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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

So tired, lonely and at the end of what I can take

72 replies

HHH3 · 27/08/2013 21:56

I have 2 DSs aged 9yrs and 8mo. At the moment DS1 is at his dad's. DS2 is here (his dad died in June. We weren't together though).

I'm exhausted from the frequent night wakings for months on end. I'm lonely. Finding it so hard to cope when everything for DS2 falls to me 24/7.

I get a couple of hours off each week as I have a fantastic babysitter but that's it - I'm on the go day and night the rest of the time.

Think I have PND and everything's getting on top of me. Have been trying so hard to cope and it's not working. Really not sure how much more I can take

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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queenofthepirates · 27/08/2013 22:01

Okey doke, sounds like you need to accept some help. So have you talked to your HV? If not, I really suggest you do confide in them or perhaps your GP? Let them extend some of the resources they may be able to offer.

Secondly, can you sort out the sleeping situation? Would you be open to some sleep solutions? I did this stretch on my own and it utterly saved my sanity.

ProphetOfDoom · 27/08/2013 22:05

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Original poster

HHH3 · 27/08/2013 22:06

I'm thinking about help. Just really disappointed in myself I guess that I can't do this on my own.

Not sure about sleep training tbh. We co-sleep which until now has probably saved my sanity. I think the problem is that on top of all the night wakings I'm now having trouble sleeping as I just can't switch off.

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ProphetOfDoom · 27/08/2013 22:09

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Original poster

HHH3 · 27/08/2013 22:12

I have some lovely friends but they're often busy and I don't like to ask for help too much. They have their own families.

And weekends are awful. Friends are spending time with their partners and kids and I can literally go all weekend without talking to another adult. Don't get me wrong - I don't begrudge them that. But my god do I feel alone.

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ProphetOfDoom · 27/08/2013 22:13

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Original poster

HHH3 · 27/08/2013 22:13

Wired describes it perfectly!

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Original poster

HHH3 · 27/08/2013 22:14

Maybe I'll make some phone calls tomorrow.

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corlan · 27/08/2013 22:16

HHH3 - I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

You struck a chord with me when you said you felt disappointed you can't do it on your own. I did it on my own and I'm still bitter and angry about it .What I'm trying to say is doing it on your own doesn't make you a hero!

Reach out for help and definitely go and see your GP to check whether you're depressed.

ProphetOfDoom · 27/08/2013 22:23

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Original poster

HHH3 · 27/08/2013 22:29

No such luck. DS2 naps for 45mins exactly! It can take me longer than that to get to sleep. Also, when DS2 naps it's DS1's time with me.

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ShiningBright · 27/08/2013 22:50

I really feel for you. I have been on my own with DS, now 4 yrs was 7 months. I coslept too (which I am really glad about) and he was really bad at napping until he got to about 1 yr and started to nap for 1hr 15min. Yippee. I remember the utter exhaustion and the painful loneliness of not seeing people for days at a time. I have no family support and friends are almost non-existent, but I do feel better in myself.

It might help a little bit to recognise that you are not meant to do this on your own. We live in a weird society where too many people don't have the support networks to keep them mentally and emotionally healthy, let alone bring up children as well.

It is also very early days for you being on your own. Little by little, you WILL pick up. I've been there.

Some other things that might help are Homestart - didn't work for me but others find it really helps. Gingerbread might have a local group and if so, they often meet at weekends which is just what you need.

I am currently getting help for my son's behaviour from a family support worker at the local Surestart Centre. I know that a lot of what has been going on has been due to the bad emotional state I have been in these last years, but she is giving me constructive help about how to deal with him now. It hasn't solved the problems but it's early days. I only wish someone had helped us right at the start.

So, if there's any chance of any help whatsoever, I'd grab it. You are doing a great job, but you're not meant to be doing this without the support we all need.

ProphetOfDoom · 27/08/2013 23:44

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thornrose · 27/08/2013 23:49

HHH3 my dd's dad died when she was 10. It's very different being the only parent rather than a lone parent.

Don't feel bad about coping alone, you have a lot on your plate and most people would expect you to need support.

anonnymousey · 27/08/2013 23:57

just a suggestion mind - at about 7 and half months I moved ds into his own room and we both seemed to sleep a bit better. I had a single bed as well as his cot set up so could snooze there if needed to or for night feeds. Also when ds2 naps just go and lie on your bed or couch, take every opportunity to just rest. Optimum nap time for adults is supposed to be 20 min so set an alarm for 30min so you don't overnap and feel groggier. See if your council has a local creche, they tend to do two hour slots at ours, enough time to go home and have a cup of tea whilst it is still hot! Hang in there

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 27/08/2013 23:58

Echoing the HomeStart recommendation - people tell me they can be very good. Also making contact with the nearest children's centre.

I can't imagine how tired you must be given the run of things at the moment. You are doing so well to keep going. Fingers crossed things pick up for you. Might be worth considering giving a (vague) idea of your location as folks on here might be up for meeting?

Jellykat · 28/08/2013 00:15

HHH3, i was in your position many moons ago, 9 years between my 2 DSs and completely alone, co slept with DS2, i had to as he never slept for more then 2 hours at a time until he was 18 months old.

You are not weak at all! It's really really hard going, just functioning, just doing simple things like remembering to put DS1s uniform in the wash.. and yes, the weekends are the hardest, you're so isolated.

Please ask for help.. Also try finding another lone parent (through Gingerbread or a toddler group) it can make a huge difference just finding someone else in the same position to talk with, and mutually childswap to allow for simple things like a relaxing bath.

I feel for you, i really do.

Original poster

HHH3 · 28/08/2013 00:15

Just a quick reply as DS is finally asleep again. Sorry if I don't answer everything - I'll read through and try to answer more tomorrow.

No room for him to have his own room. We have the tiniest 2 bedroom flat in the world (!) and no chance of moving. Completely stuck here for the foreseeable future.

To the poster (sorry - on phone and can't look back) who said that being the only parent is different from being a lone parent...that is so true but I've never been able to put it into words before. I've been a lone parent for 3 years. Even when I was with DS2's dad we never lived together and split up while I was pregnant. But being the only parent feels entirely different.

Have been in touch with homestart and they start in a few weeks. Fingers crossed it helps in some way.

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thornrose · 28/08/2013 00:38

HHH3, the post about being the only parent was me. Don't underestimate your own bereavement whether you were together or not. My dd's dad died 3 years ago and I still find it tough, it's really early days for you.

I really hope you get the help you deserve.

bluebeardsbabe · 28/08/2013 18:47

Just to say this touched a nerve. I have been on my own with DD 10 months since pregnancy. my family live far away. She is a bad sleeper and I have a lot of external stresses such as financial, things acrimonious with ex (I have to deal with nasty text messags telling me what a crap mother I am) and tons of other stuff. I am also not sure how much more I can cope. sorry I did not mean to hijack but I understand if that helps.

Pannacotta · 28/08/2013 18:55

I would try and ditch the pride, there is no prize for managing alone.
SPeak to your GP/HV and anyone else you can think of as there is help out there, but you will need to ask for it.
It must be very hard knowing that you are solely responsible as the only parent, even more reason to ask for support.
That old saying about it taking a village to raise a child came to me when I read your post.
Good luck and look after yourself.

ProphetOfDoom · 29/08/2013 13:24

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Original poster

HHH3 · 29/08/2013 18:17

Sorry for my getting back to this sooner - things have been rubbish. I'm currently looking into some sort of gentle sleep training. His sleep is actually getting worse and worse and it certainly isn't helping with how I'm feeling.

Spoke to the HV briefly today and mentioned that I'm a bit down. But tbh I really played it down. Am just so scared of telling anyone how bad things are.

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betterthanever · 29/08/2013 20:57

HH3 I only had one DS on my own and I didn't do what you have done and shout for help - I just went on and on and was VERY ill. I was foolish. I was so mad at myself for not being able to do it all myself and then became too ill to sort out help.
Do you sleep in the day at all? I didn't enough. Homestart should really help and please ask your friends in RL for help - even for an hour in the day so you can nap, I am sure they would help - be as honest as you can - no one can do what you are doing on your own and not feel ill.
Do you go to any baby groups where you could do a swap with another Mum and then you may not feel as bad about asking for help.
It is just impossible to do it all on your own - you are not weak you are wonderful and coping with so much - you are coping but it is making you feel ill. I wish I knew you in RL, I would help.
I remember when I was ill I thought that it would have been great if there was a group that had people who you could call for help, mums who knew what it was like - I would sign up as a helper as I know what just one hour a week to just sleep would have done for me.

Original poster

HHH3 · 29/08/2013 21:14

I had PND with DS1 and did exactly that - didn't ask for help until it was so bad I ended up in a mother and baby unit. Which should make me better at asking for help this time really.

I actually go to a group where lots of the mums have had PND so they understand. Sometimes I ask for help/someone to look after him but that's usually if I need to do something/go to an appt and can't take him with me.

I just really wanted to be able to do this right this time. But it feels like it's all crumbling around me.

DS1 is back from his dad's on Saturday and then I'll have to cope with both of them. God knows how I'm going to manage that.

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