seen their dad in over 4yrs (this isn't a bad thing).

He pays approx 20% of his income as maintenance via the CSA. I suspect he earns more than when the payment was originally set up, but I can budget on the current amount and I wouldn't want to anger him by asking for more.

Original poster

RandomCitizen · 23/09/2013 09:53

Thankyou...

Meglet I kwym, if I mentioned money it would make him very defensive particularly as he knows full well he is paying far under the rate.

I think it was last assessed in 2004 and I don't know how he managed to work out that he was on £20 a day.

OP posts:

scoobydooagain · 23/09/2013 09:54

£5 per week , sees 2 nights a week but this only started this year(gradual build up to this) before that 2 hours a week which was supervised.

georgeannaskala · 23/09/2013 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster

RandomCitizen · 23/09/2013 10:26

George, you have solved my whole life. Eternal thanks.

OP posts:

sillymillyb · 23/09/2013 20:34

£250 a month (which is less than he should be paying but I don't want to rock boat) see's DS once a month for 2 days. Never alone with him though as refuses to change his nappy.

Lonecatwithkitten · 24/09/2013 00:17

50:50 care between myself and ExH. He contributes £243 child care vouchers and £150 cash per month, this a lot less than he should.

calmingtea · 24/09/2013 07:18

Lacking. Saying that my XH saw his children for 11 days out of 365 (and adding). He pays CS but it is a small percentage of what it was a year ago and he is spending massive amounts of money on himself, and I mean huge He has 'reasons' why he does it and thinks he is ok (same ones which destroyed our marriage), I think he is despicable.

Original poster

RandomCitizen · 24/09/2013 11:10

Won't change his nappy? Gosh that is sad.

I'm amazed at the amount of money people are paying. I think in the old days, however much he gave me was taken away from the benefit I was getting, so it wouldn't have made much diference to our income but I think the last few years it's changed so it's not included, and you get to keep it all.

Not sure if ex realises this. Probably not.

We had a conversation yesterday and he says he is 'always there for ds' when in fact what he meant to say was 'I am never there for ds', but I let it go as he was saving face I suppose.

OP posts:

babyseal · 25/09/2013 12:47

Ex has dc every Weds overnight and every other Saturday night, from 9am Saturday until 6pm Sunday. He won't have them on a Friday night on his weekend with them as Friday nights are his "me time" .

He gives me £60 a month, which is half the childcare I pay for after tax credits have paid their percentage, and any money we spend on essentials for dc go in a little book and whoever has spent more in the month the other person transfers half of the difference. I would like more, but he isn't great with the old cash, and don't want him to not be able to pay his rent for the kid's sakes.

SummersAComing · 25/09/2013 13:05

Lone at, I hope you don't mind me asking, why is that 'far less than he should' if he has the DC 50% of the time?

Guessing there is a reason so apologies if this sounds rude, i just assume he would have similar costs in terms of having them as much as you do? Feel free to ignore if I am being too inquisitive!

lostdad · 25/09/2013 13:07

My son is with me 40% of the time.

She gets and keeps all benefits that come from holding the Child Benefit book. I pay maintenance at the going rate based on CSA guidelines.

Lonecatwithkitten · 25/09/2013 13:10

Summers in terms of our previous lifestyle and what I currently contribute to maintain that for DD it is a pittance. We are both higher rate tax payers.

HowardTJMoon · 25/09/2013 13:29

After a long history of flakiness my ex is hardly seeing our DCs at all at the moment. DCs' choice this time. I get the princely sum of £5 a week maintenance which doesn't even cover pocket-money.

purpleroses · 25/09/2013 15:28

Lacking in terms of contact definitely. Low by child support standards, but probably fair enough in terms of what he earns.

My own DCs go 3 nights a fortnight to their dad (alternate weekends and a weekday night in the other week) He pays about £100 a month for the two of them.He doesn't earn much either, but is some help to me in terms of having them for extra nights, etc if I have to work late, so I value that contribution more than the money tbh.

obviouslyneedsupernanny · 25/09/2013 15:32

My son hasn't seen his father since birth and has never had a penny

SummersAComing · 25/09/2013 15:50

Gotcha, makes a difference when you are contributing way more! I just assumed you both had similar outgoings for child, apologies.

For the OP, I pay 15% and also have DC 40% of the time.

welshnat · 01/10/2013 19:55

Only recently split but so far Ex has DS every weekend Fri eve until Sun afternoon. Unless he works the weekend. He lives in England and I'm in Wales or I would prefer more midweek evenings so I get some weekends too. If he has DS he pays 30 a week but if he's working then.he pays 60.

LalaDipsey · 01/10/2013 21:25

ExH comes over every Saturday for 3 hours (his choice to stay that little long, not mine) and generally falls asleep for at least a third of that. He doesn't text to ask how they are in between time as 'he knows they'll be fine with me!
He pays well towards them though, with no disputes and occasionally gives me some extra money just because.

smokinaces · 01/10/2013 21:31

My ex has the two children every weekend for 24hours, plus a week in the summer, 3 nights at Christmas and negotiated extra nights on occasional weekends/bank holidays. He pays £130 a month, which is around 10% I think, but he has higher outgoings than me with rent etc so we negotiate between us. He rings the children every night to talk to them as well, and has done for four years.

Theincidental · 01/10/2013 22:42

No ex and no money.

1 Ds 100% of the time.

Unusual I grant you.

cls77 · 03/10/2013 17:10

Four hours with DD per fortnight, if he remembers and £5 a week, although currently being assessed by CSA again as he's just got his fifth job this year.

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