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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Clothes when at dads

26 replies

sandiy · 12/06/2013 20:57

Im not sure if I'm right or wrong.My children go to dads eow and half the holidays.Should he have clothes at his house for them.Im a bit fed up with packing for them to go all the time.Also he collects the children from child care so clothes can t go with them due to split locations.until recently he has been collecting them from mine but following an unpleasant episode I don t want him at the house.Also I'm at work so he has unsupervised access to my house.Finally due to his own idiocy he now pays very minimal maintence via CSA so I feel bit like he ought to do more to support the children.Opinions please

OP posts:

somersethouse · 12/06/2013 21:02

Of course he should!

Otherwise you will constantly be doing what I was, packing, then receiving the dirty laundry to wash. If he takes them half the holidays he needs to have pj's and a couple of changes of clothes for them plus underwear, obviously. And he needs to sort it out, keep it clean, himself.

Why does he have access to your house OP? You need to put a stop to that, surely?

rainbowfeet · 12/06/2013 21:14

I understand how you feel about the clothes, my ex-h is same with our dd but I'm not sure I would like his choice if I told him to go out & buy some!!! I did once send a selection of clothes with her to keep there but she grew out of some & the rest ended up coming back here to wash anyway!!!

I didn't feel we had enough space between us & he still treated me as his wife & was too dependent on me even when he had her... I even have to send her hairbrush & hair bands & believe it or not on a school night her packed lunch for next day as he makes her have dinners even if she doesn't like the options!!
I no longer invite him in when he picks her up he waits on the doorstep, so there is no way I'd put up with him being there when I'm not!! Can you ask him to return the key or change the locks?
I long for the day when dd is old enough to take herself off to her Dads so our contact will be very minimal!!
Do you think your ex would buy some clothes for them to keep at his mine wouldn't he's too tight??!!

Original poster

sandiy · 12/06/2013 21:18

Well when he left it was while I took the children to centre parcs and he moved out.He has yet to return the key and of course has been picking up the kids bit and bobs when he had them weekends.I was also an idiot in the beginning before ow etc and thought we could be amicable.I need to pull myself together and get the locks changed.Its been almost a year so I need to address it.When I suggested not sending clothes this weekend I backed down because I don't have the capacity at the mo for another fight I've got too much on.Give it six weeks though and it will be a different story.

OP posts:

lostdad · 12/06/2013 22:35

He shouldn't just have clothes for the children when they are with him - he should have everything! Clothes, toys, toothbrushes, whatever. There is no reason your DC shouldn't go to him in just the clothes they stand up in and come back in the same way.

If he wants to be a equal parent to you the first thing he could do is to actually act like one.

Bit concerned he has unsupervised access to your house though? Seems odd to me!

Tuckshop · 13/06/2013 08:07

Yep, no need for you to provide anything. That's down to him. There is no reason fir you to be sorting things out for them while they are with him.

And definitely make your priority changing the locks.

kittycat68 · 13/06/2013 11:26

hes has parental responsibility if he has contact, co he has a responsibility to provide clothes and food while child is in his care. Thats what parental responsibility is!!!
he cant pick and choose which bits he wants!!! simple as that.

betterthanever · 13/06/2013 20:45

I could have written lost dad's post myself... every word.

purpleroses · 14/06/2013 13:21

My ex has at least one change of clothes for each DC - he picks them up in clothes and returns them in clothes, so everything cycles around a bit. Seems to work.

tbh - I do usually buy the clothes and give him what he needs. As what you don't want to get into is "dad's clothes" and "mum's clothes" and expecting the DCs to wear the right clothes at the right houses! It's easier just to pick them up cheaply from charity shops, or hand downs and make sure he has a set. If your ex is paying you via CSA and it's not very much, that means he isn't earning very much. CSA reduce the amount for each night he has them - but it always will end up with him paying you something even if he has them 50% - so i'd always kind of assumed that means they assume you are the one who meets teh non day-to-day costs (like clothes). If you tell him he must provide his share of everything then it doesn't really make much sense that he pays through CSA as well really. Though no harm asking him to buy/contribute.

Yes he should have toys, toothbrushes, etc at his - those are different because they don't need to move with the DCs so they're entirely his job to provide for his own house.

And yes, you need to get his key back off him or change the lock!

kittycat68 · 14/06/2013 14:48

purpleroses: i dont think you can say if he dosent pay much in csa payments hes on a low income thier fore he dosent have much money for clothes!! thats a very biased comment. its not the Ops responsibility to provide them. ofcourse should she wish to help out thats her choice.

In this case Lostdad is right

purpleroses · 14/06/2013 14:55

CSA is a fixed proportion of income. So if he's paying a pitance, he must be earning a low income (unless he's lying). Doesn't mean he can't afford clothes, but, whether you agree with it or not, he is VERY likely to say "it's your job to buy clothes - what do you think I pay you CSA for?"

The OP can ask, but clothes aren't really something you can each provide your own of to live at separate homes are they? The DCs have to wear something when they move between the homes.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 14/06/2013 15:11

My dSis went through all her two DC's clothes and for the first full weekend at ex-Bil's, she sent a big bag of stuff for each of them (she also sent a few spares of things like hairbrushes etc where she had duplicates). She had far too many clothes for the DCs so it was actually a good de-clutter.

So he picks the DCs up from creche/school with their schoolbags on a Friday evening, they have clothes in his for the weekend, and he drops them back to school on Monday morning (EOW) in (hopefully!) clean uniforms. Dsis ensured he knew the clothes were NOT to come back to her (she wasn't going to do his laundry for him!) and it has worked quite well so far.

However it only started about 4 months ago, so it will be interesting to see what happens when they grow out of stuff...

purpleroses · 14/06/2013 15:15

Also - if it's only a year since they split up, the clothes that the DC's currently have at the OP's house aren't really "hers" any more than they're her ex's - as presumably many were bought from joint resources whilst still together. So might as well send a few of them to the other house really.

kittycat68 · 14/06/2013 17:33

good lord heavens above !! purpleroses omg what a point of view!! still this is a forum or peoples opinions let just hope the op doesnt take yours into account

kittycat68 · 14/06/2013 17:38

If he pays minimal CSA how is she supposed to feed clothe and put a roof over thier heads !! CSA is the minimum they can legally ask for. Not what it actually costs for children or perhaps the OP should bend down on hands and knees purpleroses as say thak you to her ex for gratiously giving her anything!!

purpleroses · 14/06/2013 18:38

I really do struggle to believe how many people are so petty as to say to an ex "you must provide your own clothes for your house" What on earth is the DC supposed to wear when they come home from their dad's, or go there? You can't send them between houses naked - so clearly the clothes belong to the DC, not to either home.

Either you consider that they really just have one home and are visitig their dad - in which case you send them with a suitcase each weekend - which is fine if that works for you - but it means you get all the laundry

Or you let the DC take a few of their own clothes (bought for them by their primary carer - who receives child support and child benefit for this purpose) to their other home. If you're hard up (or just want to save money for more important things in life) you ask around for hand downs or pick them up in charity shops. Is that really such a big deal?

No wonder some people end up with ongoing wars with their exes if they pick fights over something as simple as letting your DC keep a change of clothes at the other house.

Original poster

sandiy · 14/06/2013 18:50

Quick update.I got my keys back today not without a bit of a debate but I did it.In relation to clothes actually they are all bought by me I've got twin girls and a boy so no hand me downs and for my three.They grow like weeds so constantly need bigger bits.The reason I'm pissy about CSA is because he gave up a job on nearly forty grand to piss about finding himself up the vag of another woman he now works when he feels like it so not much leaving me to raise three kids on one temporarily crappy wage and the equivalent of thirteen pounds a week per child that I forced out of him by CSA. School dinners not that I can afford them are eleven pounds a week per child the additional child are costs while I work are thirty quid a week.Thats before anything else which is why I don't feel unreasonable in hoping that he may buy more than the odd pair of knickers.

OP posts:

clam · 14/06/2013 18:52

purpleroses Then I would guess that you're not in the unfortunate position of trying to provide for 3 kids on next to nothing. Then it's not quite so petty, but essential to get these sorts of things sorted.

betterthanever · 14/06/2013 20:57

Well done on getting the keys back. Love the line growing like weeds my DS is the same.

purpleroses · 14/06/2013 21:34

clam - I have 2 kids. My ex has a low paid job and has always paid around £120 a month - ie about £15 per DC per week - so not a lot. My salary's not to bad now, but when DC2 was young I was earning very little. But I did get tax credits, and child benefit too. I honestly never thought I was worse off than my ex, who I could see wasn't able to afford much either, and have always felt that if you're getting the CSA and other benefits from the government, then it is your job to provide the clothes for your DCs.

Guess I might feel differently if I felt, like you OP, that my ex had deliberately chosen to have a low wage. That must be a bit grating - especially if he's actually living a comfy lifestyle with a woman who's earning well. Well done on getting your keys back :)

justgivemeareason · 15/06/2013 15:36

It's all relative. I get no financial support from ex whatsoever as he has no income. He has never bought them anything since he left but still complained about one of the outfits I put one of the dc in to see him. He doesn't believe in buying them a birthday present just from him (in other words, says it should be a joint present i.e. my money.) Now he refuses to have them overnight anyway and only sees them occasionally. I find myself being grateful for the tiniest thing he does because it is close to nothing and there is nothing I can do about it.

I suppose what I am saying is, be thankful that is all you have to worry about. I would be sending my dc to his with packed suitcases quite happily if he would actually have them.

Ogg · 15/06/2013 19:05

Justgivemeareason - why the hell should the OP be grateful just because you have a crap ex? there is always someone worse off than you - so why arnt you grateful

postmanpatscat · 16/06/2013 22:51

I have told my ex he must provide suitcases and clothes for his trip to USA with DDs this summer. He refuses to do so. He has DD2 6 nights out of 14! DD1 EOW only. They get home one Saturday, then go away with me the following Sunday morning, so no time to get stuff washed, ironed and repacked if I provide it all. I have told DD2 to start leaving clothes there that he has bought (trouble is this amounts to about two outfits). At best I will send them with one holdall/rucksack each and he will have to do something about it then. What's the point in having CSA reduction if you refuse to spend money on day to day needs? It's not a holiday fund! He pays over £600/month through CSA so as you can imagine is earning a huge salary.

justgivemeareason · 17/06/2013 00:09

Ogg I did say I was grateful.

I really don't think it's that big a deal and there are more important things than clothes to be concerned about when you have split from a partner and there are children involved.

Fraxinus · 17/06/2013 00:27

Wow, I have been wondering how best to get the clothes problem sorted, and am now feeling fortunate. Because I left the family home, I also left the house with enough of the kids things in it for it to be easy. I left a chest of drawers full of clothes. The washing of which is now his problem. As the kids arrive in their school uniforms, and leave in their normal clothes quite often, we do have to do a swap. I check what they have got when I look after them at his house while he goes to night school.

Ps also low earners here, but lots of hand me downs from friends.

Fraxinus · 17/06/2013 00:29

Yes, I think there is other stuff more important when there is a split. However the clothes problem is logistical, and mumsnet is a great place to get tips to solve logistical problems.

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